Many Years of Poems

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

Gaming: I came rather late to gaming, compared to most of my gamer friends. I gamed some when I was married to Mini-me's dad, 1st Edition Shadowrun and Battletech (yeah, I'm an old fart), and then after I packed up my baby girl and left his ass, I didn't game for years. Then Cliff and I hooked up and he's a gamer geek, so I started gaming again to hang out with him and our mutual friends. Nowadays, I've been dragged kicking and screaming into World of Warcraft, which I must admit I'm beginning to really enjoy, I play a fantasy RPG in a world called Teara Adan on IRC, I used to play 4th Ed. Shadowrun via IRC but RL caused my GM to have to cancel the game, and I do some tabletop stuff when we can get everybody together, mostly Star Wars or D&D or World of Darkness stuff. Most of my gamer friends, though, have been playing various games since adolescence or earlier.

Poly: From what I've gathered from online forums, I came to polyamory a bit differently than most. It seems like a lot of people in the online communities always felt "wrong" in monogamous relationships. It just kind of happened for me. Cliff and I have always had an open relationship sexually, and we've had our bumps in the road adjusting to having more people in our love lives and home, but it seems to be working out fairly well for the most part. It does get sticky when you add in family considerations. I'm not sure Dixie is fully aware of the exact relations in the household, and I know my parents don't have a clue.

Paganism: I grew up United Methodist, but began to reject Christianity in general in my very late teens. I stopped going to church around the time my parents and Mini-me moved to Florida, leaving me in Charleston to finish my degree. I fumbled around for a few years, studying various things such as Buddhism and Wicca, but nothing seemed to quite fit, although bits and pieces of different paths appealed to me. So I quit trying to find a pre-made path that suited me and just developed my own version of spirituality, religious belief, and ritual practice that works for me.

Florida: It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there! Just kidding. I wound up here in Florida because my parents and daughter are here. I'm considering moving at least out of Jacksonville, which I find to be a rather tedious city, after Mini-me goes off to college, but I plan to stay here until she's finished with high school. My parents will probably stay here for the rest of their lives, which does not particularly thrill Mom, who had hoped to go back to Charleston after they retired, but I think my stepdad doesn't want to leave his golfing buddies. :) Most of the time, it's pretty nice here, though. I definitely enjoy the absence of winter, but I could live without the blazing heat and stifling humidity of summer, and I could do without hurricane season too.

Cats: I <3 kitties. All kinds of kitties, actually. Any and all felines are cool to me, from lions and tigers (and bears, oh my!), down to domestic kittens. I've had dogs and cats most of my life, but I find cats more interesting than dogs, not that dogs aren't good pets too. In my heart of hearts, I really really want a toyger. They are SOOO beautiful, even though the breed is still in the developmental stages. I doubt, short of winning the lottery, I'll ever be able to afford one, but that doesn't stop me looking at breeders' websites and making "oh how cute" faces at the kittens. I presently have two adult domestic short hair tabbies, Tessa, a ginger tabby who will be three years old in a couple of weeks, and Sweetie Pie, a brown tabby who is almost two, and one brown tabby and white foster kitten with the temporary moniker of Little Guy. He is soon to be neutered and turned over to his permanent owner, and we will miss his goofy little furry ass.

Nicholas and I stayed up late last night talking and puttering around on the computers. By the time we were ready for bed, Aysha and Cliff had crashed out in the bed, leaving room for only one more person. I told Nicholas to get in bed and I'd take the couch, since I tend to get hot with three bodies in the bed anyway.

When I got up this morning to take Cliff to work, having gotten maybe three or four hours of sleep on the couch interrupted by mad kittiots running around the house and over my attempting-to-sleep ass, I told Nicholas and Aysha that I wanted to sleep in bed when I got back from taking Cliff to work. So I got home, curled up in bed, and went to sleep. Nicholas poked his head in the door and told me to rest well and continue recovering from the stomach virus from hell that ruined Christmas for me.

Not two hours later, Nicholas and Aysha come into the bedroom, shove me over, and start making love. I've already told them that they wake me up when they make love. I had specifically asked to sleep. I got up out of bed shaking with rage.

I went into the computer room and messed around for a while, drove up to Mom's to get the Christmas presents we didn't get on Christmas because I was too sick to get out of bed, and came home. They were sprawled out dead to the world in bed.

They're still in there; the last time I went to the bathroom, they were at it hot and heavy.

