azdesertrose: (Default)
Okay, so she came home last night, and she's feeling much better. Almost back to her normal sassy self. :)


Apr. 19th, 2010 03:13 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, she's feeling better today and might be coming home today. It probably isn't pancreatitis (thank goodness) but who knows WTH it actually is making her so miserable. I'm not sure how much I care so long as she feels better.


Apr. 17th, 2010 04:00 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Mini-me is in the ER with probable pancreatitis. She just had her gallbladder removed on Monday, and apparently inflammation of the pancreas can happen after gallbladder removal surgery.

Prayers, good thoughts, good wishes, etc. are greatly appreciated.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Mini-me is in the ER right now. She had her gallbladder removed on Monday, and now she's in pain again. Probably pancreatitis, which can happen after gallbladder surgery. Poor kid can't catch a break. Any and all prayers, good thoughts, good wishes, etc. are greatly appreciated.

*le sigh*

Oct. 28th, 2008 03:01 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I am going crazier than normal here.

I feel like I'm being asked to make a lot of changes at the same time and I'm overwhelmed.

Nicholas and Cliff both want me to stop smoking and cut down my caffeine intake. (I go through tea like a motherfucker.)

Cliff wants me to be more attentive to him (which I've been trying to do but apparently not well enough) and to be more conscious of the BDSM aspect of our relationship.

BDSM and sex, skip it if you like )

And in addition to the changes Cliff wants to make in our relationship, and the changes they both want me to make related to my health, I'm having to change the way I run the household, because Nicholas is here, and I have to buy enough food for five people now, not four. I have one more person to consider when I plan the menu and buy groceries, and there are certain things that Nicholas eats and drinks that the rest of us don't, really. (For example, he likes soy milk on his breakfast cereal.) It doesn't bother me to make these changes, but it's taking me a little time to change my way of thinking about the household stuff.

I also don't get as much time as I used to get to putter around on the computer. I used to spend a LOT of time on IRC chatting with Mike and Kevin and various others, and now I only get to duck in every couple of days. I miss my guys.

I just feel like I'm spread rather thinly these days, I guess. I have to spend time with Cliff and with Nicholas and we need trio time and I occasionally need alone time and I haven't seen Jen since the wedding. I have seen Mini-me twice in the last month.

That's a whole different can of worms. I have yet to introduce Nicholas and Mini-me, and I have yet to attempt to explain Nicholas' role in my life. She is pretty laid-back and cool, but I'm wondering how "Mom is poly" is going to fly with her. It would be different if she'd been born into a poly family, but having it thrust on her when she's most of the way grown might not go so well.

So in addition to the daily demands on my time, I need some Jen time, and I need some mom-and-daughter time with Mini-me.

There just aren't enough hours in a day any more.

I don't want to schedule people's emotional needs as if I'm some sort of executive penciling things into her day-planner. But something's got to give here. I just don't want to shortchange anybody in my life, and it feels like everybody's getting shortchanged right now, including me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff is sick. He's got a stomach virus so he's in bed resting. When he wakes up I'm going to make him drink some water and see if he can keep that down. He needs fluids after all the throwing up and diarrhea he's had. Poor honey.

I'm okay, just on my period so I'm a little crampy and cranky.

Mini-me was supposed to come over today but she's sick too so we're going to put off hanging out until this weekend.

I guess that's all that's really going on around here. That, and waiting for SS to come through. *fingers crossed*
azdesertrose: (Default)
Home and awake. Nobody is awake but me and the cats. I fed them but Tessa follows me around.

I went outside for a smoke and when I came back in, there was Tessa waiting by the door. She's such a sweet kitty. I love that cat. I love Sweetie Pie too, but Tessa is my darling kitty who loves on me all the time. Heck, I even love that dumb dog, CC, even though he's a big wuss when it comes to thunderstorms. He was so sweet when I broke my right foot and sprained my left and couldn't get around; he guarded me. I couldn't go to the bathroom without him; he followed me everywhere as if he was trying to protect me from hurting myself any worse. He'll probably hang out with me today since Cliff is at work. He prefers Cliff over anybody else but he hangs out with me when Cliff is at work. He'll come in here and lay under my writing desk, and occasionally come over and want me to pet him.

I don't know what I'd do without my pets. I can't imagine life without furballs in the house. Yes, there's some work involved with feeding them and taking care of them but they give you so much love and laughter. Sweetie Pie and Tessa play kitty tag and chase each other all over the place and make me laugh.

