Smokie smoke smoke

Nicholas and Cliff are both mad at me about smoking. Cliff got mad because I went out and smoked in the car because it's raining outside. Nicholas says I act like a junkie where cigs are concerned.

I feel like I need something to calm my nerves. I backed myself off the Buspar and Klonopin and now I am not taking anything to settle my nerves. Smoking calms me down when I'm feeling anxious.

Part of me would like to end that addiction. It's not healthy, it's expensive, everybody imaginable wants me to quit, there are ninety bazillion reasons not to smoke. But I can't get away from the comfort I get from smoking a cigarette.

I withdrew from the _survivors_ group because Nicholas wanted me to; he said that it was only a painful reminder of what I've been through and that I should give it up. So I did.

But I feel like no one will let me have my comforts. I feel like I'm being asked to make all these changes and nothing is familiar or comfortable any more.

Cliff just read over my shoulder and said, "Why did you stop taking your anxiety medicines? I'd rather you were taking the anxiety medicines than smoking." Good question.

I backed off the Buspar because I didn't have any refills for it, and I felt like nobody trusts me with the Klonopin after what I did two weeks ago with the suicide attempt (overdose of Klonopin). But I guess I can refill the Klonopin and/or talk to my psychiatrist about writing me a script for the Buspar. (I was originally prescribed the Buspar by a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't think my psychiatrist has ever prescribed it to me.)

I probably should talk this over with Patricia (my new therapist) when I see her again next Monday. I need some new comforts in order to get rid of the cigarettes. I just don't know what else to do.

Birthdays on my f-list....

Sorry. I is a space cadet and completely forgot to say Happy Birthday to peter_lorax.

And Happy Birthday a day early to irish_kipley!

Little Shit?

Dixie has taken to calling Little Guy "Little Shit" when he aggravates her, which amuses me. Sometimes he is a little shit though. He's as bad as Tessa for wanting to eat anything any of the people are eating, and even pushier than she is about getting in your face for food.

Sweetie Pie gives him regular beat-downs because he starts with her by running up to her and pouncing on her; it doesn't hurt her cause that she's easily twice his size, although she is not a huge cat.

Tessa is less likely to beat the hell out of him. She's more likely to just give him this look like, "You have GOT to be kidding me?" I did catch them chasing each other earlier today though, so maybe having a kitten around is giving Tessa a little of her kittenhood back. She played with Sweetie Pie when Sweetie Pie was a kitten, but she hasn't done much playing since Sweetie Pie grew up and started playing mostly with toys and not with Tessa. I think Tessa needed some play in her life.

CC likes to chase him and try to bite his butt. For some reason, CC likes to bite cat butts. Go figure. He doesn't bite hard, but I do wonder what is so attractive about a cat's ass that he feels the need to bite every one he comes across. Must be a dog thing, or maybe it's just a CC thing.

But I just thought the "Little Shit" thing was too funny not to share.

Hate

Hate is ugly.

One of my chat buddies just asked me what I hate. I can't come up with anything I actively hate. There are plenty of things I dislike or could live without but nothing I can come up with that I actually actively hate.

I don't hate my father any more. I see him for what he is, an abusive alcoholic who can't admit he's been wrong, and I choose not to have him in my life for my own emotional/mental health, but I don't hate him.

I also don't hate my ex-husband (Mini-me's father) any more either. I used to, then I decided he wasn't worth the emotional energy I was expending to hate him, and became rather indifferent about him.

I could certainly live contentedly the rest of my life never hearing from either of them again, but I can't say I hate either of them any more.

I dislike some foods. Intolerance pisses me off and puzzles me. Child abusers and rapists merit only contempt.

But I can't for all the tea in China come up with anything I truly hate.