This is not cool. I can't sleep in my own goddamn bed when I ask to? No fucking way.

They could have made love in the computer room; Nicholas and I have done that on several occasions when we didn't want to wake Cliff.

I'm not as pissed as I was; time tends to cool my anger some, but I'm still mightily annoyed at the lack of consideration.

I understand that space and privacy are at a premium around here with Dixie and Nancy living here and four of us in the master suite. I understand that Nicholas and Aysha are caught up in that new love excitement. But goddamn it, this is my home, that is my bed, and I should be able to goddamn well sleep in it when I'm tired and recovering from an illness that laid me out for four days.

I plan to talk to them about it if they'll ever come out of the goddamn bedroom and speak to me.

Okay, so.

Cliff and I were originally supposed to get married next March. However, I ordered my engagement ring and he hasn't seen fit to give it to me, so I'm not sure that he still wants to get married.

I'm not sure I still want to get married. I'll lose my Medicaid if I get married. Nothing would change except we'd lose $100 a month, or thereabouts.

And now that Nicholas is with us, I'm not sure we should have a separate handfasting for Cliff and me, and then one later on with Nicholas, which is what I originally thought we'd do.

I just don't quite know what I'm doing, I guess.

I've thought about sending the engagement ring back and having a pearl put in place of the diamond, even though my little heart-shaped diamond is beautiful, just to have something that represents Nicholas too. (His birthday is in June, so his birthstone is pearl. The ring already has my and Cliff's birthstones in it.) That would also be a bit lopsided symbolically, because really, the garnet should be in the center (me), and the pearl and the emerald on the sides. Oh well. I don't know.

I just don't know. I'm confused and agitated today.

I did finally get to smoke a cigarette but I would like another one right now, just to calm me down.

Nicholas wants us to watch a movie together, but I'm not sure I can settle down enough to sit still through a movie.

Urgh.

One.

I went out and voted today, because as Bill always says, you have no right to bitch about politics if you don't take your ass out and vote. So now I get to sit back and watch the results come in and see if this country is going to take a more liberal bent like I'd like to see. *crosses fingers*


Two.

Dr. Holmes (my gyno) is made of awesome with awesomesauce and a side dish of super-cool. I had been dreading a bit informing her of the whole polyamory thing. She didn't bat an eyelash and was totally cool about it. I always did like her; she's a wonderful doctor. She treats me like an intelligent adult (something a lot of doctors don't do with mentally ill patients), and she's careful with me because of the sexual-abuse-survivorness. But today just confirmed her super-awesomeness.

I finally nailed down what's been bothering me so much lately.

Cliff's angry behavior is reminding me both of my father and my ex-husband. I feel like I have to be perfect to avoid an angry response, and part of me is illogically afraid he's going to hurt me in some fashion. In some sick way, I almost wish he would just haul off and hit me. At least then, I wouldn't be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I know that's not healthy, and logically I have no desire to be hit, but emotionally it would almost be a relief.

I feel like I'm 10 years old again, trying to manage my father's household for him and stay away from his anger.

I'm spending a lot of time with Nicholas, at least partially because I don't have to walk on eggshells with him, which is probably not helping patch things up with Cliff, but I'm actually feeling afraid to be with Cliff now, and I don't like that dynamic.

I want the old Cliff back. This personality transplant he seems to have undergone reminds me of David, and how he changed after Mini-me was born.

The whole situation is very triggering for me, and it sure as hell is not helping me try to quit smoking.

I've been tired and run-down all day today, and I feel kind of depressed.

I can't really say why.

Last night Nicholas and I got into a conversation about our childhoods, and that was not the cheeriest thing ever. In fact, it left me wanting to cut, although I no longer have the means to do so. But I kept staring at my wrists and wishing for a razor blade. I even thought about running a hot bath and slashing my wrists deeply, although that was a relatively fleeting thought.

I just want to hold my teddy bear and cry.

I don't want to cook supper, I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and try not to think about anything any more.

I told Nicholas about the incident Jerry (oldest brother) told me about, which happened well before I was born. Mark, my youngest brother, cut out of line and Dad picked him up by his shirt and kicked him into his room. Curtis (middle brother) and Jerry got upset about that and started arguing, and Dad did the same to them. Mom protested and Dad slammed her against the wall, put his arm across her throat and told her to shut the fuck up.

I also told him about the vague early memory I have of Dad backhanding me across the room and Mom screaming that he could do what he wanted to her but to leave me alone.

