azdesertrose: (Default)
So Nicholas and I were lying in bed talking and he pointed out (damn it, I hoped no one would notice) that I don't take care of Nora. I make sure everybody else is taken care of but I neglect myself. He said he has never known a woman who makes as little an effort on her appearance as I do.

He's right. Half the time I don't comb my hair, I have to remind myself to brush my teeth (yuck, I know), and I neglect my health by letting my weight get as high as it is and smoking. I don't remember the last time I wore makeup, but it has to have been at least four years. I should throw out my makeup if I can even find it and buy new but I never wear it so why bother? He pointed out that I should have worn makeup to Jen's wedding, but I didn't, largely because it never even occurred to me at the time. I did style my hair and wear a dressy dress and dress shoes and stockings, but I didn't even consider putting on makeup.

I've forgotten how it feels to care about myself and my appearance. I think I've forgotten how to do it.

I could seriously stand to lose half my body weight, and at least ten dress sizes. My hair is presently a horrendous tangled bun on the back of my head. Why do I even keep it long if I don't take care of it? (It's slightly too short to sit on.)

He's gotten me taking walks, sometimes with him, sometimes by myself or with CC, to try to lose some weight and work on my cardiovascular fitness. My eating habits aren't that bad, but I could improve in that area too. On days when I don't walk (bad weather, whatever), I do yoga, which is not that great for cardio but feels good. And it's exercise, right? Anything is better than nothing in that area.

So how do you break the habit of not giving a shit about yourself? I seriously don't know what to do, how to be, so that I care about myself.

He made me cry by saying that I'm a beautiful, wonderful person who deserves love, both from others and from myself.

I don't know how.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nicholas and Cliff are both mad at me about smoking. Cliff got mad because I went out and smoked in the car because it's raining outside. Nicholas says I act like a junkie where cigs are concerned.

I feel like I need something to calm my nerves. I backed myself off the Buspar and Klonopin and now I am not taking anything to settle my nerves. Smoking calms me down when I'm feeling anxious.

Part of me would like to end that addiction. It's not healthy, it's expensive, everybody imaginable wants me to quit, there are ninety bazillion reasons not to smoke. But I can't get away from the comfort I get from smoking a cigarette.

I withdrew from the [ profile] _survivors_ group because Nicholas wanted me to; he said that it was only a painful reminder of what I've been through and that I should give it up. So I did.

But I feel like no one will let me have my comforts. I feel like I'm being asked to make all these changes and nothing is familiar or comfortable any more.

Cliff just read over my shoulder and said, "Why did you stop taking your anxiety medicines? I'd rather you were taking the anxiety medicines than smoking." Good question.

I backed off the Buspar because I didn't have any refills for it, and I felt like nobody trusts me with the Klonopin after what I did two weeks ago with the suicide attempt (overdose of Klonopin). But I guess I can refill the Klonopin and/or talk to my psychiatrist about writing me a script for the Buspar. (I was originally prescribed the Buspar by a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't think my psychiatrist has ever prescribed it to me.)

I probably should talk this over with Patricia (my new therapist) when I see her again next Monday. I need some new comforts in order to get rid of the cigarettes. I just don't know what else to do.


Nov. 28th, 2008 09:29 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've smoked two and a half cigs all day. I think I'm doing pretty well.


Nov. 27th, 2008 07:09 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I really want a cig but Nicholas just confiscated my smokes and won't let me smoke one for another two hours because I just smoked one an hour ago.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So I got Nicholas to agree that if I work on my physical and mental health, he'll lay off me about the smoking for a while, until I can get to a more settled place mentally where I feel I can let go of the nicotine crutch.

So Nicholas and I are going to form the habit of sharing walks, or if the weather is too crappy for walking outside, I'll do my yoga thing on Yourself! Fitness. I'm going to work on cooking low fat, high fiber, heavy on the lean meat, whole grains, and fresh veggies kinds of suppers.

I'm also going back to counseling. I have three appointments next week to check out counselors to see if they will be able to help me.

That's going to be a lot of difficult emotional work. I'm going to have to drag up memories of what my dad and ex-husband did to me that I'd rather not think about, but I'm dreaming about them anyway, so I have to deal with them. I have to learn to love myself and nurture myself in a way that I have never done. Nobody's going to do it for me. Cliff and Nicholas and Jen can stand by me and hug me and help me hold myself up, but in the end, I have to do the hard work.

