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May. 19th, 2006 02:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azdesertroseWell, I saw my counselor on Wednesday; she complimented Cliff and me on our ability to communicate and resolve difficulties (re: his beer breath during his birthday celebration).
She also seemed rather surprised at the doctor's phrasing of the rape question. She asked me if it was okay if she asked him why he said that; I told her to go for it. (I already cleared her to discuss my treatment and counseling with the doctor and her supervisor.) She seemed to agree with me that perhaps he might not be the best doctor for me. If he thinks there was anything I could have done to keep my dad from hurting me, then I don't need his kind of "help".
His office has called me a couple of times, but we keep missing each other. I'm not sure what they want; maybe they want to know why I haven't made an appointment.
I'm going to have to do something, because I only have so much of my medication, and I probably really do not need to stop taking it.
It all depresses me though; the thought of having to see the doctor again bothers me, because of the "was is JUST statutory rape" thing and because of his general demeanor, which made me a bit uncomfortable. But the thought of trying to find another doctor who is willing to see me without charging more than I can pay is not exactly thrilling either.
My counselor also wants me to think about my goals for treatment. I don't know. I'm having such a hard time making myself get out of bed most of the time that I have no real hope for being able to work or go to school again. (I've thought of returning to school to pursue my MA in English.)
I feel less suicidal than I did; at least I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about ways to kill myself. But I still feel fairly hopeless most of the time; I still can't see a future for myself in which I will be able to take care of myself, or be able to make my life into a life I want. I still can't see any way I'll ever be more than I am now, depressed and anxious and too afraid and despondent to really do anything.
I still worry about money, about getting the bills paid, about paying for my medical care, about the huge mass of debt I have (mostly medical). I still have nightmares; I had a horrendous one a few nights ago, in which my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their home, and they didn't want me around my daughter.
My parents have given me no real reason to think that they'd kick me out of their lives; I don't really know why I dreamt that.
I suppose I should call my counselor and ask if she has talked to the doctor, and if so, what he said and what she thinks I should do next. I'll call her in the morning, I guess.
She also seemed rather surprised at the doctor's phrasing of the rape question. She asked me if it was okay if she asked him why he said that; I told her to go for it. (I already cleared her to discuss my treatment and counseling with the doctor and her supervisor.) She seemed to agree with me that perhaps he might not be the best doctor for me. If he thinks there was anything I could have done to keep my dad from hurting me, then I don't need his kind of "help".
His office has called me a couple of times, but we keep missing each other. I'm not sure what they want; maybe they want to know why I haven't made an appointment.
I'm going to have to do something, because I only have so much of my medication, and I probably really do not need to stop taking it.
It all depresses me though; the thought of having to see the doctor again bothers me, because of the "was is JUST statutory rape" thing and because of his general demeanor, which made me a bit uncomfortable. But the thought of trying to find another doctor who is willing to see me without charging more than I can pay is not exactly thrilling either.
My counselor also wants me to think about my goals for treatment. I don't know. I'm having such a hard time making myself get out of bed most of the time that I have no real hope for being able to work or go to school again. (I've thought of returning to school to pursue my MA in English.)
I feel less suicidal than I did; at least I'm not spending a lot of time thinking about ways to kill myself. But I still feel fairly hopeless most of the time; I still can't see a future for myself in which I will be able to take care of myself, or be able to make my life into a life I want. I still can't see any way I'll ever be more than I am now, depressed and anxious and too afraid and despondent to really do anything.
I still worry about money, about getting the bills paid, about paying for my medical care, about the huge mass of debt I have (mostly medical). I still have nightmares; I had a horrendous one a few nights ago, in which my parents told me I was no longer welcome in their home, and they didn't want me around my daughter.
My parents have given me no real reason to think that they'd kick me out of their lives; I don't really know why I dreamt that.
I suppose I should call my counselor and ask if she has talked to the doctor, and if so, what he said and what she thinks I should do next. I'll call her in the morning, I guess.