Tessa has a missing patch of fur on her side; I don't know what happened there. I gave it a good look and she's not injured; she just has a bald patch on her side. I saw where the fur is growing back so maybe she just got into it with Sweetie Pie and lost some fur. Nancy suggested that she had a bad reaction to a flea bite (CC tracks fleas in when he goes outside to do his business) but there's no sign of a flea bite or any kind of injury at all. I'll just keep an eye on it and if it grows back I won't worry.

Speaking of pets, Mike and Charlie are having loads of fun with their puppies. They're taking them to obedience classes but those puppies are space cadets and want to play with the other puppies instead of doing what they're supposed to do. The puppies wake them up at oh-dark-thirty to go potty, but at least they're learning not to potty in the house; I'm sure Mike is sick of cleaning up dog mess. Oh, and they met another gay couple through the puppies; they were out on their porch with the puppies when this other gay couple came by walking their dogs and stopped to talk. I told him they'd make new friends through the puppies, and apparently they have a lot in common with this other couple, so that's cool. Mike needs more friends than just his online buddies like me, and Charlie was hoping to make some gay friends that they have things in common with. Mike and Charlie are both such sweethearts; I'm glad they're making new friends in their new city (they recently moved to Springfield, MO, from Jefferson City which they hated). Apparently they're planning to do dinner and a movie; I don't know if they'll go out to dinner or have the other couple over for Charlie's cooking. Charlie is a good cook; Mike hates to cook, so it's a good thing he married a man who loves to cook or else he'd be living on microwave dinners. (Yes, I know gay marriage isn't legal in Missouri, but I don't give a damn. They've been together through thick and thin for working on 17 years now, so they're just as married as any other couple I know, as far as I'm concerned.) They still meet each other at the door with a kiss and a hug, which I think is incredibly sweet and romantic, but they're wonderful people, both of them. They're both kind, gentle, sweet men, and they're happy together, which I think is great. I hope Cliff and I are as happy as they are when we've been together as long as they have. Mike is my relationship guru; when I'm having trouble with Cliff (which is fairly rare), I ask him for advice because he clearly knows how to hold a relationship together. And he's a man so he knows how men think. Men just think differently from women. Something is wired differently in the upper story, there.

I wish Mike and Charlie could get married legally. I think I'll see gay marriage become universally legal in my lifetime, but because of Charlie's age, I don't think it will happen in his lifetime although I suppose it could. I would so go to their wedding. I just think it's totally unfair that they can't get married because they're both men. It doesn't make sense to me. It seems sexist and like religious discrimination (forcing Christian values on everybody in a country that's here because people were seeking religious freedom).

I wonder if my daughter will marry another woman instead of a man. She's had boyfriends but she's openly bisexual (as am I), and she told me when she was about eight that she'd marry her friend Katie if only Katie were a boy. My parents will have a heart attack if she marries another woman, but I'll be cool with it. I was one of the first people she came out to, and she said she was glad I didn't have a cow over it. Ever since she made the Katie remark, I'd been preparing myself for her to tell me she was lesbian or bi, so I was able to be like, "Okay, cool." I'd actually rather she was sexually active with girls than boys because at least that way she can't get pregnant too soon like I did. I don't think she's sexually active with anybody but herself yet; I think she'd come to me for condoms if she were going to have sex with a boy. God knows she couldn't ask my parents for something like that, but I'd be like, okay, whatever, and probably break out a sex toy to show her how to put a condom on right so that they don't screw it up and break the damn thing. I actually need to do that anyway, whether she's sexually active or not, because I want her to know how to put a condom on correctly so that she knows how to do it when the time does come that she wants to have sex with a boy.

I don't know that I have a point here; I'm just rambling about whatever comes to mind. I guess I'll shut up now.

More drama

May. 24th, 2008 11:03 pm
azdesertrose: (Stab you in the eye!!)
Nancy still isn't home.

She said on Friday that she was going to move in with her friends in Waycross; Cliff told her that if she does that, she's cut off from the family. Her phone will not be turned back on (I temporarily suspended her cell phone line which is on my cell phone account after her pissant friends used it to call me and threaten to beat my ass), her mother's phone number will be changed (her mother's phone is also on my account), Cliff and I will not accept calls from her, we will not visit her or bring her mother to visit her or allow her mother to borrow the car and go visit her, she will not be welcome in our house, she will be out of the handfasting ceremony (right now she's my third attendant because she's Cliff's only sibling), she is CUT THE FUCK OFF from her family.

