Many Years of Poems

Sorry. I is a space cadet and completely forgot to say Happy Birthday to peter_lorax.

And Happy Birthday a day early to irish_kipley!

I marked a circle in Rip and Jen's backyard by raking leaves into about a six-foot circle. I used a small table for the altar, put my purity candle on it, our black and white balance eggs, an incense burner I borrowed from Jen because I forgot ours, and the cauldron in the center.

I set a yellow candle at East, a red candle at South, a blue candle at West, and a white candle at North (it should have been green but I could not for my life find a green taper).

We all prepared in our own way and read through the ritual. We entered the circle and I lit the purity candle.

I prayed.
"The presence of the noble Deity extends everywhere,
Throughout many strange, magical,
And beautiful worlds,
To all places of wilderness, enchantment, and freedom."

I took the East Candle out of the ground, lit it from the purity candle, put it back in the ground, and invoked protection.
“Protector of the East, watch over this ritual of healing.
The winds are the Deity's servants."
Nicholas did the same thing with the South Candle and invoked protection.
"Protector of the South, watch over this ritual of healing.
At all blessings and desire
The sun brings forth life anew."
Jen did the same with the West Candle and invoked protection.
"Protector of the West, watch over this ritual of healing.
The seas are the domain of our Serene Creator,
The mysteries of the depths are the Deity's alone."
Cliff did the same with the North Candle, and invoked protection.
"Protector of the North, watch over this ritual of healing.
The Deity is awesome,
The Powers of death bow before the Creator."

I pointed my hand with my first two fingers extended and walked from East to South to West to North and back to East to cast the circle and then said:
"The circle is sealed, and all herein
Are totally and completely apart
From the outside world,
That we may glorify the Creator whom we adore.
Blessed Be!"
Everyone else repeated: "Blessed Be!"

We all faced East and chanted:
"As above, so below
As the universe, so the soul.
As without, so within.
Blessed and gracious one,
On this day do we consecrate to you
Our bodies,
Our minds,
And our spirits.
Blessed Be!"

I took the parchment that I'd written the banishing and read it.

"He raped my body and soul.
He stole my childhood.
He locked me in pain for twenty years.
I banish him from my soul.
I banish him from my body.
I reject the pain and terror he caused me.
I reject the grip he has held on my life.
I reclaim my body in the name of the Deity of Love.
I reclaim my soul in the name of the Deity of Strength.
I reclaim my name in the name of the Deity of Power.
William Linwood Parrish, you no longer have power over me.
I am a woman, the bearer of life, and I banish your destruction.
I am Nora Holland Parrish, and I am stronger than your evil.
I am stronger than your evil.
Selah. Amen."

I then lit it on fire with the purity candle and let it burn in the cauldron (almost burnt myself because the cauldron is little and I was trying to keep all the parchment paper ashes in it).

We all prayed about three times as it burnt:
“Let the sacred flame destroy that which causes pain and harm.
“Let the sacred flame bring healing where there was hurt.”

When the paper was burnt, we meditated for a few minutes, and then we all turned North and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the North for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Cliff extinguished the North Candle.

We all turned West and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the West for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Jen extinguished the West Candle.

We all turned South and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the South for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Nicholas extinguished the South Candle.

We all turned East and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the East for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then I extinguished the East Candle.

Then I prayed:
"Our rite draws to its end.
O lovely and gracious Deity,
Be with each of us as we depart.
The circle is broken!"

I felt the power moving within me while we did the ritual. As the parchment paper burnt, my whole body tingled with power. I can still feel it.

I prayed so hard off and on all day today for this to help. I really think it did. I feel so calm. Very alert, but calm.

Rip chose not to participate in the ritual because he felt that his energy would mess it up, so he stayed outside the circle, and I asked him to direct his power as best he could toward focusing on the success of the ritual.

I want to publicly thank Rip and Jen for letting me use their yard for a private yet outdoor setting for my healing ritual. I also want to publicly thank Nicholas, Cliff, and Jen for helping me perform the ritual.

I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel free.

So I got Nicholas to agree that if I work on my physical and mental health, he'll lay off me about the smoking for a while, until I can get to a more settled place mentally where I feel I can let go of the nicotine crutch.

So Nicholas and I are going to form the habit of sharing walks, or if the weather is too crappy for walking outside, I'll do my yoga thing on Yourself! Fitness. I'm going to work on cooking low fat, high fiber, heavy on the lean meat, whole grains, and fresh veggies kinds of suppers.

I'm also going back to counseling. I have three appointments next week to check out counselors to see if they will be able to help me.

That's going to be a lot of difficult emotional work. I'm going to have to drag up memories of what my dad and ex-husband did to me that I'd rather not think about, but I'm dreaming about them anyway, so I have to deal with them. I have to learn to love myself and nurture myself in a way that I have never done. Nobody's going to do it for me. Cliff and Nicholas and Jen can stand by me and hug me and help me hold myself up, but in the end, I have to do the hard work.

Nobody can do it but me.

I am going crazier than normal here.

I feel like I'm being asked to make a lot of changes at the same time and I'm overwhelmed.

Nicholas and Cliff both want me to stop smoking and cut down my caffeine intake. (I go through tea like a motherfucker.)

Cliff wants me to be more attentive to him (which I've been trying to do but apparently not well enough) and to be more conscious of the BDSM aspect of our relationship.