Nobody can do it but me.

Oh great.

Nov. 15th, 2008 11:00 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I had to beg Nicholas to let me have a cigarette. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anybody. I'm always doing things for everybody else and I feel stretched too thin. I want to run away from my thoughts and I can't. Nowhere I run is far enough. So I dump them here.

I went out and bought a bottle of mango rum for Nicholas because he self-medicates with alcohol to help his thoughts slow down enough for him to communicate difficult things (read: emotional things) clearly. It's not healthy for him, just like smoking is not healthy for me, but I did it because it works in the moment. When I brought that up to him in the fuss for a smoke, he said I was using it as leverage.

Why is it that the unhealthy coping mechanisms work so well? Smoking, drinking, drugs, cutting... I could keep going. Nothing calms me down like pain and the sight of my blood on my wrists but I can't do that. Cliff throws a fit. I don't ever cut deep enough to really harm myself, just enough for a sharp pain and a little blood. I'd really like to cut right now. I think it would help me calm down, but I can't. I think smoking a joint would probably help too, but there again, Cliff threw an absolute fit the last time I took a hit at a party.

I just feel like I'm helping everybody else cope and nobody's trying to help me cope.

I probably need to go back to counseling but where am I going to get the money for it? I wish I could go back to Renee. I have a feeling that Jewish Family and Community Services is going to bounce me from intern to intern so I can't get settled with one counselor and get any real work done.

Part of me would like to go in my room and scream. I just feel so unsettled and agitated today. I can't type worth a damn. Only the fact that I can't stand to leave errors in my writing is keeping this entry from looking completely crazy.


Nov. 15th, 2008 11:43 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm half asleep. I need either caffeine or nicotine, preferably both. Grrr.

*iz grouchy*
azdesertrose: (Default)
Okay, so I thought Nicholas had tossed the pack of smokes. He didn't, but we only shared three last night, so that's better even than I was doing before the scare. We haven't smoked at all today although I asked if we could have one after we earlier. He said we could have one after supper, which will be spaghetti.

I really want some chips so I can eat the salsa I made. I also need to pick up some salad mix for noshing on, since Nicholas' tummy has been a bit upset and he needs more fresh veggies. Won't hurt the rest of us either. But nobody really feels like going anywhere today, me included.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, Tuesday night, I was trying to go to bed but my heart started racing and I could swear I felt my heart thrashing in my chest. I was short of breath, couldn't breathe lying down, and Cliff said my pulse was all weird. After a while the weird feeling in my chest turned into actual pain, so I went to the hospital.

Everything checks out fine; I didn't have a heart attack, and my heart is fine. They did an EKG and monitored my heart and breathing for a day, and they did a stress test on me (damn, do those things feel weird) and told me to watch my diet (low fat, low sodium, the usual cardiac thing) and sent me home.

But it scared the crap out of all three of us. So Nicholas threw out a mostly full pack of Djarum Cherry (damn it, those taste good, too), and I am not allowed to smoke. Any more. At all. Full stop.

I haven't had a cigarette since before the episode Tuesday night, and I actually feel kind of okay with that. Not that I'd turn one down, but I don't feel as fucked up as I usually feel without smoking. We'll see how I handle an emotional crisis sans smokie treats.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Okay, so I committed to Nicholas that I would quit smoking by Yule; he's giving me til Christmas proper. But I have until 25 December to quit smoking.

In August, I smoked a pack a day. Now I'm down to four to six cigarettes a day, shared with Nicholas. I found that I can't smoke my old brand any more; they make me want to throw up. I bought a pack a week or so ago, smoked three drags and threw the cigarette out the car window, tried very hard not to throw up all over myself, and gave the rest of the pack to my neighbor who smokes. I told him the cigarette fairy visited him. :)

I have a quit buddy in Nicholas, and in [ profile] quelque_part, with whom I've been emailing about quit strategies and coping mechanisms besides a cig.

I can do yoga. I have a game for the Xbox called Yourself Fitness which has a yoga feature, so I can go do a half-hour of yoga when I want a smoke. I can deep breathe. I also have a dietary supplement to help the ol' bod detoxify and it came with a support CD that I need to start listening to every day.

