Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.

[azdesertrose]

Well, I saw my counselor today and informed her about the latest episode of doctor shit; I told her that I have no desire to see this doctor again, that in my current mental state I don't need that kind of "help."

So she gave me another referral to a doctor about whom she'd recently heard very good things. Sadly, he's not taking new patients, and his practice does not accept self-pay patients, so I can't even see a different doctor in the same practice.

Which means that now I have to try to find a doctor. I have 35 days of meds before I run out.

Damn. Shit.

I don't want to do this; I'm tired, and sometimes I feel like I used up my coping resources years ago and have run that well dry. But as I tell myself sometimes, (paraphrasing David Eddings), you don't have to like it, you just have to do it.

In slightly better news, my counselor and I discussed my treatment plan, and short-term goals for my therapy since I am having trouble making long-term goals. She wants me to be able to articulate my thoughts and feelings, since I am quite articulate, but I just can't always seem to open up and express my negative emotions. I shout it to the world when I'm amused or happy, because I figure most people WANT to hear happy and amusing thoughts; when I'm feeling bad in whatever fashion, I tend to just shut the doors and keep it to myself, because I tend to think that no one wants to know these things.

Cliff and I discussed the codeword suggestion that sistahraven made when I posted about having trouble talking; he told me to select the codewords, define them, and inform him. I decided to keep it fairly simple; three codewords for three problem emotional states. "Jellyfish" means I feel kind of "wobbly", emotionally out of control; that started as kind of a joke, but I decided to keep the animal theme. "Rabbit" means I feel scared or I'm triggered or I'm having a lot of bad thoughts and I just want to go hide from the world. "Salmon" means I feel like hurting myself or I'm having suicidal thoughts. There's some overlap in these emotional states; "jellyfish" can lead to "rabbit" which can lead to "salmon", but at least I can tell him, in words that have no emotional weight, when something is wrong, even if I can't quite manage to say exactly WHAT is wrong.

I'd like to get to a point where I feel well enough that I think I could handle going back to work or going for my MA, where every day isn't a great big question mark; am I going to be okay today or am I going to fall apart?

I'm no longer as angry as I was about the doctor's office. I am still rather upset if I let myself think about it; I had to think about it today so I could tell my counselor about it and ask for another referral.

I should probably wake Cliff up so we can clean the spare bedroom. If we can get that sorted out, and get the kitchen clean, then I can bring my books and kitchen things down from my parents' house, and actually be able to use my stuff for the first time in a couple of years. My crock pot, my toaster oven, my pots and pans, and my lovely lovely collection of books.

I think I'm going to get some more water, have a cig, and then try to shake him loose.