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Apr. 16th, 2008 07:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azdesertroseI should not let myself stay awake for 30 hours. It screws up my med schedule and it messes up my brain in general.
I got up at 11:30 on Monday to go see my counselor. Unfortunately, just as I got to know her and get comfortable with her, her internship is ending, so I'm being transferred to another intern named Jen, not to be confused with my best friend and matron of honor Jen. Counselor Jen sat in on this, my last session with Lisa, and I made an appointment to see Jen when she gets back from vacation, so I don't have another counseling appointment until May. This is a good thing because it saves me some money for a little while; it's a bad thing because I kind of need to see a counselor.
I came home from my counseling appointment and messed around online and was going to get off the computer and go to bed when my friend Kevin logged on. Kevin has been without internet for a while so I was thrilled to see him online and tackle-hugged him and generally talked his ear off. He and I are editing each other's novels; we are particularly well-paired for this because my strong suits are his weak points and vice versa. I am brilliant with language and the mechanics of grammar and style; he is a wonderful and creative storyteller with an excellent sense of pacing and plotting. We spent hours chatting about my story and his, and by the time he went to bed it was 2:30 am. By that point there was no reason to go to bed because I'd just have to get up in a few hours to get Cliff from work, and getting only a few hours of sleep when I need a full night's worth of sleep is bad for me; it makes me bitchy and groggy. So I just stayed up until it was time to go get Cliff.
I brought him home, we snuggled and had sex, and I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I decided to take a bath to see if that would relax me but it didn't, I took a couple of Klonopin trying to relax myself, but that didn't really help either, so I got up to do some work on my story, logged on to chat, and wound up staying up until 3:30 in the afternoon, by which point I'd taken a couple of Benadryl to try to drug myself into sleep, when I finally started to be so tired that I couldn't walk straight. So I went to bed.
I woke back up around 9 pm, completely disoriented and scared to death. I don't know if I had a nightmare or what. I called Cliff into the bedroom and he helped me orient myself as to date and time and things, but I started having really strong self-injury urges. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw myself carving on my arms, great big bloody cuts all over my arms. I told Cliff I didn't want to be alone because I was afraid I'd hurt myself. He hadn't known I had bought razor blades again and he made me give them to him and he threw them away. I was very tense and upset and crying, so he stayed with me anyway; he curled up with me in bed and held me until I finally fell asleep.
I woke up again around 1 this afternoon. I went grocery shopping which I direly needed to do, made veggie soup for supper, and played around on the computer some, working on my story and chatting with my friend Ben.
But Cliff reclaimed the big computer and I don't really feel like chatting. I wish I could go out for coffee with someone who would understand how I'm feeling. I still feel a little off, not nearly as bad as I felt last night. I don't want to cry, but I still feel like hurting myself and I can't quite work out why. I just think I'd feel better if I could cut, but now I have no razor blades and I never liked knives, plus my kitchen knives are too dull to cut my skin; I've tried.
I kind of want a cigarette but that's not the answer either. I called my friend Jen but I got her voice mail so she must be at work.
I wish I had someone else to call or go out with, just to get somewhere besides the house, just to get away from my thoughts of hurting myself.
I got up at 11:30 on Monday to go see my counselor. Unfortunately, just as I got to know her and get comfortable with her, her internship is ending, so I'm being transferred to another intern named Jen, not to be confused with my best friend and matron of honor Jen. Counselor Jen sat in on this, my last session with Lisa, and I made an appointment to see Jen when she gets back from vacation, so I don't have another counseling appointment until May. This is a good thing because it saves me some money for a little while; it's a bad thing because I kind of need to see a counselor.
I came home from my counseling appointment and messed around online and was going to get off the computer and go to bed when my friend Kevin logged on. Kevin has been without internet for a while so I was thrilled to see him online and tackle-hugged him and generally talked his ear off. He and I are editing each other's novels; we are particularly well-paired for this because my strong suits are his weak points and vice versa. I am brilliant with language and the mechanics of grammar and style; he is a wonderful and creative storyteller with an excellent sense of pacing and plotting. We spent hours chatting about my story and his, and by the time he went to bed it was 2:30 am. By that point there was no reason to go to bed because I'd just have to get up in a few hours to get Cliff from work, and getting only a few hours of sleep when I need a full night's worth of sleep is bad for me; it makes me bitchy and groggy. So I just stayed up until it was time to go get Cliff.
I brought him home, we snuggled and had sex, and I tried to go to sleep but couldn't. I decided to take a bath to see if that would relax me but it didn't, I took a couple of Klonopin trying to relax myself, but that didn't really help either, so I got up to do some work on my story, logged on to chat, and wound up staying up until 3:30 in the afternoon, by which point I'd taken a couple of Benadryl to try to drug myself into sleep, when I finally started to be so tired that I couldn't walk straight. So I went to bed.
I woke back up around 9 pm, completely disoriented and scared to death. I don't know if I had a nightmare or what. I called Cliff into the bedroom and he helped me orient myself as to date and time and things, but I started having really strong self-injury urges. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw myself carving on my arms, great big bloody cuts all over my arms. I told Cliff I didn't want to be alone because I was afraid I'd hurt myself. He hadn't known I had bought razor blades again and he made me give them to him and he threw them away. I was very tense and upset and crying, so he stayed with me anyway; he curled up with me in bed and held me until I finally fell asleep.
I woke up again around 1 this afternoon. I went grocery shopping which I direly needed to do, made veggie soup for supper, and played around on the computer some, working on my story and chatting with my friend Ben.
But Cliff reclaimed the big computer and I don't really feel like chatting. I wish I could go out for coffee with someone who would understand how I'm feeling. I still feel a little off, not nearly as bad as I felt last night. I don't want to cry, but I still feel like hurting myself and I can't quite work out why. I just think I'd feel better if I could cut, but now I have no razor blades and I never liked knives, plus my kitchen knives are too dull to cut my skin; I've tried.
I kind of want a cigarette but that's not the answer either. I called my friend Jen but I got her voice mail so she must be at work.
I wish I had someone else to call or go out with, just to get somewhere besides the house, just to get away from my thoughts of hurting myself.