Cliff and Nicholas and I had an overdue conversation last night in which Nicholas and I tried to explain to Cliff how we miss him and how we want to be a cohesive trio. I never meant for this relationship to be me-and-Nicholas and me-and-Cliff. I always wanted a connection between all three of us. I don't expect the connections to be quite the same, because we're all different people, but I want Cliff and Nicholas to feel connected to each other, not just to me, even if it's just a really-good-friends type thing. And Cliff has taken to calling Nicholas "brother" which he only does with his closest friends, so that's good news on that front. So I think Cliff finally sees how his anger is affecting all of us, and hopefully he'll be able to let it go and we can be what we meant to be as a trio.

Cliff's behavior, though, had been reminding me of my first husband, and that's never good for me. I try not to think about David any more. I haven't seen him in thirteen years, and so much the better for Mini-me. But David seemed to get a personality transplant around the time Mini-me was born. I felt like I'd married one man and gotten something else entirely. And Cliff's recent, wildly-out-of-character, short-tempered and hostile behavior made me think that maybe I'd made the same mistake again, fallen in love with a man who was going to turn into somebody else on me once he was sure he had me. I think the fact that I told Cliff he was reminding me of David may have jolted him into a realization of how his behavior is affecting the whole household.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the strain of a lot of unpleasant memories and the tension in my home right now. Maybe that's why I feel depressed. I don't know.

I'm trying to resist the urge to go hide in my room and not talk to anybody, but I know that's not healthy.

It's game night for me anyway, so I can't go hide anyway. But I want to.

I had a horrible nightmare last night.

( Detailed rape nightmare, skip if you're easily triggered. )

Cliff is still being difficult. I sucked up my nightmare and tried to take care of his emotional needs this morning; he is now upset at me over stupid stuff. Nicholas used his EBT card to buy some groceries, amongst which was a box of chai. I never had any clue that Cliff liked chai. In four and a half years that we've been together, he's never once drunk chai. But he was upset that I bought chai for Nicholas (technically Nicholas bought his own damn chai and is sharing it with anyone else who might want some, seeing as he bought it on his EBT card). And he's also upset that I was going to go buy sharp cheddar cheese for cheese and crackers. I prefer mild so I've always bought mild. I had completely forgotten that Cliff liked sharp until I mentioned that I was going to buy some sharp because Nicholas likes it. Normally I'm the only one who eats cheese and crackers any damn way.

Let me clue you in. Cliff and I had a miscommunication a couple of weeks ago. Cliff watched Nicholas and I make love (and some damn amazing love it was, too), and then was upset when I joked about being abundantly satisfied after we were through. Cliff wanted to make love with me because he was all turned on from watching Nicholas and me, and I was just about orgasmed out. But he's been angry at me ever since then, and every last little thing I do seems to piss him off.

Anyway, this morning, I sucked up my triggery, anxious feelings and tried to soothe his anger, and got nothing but more anger. I even told him that his anger was pushing me away from him, and he doesn't seem to care.

I love Cliff. I really do. I honor our history. We've been together through some phenomenally hard times and some great times. I want to stay with him. But I can't be the only one putting forth effort to meet needs here.

I told Nicholas last night that I felt a little guilty depending on him for comfort when I used to ask Cliff for comfort, but it feels to me like Nicholas gives freely what I had to beg for from Cliff.

And then this morning, when I got back from driving Cliff to work, upset about the nightmare and upset about Cliff's continuing anger, what did Nicholas do? Respected my wishes down to the letter (I didn't want to be touched because of the nightmare) and made me a lovely if slightly over-honeyed cup of Tension Tamer.

I love them both. I don't want to have to choose one over the other. But Cliff seems determined to force me to a choice, and if he keeps pushing me away this hard, I'll have no choice.

Well, I'm feeling a little less like there isn't enough of me to go around, so that's good.

Cliff is still being a bit temperamental and occasionally a bit distant but I'm trying to give him as much love and attention as he wants from me and I'm hoping that I can sort of love away his bad temper. Leaving him alone to work out his temper doesn't seem to be working (it usually does), so I've been loving on him to let him know with kisses and hugs that he's still my honey and I still love him just as much as I ever did.

I even made a (mostly successful) attempt at poaching eggs for him because I know he likes poached eggs, although I never learned to cook them. Two of them came out beautifully; the third was a little overcooked, but he was pleased that I bothered to try to do it. If we can have more moments like that...