If I wait for my life to be free of stress, or even minimally stressful, I'll wait forever. Dr. Holmes said I have to quit by 35 or she's taking me off my birth control pills, which work really well for me, and I don't want to quit using them. I'll be 33 in January.

So cross your fingers for me that it'll work this time. I really do need to quit. I'm tired of coughing (Nicholas freaks when I cough; he says it sounds horrible). Everybody in my life wants me to quit.

So here I go again, slowly cutting back, with an eye on being completely smoke-free by Christmas.


Nov. 3rd, 2008 11:23 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm trying really hard to cope with everything. All the new demands on my time, all the changes in my life.

The one thing I just can't cope with right now is trying to quit smoking. I just can't deal with that right now on top of everything else. I just can't deal with it right now.

It really is either I smoke when I get stressed, or I buy razor blades again and start cutting myself every time I get stressed. That's what it boils down to. I'd rather smoke.


Nov. 2nd, 2008 03:19 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel like I can't cope any more.

No matter what I do, somebody is angry with me. I've mentioned feeling wrong-footed with Cliff all the time, and now Nicholas is mad at me about my smoking.

I feel like I can't calm down at all. Hot baths don't help, the Klonopin only helps if I take three or four of them, smoking helps for a little while.

I just want to give up and quit trying to make anybody happy because I'm constantly failing at it any way.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I'm still not feeling wonderful, but I feel better than I did yesterday. I still feel a little like crying or cutting, since I can't seem to cry.

Nicholas and Cliff both held me and comforted me last night. That's something I hadn't counted on as part of this whole polyamory thing, that I would have both of them to hold me when I need to be held and comforted. It felt good to have them both cuddling me and telling me that I was safe and okay.

I really want a cigarette right now, but I just smoked one a little while ago. I shouldn't go smoke again so soon, but I want to.

It really feels like Cliff and Nicholas and I are coming together as a trio, bonding together and taking care of each other, which was what I had hoped for.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I think I've worked out a way around Cliff's emotional jealousy issues without hurting Nicholas. I think I've figured out how to explain to Cliff that I can (and do) love Nicholas without taking anything away from him. We shall see if it actually works the way I think it will.

Nicholas is still here and is in fact within arm's reach of me now. We're puttering around on our respective computers.

Cliff brought a cold home from work and now we are all three sick. If Dixie catches it, she'll probably land back in the hospital again. Jeez.

Nicholas may be moving in with us sooner than originally planned. I would have preferred to have Dixie and Nancy out of here first, but it looks like he may need someplace to stay sooner than that, and I'd rather squeeze him in here than worry (as I will no matter how many times he tells me not to) about whether or not he's sleeping indoors and eating regularly.

I so do not want to put him on that train tomorrow night.

Cliff doesn't particularly seem to want him to leave either. Nicholas was puttering around in the computer room and Cliff was taking a bath and told me to "go check the lottery ticket. If we won, then Nicholas doesn't have to go back to North Carolina." I think he's just happy to have someone to play and discuss Warcrack with who doesn't give me the willies the way Tyler sometimes does. (Tyler finds child-like women attractive, and that's always made me a little uneasy.)

Cliff and Nicholas have suddenly become hell bent that I should start playing Warcrack as well. Nicholas confessed to me that it was so they could game and not feel like they were neglecting me. I've created a character and puttered around with her a little bit, but I don't think it will ever become the addiction for me that it is for them. I don't know. I was iffy about tabletop gaming the first time I did it, and now I love it, so no telling, really.

Sex talk and WAY TMI, so skip it if you like. )

Oh, and my stepdad has seen Nicholas with us, because I ran out of gas on Friday trying to make it two more miles to the bank to cash Cliff's paycheck and to the gas station and my stepdad had to save my ass for the 902nd time or so. Bill didn't say anything, and I was a bit nervous so I forgot to introduce them to each other like I meant to. I don't particularly relish the thought of cluing my parents in to my love life because I just generally don't tell them much about it, but if/when Nicholas comes to stay they'll find out eventually that he's more than a friend to me. I'd actually rather tell my daughter than my parents. Mini-me would probably look at me a little funny and then shrug it off. My parents are liable to have a complete cow that I have a fiance AND a lover.