( BDSM and sex, skip it if you like )

And in addition to the changes Cliff wants to make in our relationship, and the changes they both want me to make related to my health, I'm having to change the way I run the household, because Nicholas is here, and I have to buy enough food for five people now, not four. I have one more person to consider when I plan the menu and buy groceries, and there are certain things that Nicholas eats and drinks that the rest of us don't, really. (For example, he likes soy milk on his breakfast cereal.) It doesn't bother me to make these changes, but it's taking me a little time to change my way of thinking about the household stuff.

I also don't get as much time as I used to get to putter around on the computer. I used to spend a LOT of time on IRC chatting with Mike and Kevin and various others, and now I only get to duck in every couple of days. I miss my guys.

I just feel like I'm spread rather thinly these days, I guess. I have to spend time with Cliff and with Nicholas and we need trio time and I occasionally need alone time and I haven't seen Jen since the wedding. I have seen Mini-me twice in the last month.

That's a whole different can of worms. I have yet to introduce Nicholas and Mini-me, and I have yet to attempt to explain Nicholas' role in my life. She is pretty laid-back and cool, but I'm wondering how "Mom is poly" is going to fly with her. It would be different if she'd been born into a poly family, but having it thrust on her when she's most of the way grown might not go so well.

So in addition to the daily demands on my time, I need some Jen time, and I need some mom-and-daughter time with Mini-me.

There just aren't enough hours in a day any more.

I don't want to schedule people's emotional needs as if I'm some sort of executive penciling things into her day-planner. But something's got to give here. I just don't want to shortchange anybody in my life, and it feels like everybody's getting shortchanged right now, including me.

Nick has told me some about his family, and they are just appallingly mean to him. His mother is a horrific bitch who regularly reminds him that she regrets not aborting him.

He's a beautiful young man, intelligent and sweet and funny, and he's trying so hard to make something of his life, and all they do is tear him down.

I told him to give me a few months to get Dixie and Nancy into their own place, and then he could come down here and stay and go to school and I'd take care of him.

I'm waiting for him to get online now. He said he had to work today and would be on around 9pm. So two more hours and I get to talk to him.

He's coming to visit the last weekend this month (two weekends from now); I can't wait.

Well, Nick is coming to visit the last weekend of this month. Now if I can just get Dixie and Nancy out of the house for that weekend so their nosy asses won't wonder why Nick is in our bedroom.

I need to have a chat with Cliff though. He referred to Nick as my "playtoy", and I didn't care for that too much. I don't treat people like playthings; that's cruel. I'm debating about how to tell Cliff that I feel that I can come to love Nick without taking anything away from my love for Cliff.

I told Nick that Cliff and I are in it together for the long haul, and I think Nick understands that Cliff is my number one (except for my daughter), but Nick said he's happy just to be with me.

I sent Nick an e-card just to let him know I'm thinking about him. It had a really cute little lion cub on it and said "You make me feel all warm and fuzzy."

( Cut for talk of sex and BDSM )

The only fly in the ointment as far as I can see is that Nick is black, and Cliff and I are white (well, I'm part Cherokee, but mostly white), and my parents will not be thrilled. But fuck it. I'm 32 years old; I can do what I damn well please with whomever I damn well please. And my parents don't need to know that Nick has joined Cliff and me in our relationship; as far as they're concerned he can be our roommate, a friend who needed a place to stay while he finishes college.

I talked to my friend whom I fear is suicidal. He just got some good news that seems to have improved his mood and situation considerably, so perhaps I don't have to worry about him quite so much. I sent him an e-card too, just to let him know that I'm his friend and I'm here for him when he needs a friend.

I guess Nick's still painting that deck.

I'm so impatient for him to get online. I want to talk to him.

I'm so glad Cliff is cool with this, or at least cool with exploring it.

I gave Nick my cell phone number. It would be cool if he'd call me. I'd like to know what his voice sounds like.

I'm all excited. I can't sit still.

Well, I wound up emailing him that I'd heard he had a crush on me, and telling him that I really can't offer him more than friends with privileges unless he's willing to consider being a second in Cliff's and my relationship. Now I'm waiting for him to email me back.

He does seem to be interested in possibly moving down here (he's in North Carolina right now). When I told him about the colleges down here (he's a college student), he wanted to look up their web sites.

I guess we shall see.

Still worried about my suicidal friend. Had a long conversation with him last night, and I'm not worried that he's going to do it any time really soon, but if things don't get better for him and quick, I'll be using my disability back payments to attend his funeral, or visit his grave if I can't make it to the funeral. I can't seem to make him see that his problems do not mean he has to die to make things better and that his death will be a great loss. I tried. Believe me, I tried.

And I'm not going to stop trying.

Also worried about my meds. I only have about a week's worth of Invega left, and I owe my psyhchiatrist money, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to get more. And being off the Invega is BAD FOR ME. I have panic attacks, and within a few days the psychotic symptoms return, the hallucinations and paranoia and stuff. It really sucks. I think I'm going to start taking it every other day to stretch the meds out, because missing it for one day doesn't seem to hurt anything, but about three days and I'm a mess.

And as always, money is a stressor. Hopefully we'll be able with Cliff's next paycheck to pay what I owe my psychiatrist and I can get my meds. I don't know what I'm going to do if we can't. Stretched the grocery budget to its limits. Bleah.

Worry worry worry.