*le sigh*

Oct. 28th, 2008 03:01 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
[personal profile] azdesertrose
I am going crazier than normal here.

I feel like I'm being asked to make a lot of changes at the same time and I'm overwhelmed.

Nicholas and Cliff both want me to stop smoking and cut down my caffeine intake. (I go through tea like a motherfucker.)

Cliff wants me to be more attentive to him (which I've been trying to do but apparently not well enough) and to be more conscious of the BDSM aspect of our relationship.

When Cliff and I first got together, we discovered that we're both a bit kinky. He is a dominant and enjoys receiving service and he has a bit of a sadistic streak although he keeps it on a tight leash. He does like to give spankings and floggings, and fairly regularly spanks me just for fun. (Like, I walk past the couch and he pops my behind.)

I am a switch in that world. I enjoy both the dominant and submissive roles, leaning slightly more toward the submissive end of things. Despite being a switch rather than a true submissive, I agreed to accept a collar from Cliff, which means that I belong to him, under circumstances we negotiated and occasionally renegotiate.

The original agreement was that my submissive role would consist of taking care of him (doing his laundry, cooking for him unless he feels like cooking, fixing his plate and drinks, etc.) and sexual submission. And I've done that. We were what is called in the BDSM world "low protocol" meaning that we don't make a huge deal out of that part of our relationship, I don't have to call him Sir or Master in public (he prefers Sir anyway), and I don't have to run around the house naked but for my collar and my ring. (I wear a silver Celtic knotwork ring that signifies that I am collared. Which reminds me, I need to buy some silver cleaner and clean it.)

Here lately, he's decided that he wants to raise the bar on the protocol. I still don't have to run around naked (too many people in our home), but he wants me to call him Sir all or most of the time. After four and a half years of calling him Cliff or Honey, it's a tough change to make. But it's suddenly become this huge deal-breaker type thing with him.

I asked him why. He said it's because I'm finally stable on my medications. He said that until now, he hasn't trusted my mental stability to hold up to a more stringent collar arrangement.

I don't feel like I'm all that stable just yet. I'm waiting for Medicare to send me my part B (covers non-hospital medical care) card and for my next disability check to come in, and then I was going to enroll in a part D program (prescription drug coverage) and change my antidepressant back to Zoloft, which seems to work best for me, but which I could not afford with no coverage. So I still have a big prescription change ahead of me. I also need to either wean myself off the BuSpar or have Dr. Owusu write me a new script for it because I'm almost out of it. (BuSpar is an anxiety drug that works a little differently than benzodiazepines like Klonopin or Valium.) I spent a week off any antidepressant at all because I ran out of my Paxil and couldn't afford to get the new script filled. I spent the better part of a month off my Klonopin. So I don't quite see the stability he seems to see.

Stability aside, I don't suppose it's a huge hairy deal for me to call him Sir. When we're in BDSM circles, I'm a little more conscious of it. At Jen's wedding we sat with Lady D (amongst other people) and Cliff said she noticed me getting his food and drinks for him. (Lady D is a very interesting lady; she's in a poly marriage, herself and another woman, Lady J, and their man, Mike (not to be confused with my friend Mike). They are also kinky; their Mike is submissive to both Lady D and Lady J; they call him their "boy" which I find a little silly since he's about 60 years old (doesn't look it, but he told me one time how old he was). But hey, if it works for them, who am I to say anything about it?

I just wonder how this got to be such a huge deal practically overnight. I almost wonder if he thinks that because I have the emotional wherewithal to love a second man that I should therefore be counted on to have the emotional wherewithal to take a tighter collar, as it were.

And in addition to the changes Cliff wants to make in our relationship, and the changes they both want me to make related to my health, I'm having to change the way I run the household, because Nicholas is here, and I have to buy enough food for five people now, not four. I have one more person to consider when I plan the menu and buy groceries, and there are certain things that Nicholas eats and drinks that the rest of us don't, really. (For example, he likes soy milk on his breakfast cereal.) It doesn't bother me to make these changes, but it's taking me a little time to change my way of thinking about the household stuff.

I also don't get as much time as I used to get to putter around on the computer. I used to spend a LOT of time on IRC chatting with Mike and Kevin and various others, and now I only get to duck in every couple of days. I miss my guys.

I just feel like I'm spread rather thinly these days, I guess. I have to spend time with Cliff and with Nicholas and we need trio time and I occasionally need alone time and I haven't seen Jen since the wedding. I have seen Mini-me twice in the last month.

That's a whole different can of worms. I have yet to introduce Nicholas and Mini-me, and I have yet to attempt to explain Nicholas' role in my life. She is pretty laid-back and cool, but I'm wondering how "Mom is poly" is going to fly with her. It would be different if she'd been born into a poly family, but having it thrust on her when she's most of the way grown might not go so well.

So in addition to the daily demands on my time, I need some Jen time, and I need some mom-and-daughter time with Mini-me.

There just aren't enough hours in a day any more.

I don't want to schedule people's emotional needs as if I'm some sort of executive penciling things into her day-planner. But something's got to give here. I just don't want to shortchange anybody in my life, and it feels like everybody's getting shortchanged right now, including me.


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