Nicholas has joined Cliff's campaign to get me to quit smoking. I presently have a horrible cough, partially from smoking and partially from this stupid cold. I had a coughing fit a bit ago and Nicholas took my hand and looked me dead in the eyes with those lovely dark eyes of his and said, "I really wish you'd quit smoking." I really should anyway. It's just that the habit is so damn hard to break.

I really should get some sleep. I'm just not as sleepy as I should be, given I've been.


Jul. 24th, 2008 05:24 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
We have an appointment to go look at an apartment that will be about $50 less a month than this place is. Every little bit helps, I guess. The appointment is on Saturday at 1pm.

That's the best I can do, to find a place that is decent, accepts pets, and has washer/dryer connections.

I wish I could find something nice for cheaper but it just doesn't look like it's going to happen.

I'm craving a cig so bad right now I could tear my skin off. I hate that I couldn't buy smokes. This sucks.

I think I'm going to go see if a certain neighbor is home from work and will let me bum one.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff is at work, so I get the big computer.

We're probably going to have to cut back on a few things to be able to afford the necessities but hopefully we'll be able to hang on to the internet because I would really be hating life with no 'net. Cliff says I have to quit smoking because we can't afford cigarettes any more. I told him I'm not responsible if I kill his sister.

Speaking of smoking, I'm going to go see if I can bum a smoke from my neighbor.
azdesertrose: (Oh shit!)
I fail at quitting smoking.

I gave up and bought a pack today. :(
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm very anxious today. I want to hurt myself again, but I don't want to go back into the hospital. I'm trying to distract myself by chatting with my friends Kevin and Mike but every time the chat goes quiet I have to restrain myself from pinching and scratching at my arms.

I took two extra Klonopin but it's not really helping.

I wish I could have a cigarette but I really want to quit.

I feel torn in so many directions.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
I should not let myself stay awake for 30 hours. It screws up my med schedule and it messes up my brain in general.

I got up at 11:30 on Monday to go see my counselor. Unfortunately, just as I got to know her and get comfortable with her, her internship is ending, so I'm being transferred to another intern named Jen, not to be confused with my best friend and matron of honor Jen. Counselor Jen sat in on this, my last session with Lisa, and I made an appointment to see Jen when she gets back from vacation, so I don't have another counseling appointment until May. This is a good thing because it saves me some money for a little while; it's a bad thing because I kind of need to see a counselor.

I came home from my counseling appointment and messed around online and was going to get off the computer and go to bed when my friend Kevin logged on. Kevin has been without internet for a while so I was thrilled to see him online and tackle-hugged him and generally talked his ear off. He and I are editing each other's novels; we are particularly well-paired for this because my strong suits are his weak points and vice versa. I am brilliant with language and the mechanics of grammar and style; he is a wonderful and creative storyteller with an excellent sense of pacing and plotting. We spent hours chatting about my story and his, and by the time he went to bed it was 2:30 am. By that point there was no reason to go to bed because I'd just have to get up in a few hours to get Cliff from work, and getting only a few hours of sleep when I need a full night's worth of sleep is bad for me; it makes me bitchy and groggy. So I just stayed up until it was time to go get Cliff.

I brought him home, we snuggled and had sex, and I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I decided to take a bath to see if that would relax me but it didn't, I took a couple of Klonopin trying to relax myself, but that didn't really help either, so I got up to do some work on my story, logged on to chat, and wound up staying up until 3:30 in the afternoon, by which point I'd taken a couple of Benadryl to try to drug myself into sleep, when I finally started to be so tired that I couldn't walk straight. So I went to bed.

I woke back up around 9 pm, completely disoriented and scared to death. I don't know if I had a nightmare or what. I called Cliff into the bedroom and he helped me orient myself as to date and time and things, but I started having really strong self-injury urges. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw myself carving on my arms, great big bloody cuts all over my arms. I told Cliff I didn't want to be alone because I was afraid I'd hurt myself. He hadn't known I had bought razor blades again and he made me give them to him and he threw them away. I was very tense and upset and crying, so he stayed with me anyway; he curled up with me in bed and held me until I finally fell asleep.

I woke up again around 1 this afternoon. I went grocery shopping which I direly needed to do, made veggie soup for supper, and played around on the computer some, working on my story and chatting with my friend Ben.

