Well, I HAD made an appointment to see the doctor again. (Recap for anyone who doesn't remember, I've only seen him once, I only really need him for medication management, I have a counselor for actual talk therapy. The one time I saw him he asked me if I had resisted what my dad did to me, or if it was "just statutory rape." Doctor shit episode 1
, episode 2
, and episode 3
The appointment was for tomorrow morning, but last night I realized that if I didn't deposit the money I had set aside for the appointment into the checking account, the checking account would be overdrawn. Rent came out of the most recent paycheck, and we also had to buy parts for my car (which is mercifully running again, so I can give my parents back the car they've been letting me use and get them off my back), so money is a wee bit tight. I thought I would be able to call the doctor's office, explain that I can't afford to make the appointment and reschedule. Simple, right?
I got a lovely (/sarcasm) letter from the doctor's office shortly before I made the appointment, in which they informed me that if I didn't make an appointment soon, they would close my chart. So I made the damn appointment, thinking that I would be able to afford to go.
When I called to reschedule, for one thing, one of the office people got incredibly snotty with me; "Why do you need to reschedule?" (It wasn't the question, which seems reasonable to me; it was the vocal tone.) But what would have seemed reasonable to me, once I explained that I simply do not have the money, would have been to let me reschedule the goddamned appointment, let me pick up another sample package of medication so that I don't stop taking my meds in the interim, and shut the fuck up. She rescheduled the appointment, and when I asked about med samples, she said she'd have to speak to the doctor and call me back. (Again, not really unreasonable; I can understand having to check with the MD before dispensing psychiatric meds.)
When they called me back, they told me that if I don't keep the appointment tomorrow, my chart will be closed. Closing my chart means that in order to see this doctor again, I would have to pay the initial visit fee ($150-some), and probably fill out some bloody annoying paperwork. They said that I can come in tomorrow and pick up another month's worth of medications, but if I don't come to the appointment (WHICH I CAN'T DO BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY), I will have to pay the initial visit fee again at the rescheduled appointment.
I was so upset when I got off the phone that I immediately bummed a cig. I was trying to quit, or at least cut back severely. (Later on, I went and bought a pack, to avoid bumming too much from my friends.)
I'm still pissed off, and this happened a few hours ago.
I was supposed to meet my parents for supper tonight; my aunt and uncle and some of my cousins are in town, and I would like to see them. But I'm too angry and upset, and I don't want my family to see me like that.
I told my family I didn't want to drive tonight because in order to get where we were to meet for supper, I would have to drive over a major bridge, and we are currently under the last little bits of Tropical Storm Alberto, so I didn't want to drive over a bridge in 45 mph winds. This is true, but it was an excuse.
When I told my boyfriend, he said, "Fuck him. He's an asshat, and we don't need him. We'll find another doctor." He also said that when he goes to work tomorrow (he's a paramedic and works at a hospital), he's going to ask around and find out the proper channels to go through to file a formal complaint.
I have been having the worst time all evening trying to calm myself down; I can't lie down and take a nap because I'm too upset. Every time I try to quiet my mind, I start having thoughts of harming myself, or thoughts of suicide. The old, "This is hopeless, you can't be saved, you're not worth saving, you should just go away" recording is playing in my head again.
I think I'm going to have a friend ride with me tomorrow to pick up my meds, just for moral support. And I'm going to need her help anyway, to get my parents' car back to them. I just hope I've calmed down enough to drive safely by then.