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azdesertroseI've been tired and run-down all day today, and I feel kind of depressed.
I can't really say why.
Last night Nicholas and I got into a conversation about our childhoods, and that was not the cheeriest thing ever. In fact, it left me wanting to cut, although I no longer have the means to do so. But I kept staring at my wrists and wishing for a razor blade. I even thought about running a hot bath and slashing my wrists deeply, although that was a relatively fleeting thought.
I just want to hold my teddy bear and cry.
I don't want to cook supper, I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and try not to think about anything any more.
I told Nicholas about the incident Jerry (oldest brother) told me about, which happened well before I was born. Mark, my youngest brother, cut out of line and Dad picked him up by his shirt and kicked him into his room. Curtis (middle brother) and Jerry got upset about that and started arguing, and Dad did the same to them. Mom protested and Dad slammed her against the wall, put his arm across her throat and told her to shut the fuck up.
I also told him about the vague early memory I have of Dad backhanding me across the room and Mom screaming that he could do what he wanted to her but to leave me alone.
Cliff and Nicholas and I had an overdue conversation last night in which Nicholas and I tried to explain to Cliff how we miss him and how we want to be a cohesive trio. I never meant for this relationship to be me-and-Nicholas and me-and-Cliff. I always wanted a connection between all three of us. I don't expect the connections to be quite the same, because we're all different people, but I want Cliff and Nicholas to feel connected to each other, not just to me, even if it's just a really-good-friends type thing. And Cliff has taken to calling Nicholas "brother" which he only does with his closest friends, so that's good news on that front. So I think Cliff finally sees how his anger is affecting all of us, and hopefully he'll be able to let it go and we can be what we meant to be as a trio.
Cliff's behavior, though, had been reminding me of my first husband, and that's never good for me. I try not to think about David any more. I haven't seen him in thirteen years, and so much the better for Mini-me. But David seemed to get a personality transplant around the time Mini-me was born. I felt like I'd married one man and gotten something else entirely. And Cliff's recent, wildly-out-of-character, short-tempered and hostile behavior made me think that maybe I'd made the same mistake again, fallen in love with a man who was going to turn into somebody else on me once he was sure he had me. I think the fact that I told Cliff he was reminding me of David may have jolted him into a realization of how his behavior is affecting the whole household.
Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the strain of a lot of unpleasant memories and the tension in my home right now. Maybe that's why I feel depressed. I don't know.
I'm trying to resist the urge to go hide in my room and not talk to anybody, but I know that's not healthy.
It's game night for me anyway, so I can't go hide anyway. But I want to.
I can't really say why.
Last night Nicholas and I got into a conversation about our childhoods, and that was not the cheeriest thing ever. In fact, it left me wanting to cut, although I no longer have the means to do so. But I kept staring at my wrists and wishing for a razor blade. I even thought about running a hot bath and slashing my wrists deeply, although that was a relatively fleeting thought.
I just want to hold my teddy bear and cry.
I don't want to cook supper, I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and try not to think about anything any more.
I told Nicholas about the incident Jerry (oldest brother) told me about, which happened well before I was born. Mark, my youngest brother, cut out of line and Dad picked him up by his shirt and kicked him into his room. Curtis (middle brother) and Jerry got upset about that and started arguing, and Dad did the same to them. Mom protested and Dad slammed her against the wall, put his arm across her throat and told her to shut the fuck up.
I also told him about the vague early memory I have of Dad backhanding me across the room and Mom screaming that he could do what he wanted to her but to leave me alone.
Cliff and Nicholas and I had an overdue conversation last night in which Nicholas and I tried to explain to Cliff how we miss him and how we want to be a cohesive trio. I never meant for this relationship to be me-and-Nicholas and me-and-Cliff. I always wanted a connection between all three of us. I don't expect the connections to be quite the same, because we're all different people, but I want Cliff and Nicholas to feel connected to each other, not just to me, even if it's just a really-good-friends type thing. And Cliff has taken to calling Nicholas "brother" which he only does with his closest friends, so that's good news on that front. So I think Cliff finally sees how his anger is affecting all of us, and hopefully he'll be able to let it go and we can be what we meant to be as a trio.
Cliff's behavior, though, had been reminding me of my first husband, and that's never good for me. I try not to think about David any more. I haven't seen him in thirteen years, and so much the better for Mini-me. But David seemed to get a personality transplant around the time Mini-me was born. I felt like I'd married one man and gotten something else entirely. And Cliff's recent, wildly-out-of-character, short-tempered and hostile behavior made me think that maybe I'd made the same mistake again, fallen in love with a man who was going to turn into somebody else on me once he was sure he had me. I think the fact that I told Cliff he was reminding me of David may have jolted him into a realization of how his behavior is affecting the whole household.
Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the strain of a lot of unpleasant memories and the tension in my home right now. Maybe that's why I feel depressed. I don't know.
I'm trying to resist the urge to go hide in my room and not talk to anybody, but I know that's not healthy.
It's game night for me anyway, so I can't go hide anyway. But I want to.
