Smokie smoke smoke

[azdesertrose]

Nicholas and Cliff are both mad at me about smoking. Cliff got mad because I went out and smoked in the car because it's raining outside. Nicholas says I act like a junkie where cigs are concerned.

I feel like I need something to calm my nerves. I backed myself off the Buspar and Klonopin and now I am not taking anything to settle my nerves. Smoking calms me down when I'm feeling anxious.

Part of me would like to end that addiction. It's not healthy, it's expensive, everybody imaginable wants me to quit, there are ninety bazillion reasons not to smoke. But I can't get away from the comfort I get from smoking a cigarette.

I withdrew from the _survivors_ group because Nicholas wanted me to; he said that it was only a painful reminder of what I've been through and that I should give it up. So I did.

But I feel like no one will let me have my comforts. I feel like I'm being asked to make all these changes and nothing is familiar or comfortable any more.

Cliff just read over my shoulder and said, "Why did you stop taking your anxiety medicines? I'd rather you were taking the anxiety medicines than smoking." Good question.

I backed off the Buspar because I didn't have any refills for it, and I felt like nobody trusts me with the Klonopin after what I did two weeks ago with the suicide attempt (overdose of Klonopin). But I guess I can refill the Klonopin and/or talk to my psychiatrist about writing me a script for the Buspar. (I was originally prescribed the Buspar by a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't think my psychiatrist has ever prescribed it to me.)

I probably should talk this over with Patricia (my new therapist) when I see her again next Monday. I need some new comforts in order to get rid of the cigarettes. I just don't know what else to do.

Comments

[i-love-freddie.livejournal.com]

I understand why Cliff and Nicholas feel like they do about you smoking. I mean it's not a nice habit and not good health-wise. But being angry about it doesn't help anyone.

My ex (just for the record - the same guy who was my main abuser) frequently told me that if I cut myself while we were together, he was going to leave me. Back then, I thought it was because he cared - now I now that it was just his way of controlling me. Him being angry and threatening me like that just made me want to do it more.

Smoking is an addiction, and cutting is an addiction. We are the only people who can beat it... but I know from experience that it is helpful to have support.

As for the _survivors_ group, I have to disagree with Nicholas. As a fellow survivor, I find it incredibly comforting to have a safe space where I can share what I've been through and talk to others who understand. I don't know whether you feel the same way, but if it's a comfort for you then you shouldn't feel as though you have to give it up.

(Sorry if this comment is too blunt/doesn't make sense or whatever. It is 3am and I just woke up briefly and I'm still a bit tired)

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

It's hard to be too blunt with me, and you made plenty of sense.

I used to cut, until Cliff (in our open-relationship-but-not-quite-truly-polyamorous days) caught me at it, confiscated my razor blades, and threatened to start searching the bedroom if I bought more. I still want to sometimes. It's hard not to want to hurt yourself.

As to _survivors_, I miss it a little. I wanted to post something there about the aftereffects of my ritual (feeling a little strange to realize that I hadn't thought about my father or my abuse in days), but I can't post there any more since I left the community. But I don't miss being triggered by other people's posts, as I sometimes was because I tended to feel like I had to read everybody's posts and be supportive, even if it triggered me. So he may have been right. I had been expending a lot of emotional energy on the community, and I would probably be better off to expend that energy on Cliff and/or Nicholas.

I can still get support from you and the other survivors on my f-list, so I don't feel completely cut off.

Anyway, I've gone on for a while, haven't I? Get some rest and pet the Cory from me. :)

[i-love-freddie.livejournal.com]

To be honest, I've given up on the trying not to cut myself thing for now. There's been too much going on recently, and at the moment I don't feel strong enough to resist. But in the new year, I'll try again.

And I do understand what you mean about _survivors_ being triggering. I always try to be careful with what I read, but I have been triggered in the past by comments made, and also people who have posted triggering stuff that wasn't behind a lj-cut. It's not nice.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

I think most people in the group are fairly considerate about trigger warnings and so forth, and if people forget, the mods jump on it in a hurry.

I just felt this weird sense of obligation to read everybody's stuff and comment, even if all I said was *big safe teddy bear hugs*.

BTW, *big safe teddy bear hugs* to you. It's hard to stop cutting.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm still supposed to give up smoking by Yule/Christmas.

I'll miss survivors, but I think maybe Nicholas is right, now that I've been off the group for a few days.

I'll make a post about the aftereffects of the ritual when I'm in the right state of mind to think about it, probably later today.