Well, rainbowdragon77 fussed at me in chat for not updating, so I'm just going to ramble to let y'all know I'm still alive.

I'm off four of my five meds, so I feel a bit messed up and weird right now, which is largely why I haven't been updating. I don't feel like my thoughts are as organized as they could be, and I prefer to feel like I've got something to say when I post. I'm out of my birth control pills, my Paxil, my Buspar, and I'm rationing my Klonopin for when I really need them until I can afford to refill my scripts. I was also taking my Invega every other day in an attempt to not run completely out of it, but this morning I picked up more samples of it from Dr. Owusu's office, so now I can take it daily again like I'm supposed to.

I'm also sort of waiting for my period to start. I've been tired and achy in my back and lower abdomen like my period is coming on for several days, but no sign of Aunt Flo. I don't think I'm pregnant; off birth control, my cycles are HIGHLY irregular.

As for Nicholas, we're basically waiting for him to do what he needs to do in North Carolina in order to be able to move down here to stay. He and Cliff are pushing me to play WoW, which doesn't really interest me all that much so far, but no telling. Maybe if I can ever motivate myself to get beyond the low-level stuff (which I find a bit boring), it'll get interesting. I just wish he were here. I worry about him up there with his family.

I've been on a folk music kick lately. I'm trying to teach myself "Rocky Road to Dublin" but that song is so damn fast. I'm also trying to learn "Follow Me Up To Carlow" for SCA events, because that is actually a period song about a battle in Ireland during Elizabeth I's reign. Again, damn fast song, and it's hard to get the lyrics out clearly, especially with all the funky Celtic names.

Anyway, I'm still alive, so no panicking. :)

I think I've worked out a way around Cliff's emotional jealousy issues without hurting Nicholas. I think I've figured out how to explain to Cliff that I can (and do) love Nicholas without taking anything away from him. We shall see if it actually works the way I think it will.

Nicholas is still here and is in fact within arm's reach of me now. We're puttering around on our respective computers.

Cliff brought a cold home from work and now we are all three sick. If Dixie catches it, she'll probably land back in the hospital again. Jeez.

Nicholas may be moving in with us sooner than originally planned. I would have preferred to have Dixie and Nancy out of here first, but it looks like he may need someplace to stay sooner than that, and I'd rather squeeze him in here than worry (as I will no matter how many times he tells me not to) about whether or not he's sleeping indoors and eating regularly.

I so do not want to put him on that train tomorrow night.

Cliff doesn't particularly seem to want him to leave either. Nicholas was puttering around in the computer room and Cliff was taking a bath and told me to "go check the lottery ticket. If we won, then Nicholas doesn't have to go back to North Carolina." I think he's just happy to have someone to play and discuss Warcrack with who doesn't give me the willies the way Tyler sometimes does. (Tyler finds child-like women attractive, and that's always made me a little uneasy.)

Cliff and Nicholas have suddenly become hell bent that I should start playing Warcrack as well. Nicholas confessed to me that it was so they could game and not feel like they were neglecting me. I've created a character and puttered around with her a little bit, but I don't think it will ever become the addiction for me that it is for them. I don't know. I was iffy about tabletop gaming the first time I did it, and now I love it, so no telling, really.

( Sex talk and WAY TMI, so skip it if you like. )

Oh, and my stepdad has seen Nicholas with us, because I ran out of gas on Friday trying to make it two more miles to the bank to cash Cliff's paycheck and to the gas station and my stepdad had to save my ass for the 902nd time or so. Bill didn't say anything, and I was a bit nervous so I forgot to introduce them to each other like I meant to. I don't particularly relish the thought of cluing my parents in to my love life because I just generally don't tell them much about it, but if/when Nicholas comes to stay they'll find out eventually that he's more than a friend to me. I'd actually rather tell my daughter than my parents. Mini-me would probably look at me a little funny and then shrug it off. My parents are liable to have a complete cow that I have a fiance AND a lover.

Nicholas has joined Cliff's campaign to get me to quit smoking. I presently have a horrible cough, partially from smoking and partially from this stupid cold. I had a coughing fit a bit ago and Nicholas took my hand and looked me dead in the eyes with those lovely dark eyes of his and said, "I really wish you'd quit smoking." I really should anyway. It's just that the habit is so damn hard to break.

I really should get some sleep. I'm just not as sleepy as I should be, given how...um...busy I've been.