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azdesertroseI had to beg Nicholas to let me have a cigarette. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anybody. I'm always doing things for everybody else and I feel stretched too thin. I want to run away from my thoughts and I can't. Nowhere I run is far enough. So I dump them here.
I went out and bought a bottle of mango rum for Nicholas because he self-medicates with alcohol to help his thoughts slow down enough for him to communicate difficult things (read: emotional things) clearly. It's not healthy for him, just like smoking is not healthy for me, but I did it because it works in the moment. When I brought that up to him in the fuss for a smoke, he said I was using it as leverage.
Why is it that the unhealthy coping mechanisms work so well? Smoking, drinking, drugs, cutting... I could keep going. Nothing calms me down like pain and the sight of my blood on my wrists but I can't do that. Cliff throws a fit. I don't ever cut deep enough to really harm myself, just enough for a sharp pain and a little blood. I'd really like to cut right now. I think it would help me calm down, but I can't. I think smoking a joint would probably help too, but there again, Cliff threw an absolute fit the last time I took a hit at a party.
I just feel like I'm helping everybody else cope and nobody's trying to help me cope.
I probably need to go back to counseling but where am I going to get the money for it? I wish I could go back to Renee. I have a feeling that Jewish Family and Community Services is going to bounce me from intern to intern so I can't get settled with one counselor and get any real work done.
Part of me would like to go in my room and scream. I just feel so unsettled and agitated today. I can't type worth a damn. Only the fact that I can't stand to leave errors in my writing is keeping this entry from looking completely crazy.
I went out and bought a bottle of mango rum for Nicholas because he self-medicates with alcohol to help his thoughts slow down enough for him to communicate difficult things (read: emotional things) clearly. It's not healthy for him, just like smoking is not healthy for me, but I did it because it works in the moment. When I brought that up to him in the fuss for a smoke, he said I was using it as leverage.
Why is it that the unhealthy coping mechanisms work so well? Smoking, drinking, drugs, cutting... I could keep going. Nothing calms me down like pain and the sight of my blood on my wrists but I can't do that. Cliff throws a fit. I don't ever cut deep enough to really harm myself, just enough for a sharp pain and a little blood. I'd really like to cut right now. I think it would help me calm down, but I can't. I think smoking a joint would probably help too, but there again, Cliff threw an absolute fit the last time I took a hit at a party.
I just feel like I'm helping everybody else cope and nobody's trying to help me cope.
I probably need to go back to counseling but where am I going to get the money for it? I wish I could go back to Renee. I have a feeling that Jewish Family and Community Services is going to bounce me from intern to intern so I can't get settled with one counselor and get any real work done.
Part of me would like to go in my room and scream. I just feel so unsettled and agitated today. I can't type worth a damn. Only the fact that I can't stand to leave errors in my writing is keeping this entry from looking completely crazy.