But Cliff reclaimed the big computer and I don't really feel like chatting. I wish I could go out for coffee with someone who would understand how I'm feeling. I still feel a little off, not nearly as bad as I felt last night. I don't want to cry, but I still feel like hurting myself and I can't quite work out why. I just think I'd feel better if I could cut, but now I have no razor blades and I never liked knives, plus my kitchen knives are too dull to cut my skin; I've tried.

I kind of want a cigarette but that's not the answer either. I called my friend Jen but I got her voice mail so she must be at work.

I wish I had someone else to call or go out with, just to get somewhere besides the house, just to get away from my thoughts of hurting myself.
azdesertrose: (WTF?)
I have now been awake for something approaching 24 hours. I should be dead to the world, all warm and snuggly in my bed with my honey.

My entire body is stiff and will not relax. My mind will not shut up; thoughts are bouncing around in my head like those bouncy balls I used to buy out of gumball machines when I was a kid and drive my mother insane with by bouncing them in her kitchen while she was trying to cook.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, like something is about to fall out of me and I'm tensed against it.

I don't think my muscles were this contracted in labor, but it's been almost 16 years so maybe my memory is faulty on that count.

I want to cry but the only tears I get are the tears that come out when I yawn. For whatever bizarre biochemical reason, my eyes tear up when I yawn; everybody thinks I'm crying and I'm not. It's just that I yawned. My eyes have always done that and I've never gotten a satisfactory answer as to why.

Am I avoiding sleep to avoid nightmares? Am I about to remember something new?

I'm safe now. I have a roof over my head and food on my table and a man who worships the ground I walk on.

So maybe my mind is going to release something that it didn't feel safe releasing before?

I got all righteously angry earlier over a post in survivors about "Christians" trying to force a survivor to forgive her assailant. That shit pisses me off but fast.

Then I got all righteously angry about the "false memory syndrome" idiots as you saw in my previous post.

So maybe I'm just too pissed off to sleep.

Not that righteous anger isn't a good cleansing sort of anger, and I tend to get that way in defense of other survivors. I get all mama-tiger and GRRRRRR at the people who would re-victimize someone who's doing his or her damnedest to heal.

(a few hours later)

Now I'm just awake. I'm not as tense as I was, but I still don't feel like I can go to sleep. I'm plenty tired, but it's like I'm afraid to try to sleep.

When I picked up Cliff from work this morning, he was sleepy too, and we got in bed together and snuggled and had sex. For the first time in a while I had to remind myself that it was Cliff touching me and not my dad. I snuggled up to him afterward and smelled him and it was okay. The smell of his hair comforts me; I like his shampoo.

Maybe I'm triggered by all the posts I read in survivors yesterday and that's why I can't sleep. Hypervigilant, which I'm always guilty of.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I was on such an even keel and now it seems to be all out of whack.

I really want a cigarette but I can't have one. I have to learn some other coping mechanism than polluting my lungs.

I thought I was okay.

I thought I was tougher than this.

I want to cut myself but that shouldn't be an option either. While probably less harmful in the long run than smoking, I shouldn't be doing it. But part of me is saying, just a little cut and you'll feel better. A little bit of blood and you'll know you're real.

Part of me wants to scream and cry for no apparent reason whatsoever. I thought I was past the screaming and crying stage.

I know what happened to me. Maybe not all of it, but I know. I own my life. My father molested and raped me for years until I got up the guts to tell my mother what he was doing and she put a stop to that so fast it probably made his head spin. He terrorized me with his alcoholism and unpredictable temper until I was afraid to defy him at all, and then he used his power to take my innocence and shatter my psyche. I know what happened to me.

And I know what my first husband did. He isolated me from my friends, controlled the way I dressed and looked, disparaged my family, and raped me when I was crying "No" and pushing him away. I know what happened to me.

And intellectually I know I didn't deserve it.

But I feel deeply cracked by it all. Damaged down to the core of my self. Broken in ways that may never be fixed.

I wonder why anybody loves me, much less loves me as much as Cliff does, and I'm afraid to fully trust in that love because love and pain walk hand in hand so much of the time.

I tell myself when I'm with Cliff, "He loves you and he won't hurt you. He loves you and he won't hurt you."

Maybe I just need to go hold my teddy bear and have a good cry. Maybe then I could sleep. Right now I feel so upset and panicky that I can't relax enough to sleep.


azdesertrose: (Default)

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