So after everybody crying and pitching a fit, she's supposed to come home tomorrow and stay for a week and see if we can work something out with her staying here and not living in Waycross.

The drama on Friday almost caused me to miss my daughter's school showcase. (My daughter is in a film and TV production program at a magnet school for the arts.) I made it to the showcase, but just barely. I would have killed Nancy if I'd missed it; I missed the fall one because nobody told me about it (my parents don't seem to think to email me or call me when school stuff is going on, and my daughter herself just recently got it in her head to call me and tell me about stuff like the showcase). My daughter didn't have a chance of having any of her work in the fall showcase anyway; too early in the program, and fall term is when her epilepsy started so she missed a lot of school and didn't get to work on too many of the fall productions. But there was a chance of some of her work being in the spring showcase, although as it turned out other productions were selected, and she was not a happy camper. She said at least two of the productions she worked on were good enough or could have been made good enough in time for the showcase, and they were passed over for productions done by upperclassmen. I tend to agree with her that the showcase should reflect the work of all the students in the department, not just the upperclassmen. The showcase was really good though; the school has very nice, nearly top-of-the-line equipment for the kids to work with, and they select really creative and bright kids to be in the program. One of the featured prodcutions was a documentary about people with muscular dystrophy, and it was very well done, co-directed by a student with MD. My daughter has decided that next year, she's doing an independent documentary (encouraged by the faculty) on epilepsy, since she is epileptic. I bet that makes it into one of the showcases. I hope it does, anyway.

Anyway, back to my house. Nancy is supposed to come home tomorrow to stay for at least a week. Her friends think that Cliff and I will be gone at an SCA event, which we were going to do but we decided against due to gas prices and my not trusting Nancy's friends not to pull some stupid shit at our house while we're not here. Supposedly only the boyfriend's mother (who for some crazy reason is living in Waycross, GA, but still working in Jacksonville, FL, over an hour's drive) is driving Nancy down and dropping her and her stuff off; we shall see what happens, I guess. Cliff thinks something is up because Dixie (their mother) was on the phone with Nancy and confirmed with Cliff that we would be gone, so Cliff and I have been lying to Dixie all day about planning to day-trip the SCA event when we've already decided not to go. I don't like lying to Dixie but I don't trust her not to share with Nancy, and I REALLY don't trust Nancy's friends in Waycross. I don't much trust the boyfriend's mother either, if her son is any indication of what she might be like. I'll just tell Dixie tomorrow that I spent too much on groceries for us to be able to afford to go.

Nancy seems to have really shitty taste in friends. The only one of her friends I can stand is Jon, who lives here in the neighborhood and the only thing he does to even mildly annoy me is that he eats supper with us an awful lot. It makes me think nobody cooks at his house or something. But I usually cook enough for six or so, because I like to have leftovers for Cliff's work lunches, so there's usually enough for company. And that's only mildly irritating. Other than that, he's intelligent and polite and cleans up after himself and is generally a good guest. Rebecca is as annoying as Nancy; neither of them know how to shut the fuck up. I swear they both talk from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep. And Rebecca's younger cousin who lives with her and her grandmother has in the past transmitted lice to Nancy, who then transmitted them to me, so that REALLY pissed me off. (I have ass-length thick reddish brown hair that I'm rather vain of, and it pissed me off to have to lice-treat it with harsh chemicals when I generally baby it.) Christy brought lice into the house as well, although nobody in our house caught them but I still had to lice-spray my couch as a precaution and nitpick everybody's heads to make sure we hadn't caught lice. Josh is Nancy's ex-boyfriend, and he's all right but has an annoying voice and tends to interrupt people. And Leslie is the pissant little bitch in Waycross who used to live out toward the beach. She's disrespectful and arrogant and every time Nancy visits her (even when they lived here in town, just out toward the beach on the other side of town), there's always a bunch of bullshit about Nancy coming back home when she's expected home. When Duncan (Leslie's boyfriend) threatened Cliff and then Leslie threatened me, that was just the last straw with them.

I'm very tired of all this bullshit drama. It's so high school. I think my daughter would say it's even too immature for high school.

I will say this much. If the car bearing Nancy pulls into the drive tomorrow with more than an older lady and Nancy in it, I'm calling the cops before they even get out of the car. I will call 911 and say that I made a report of a threatening phone call on Thursday and that the people who made the call just pulled up in my driveway and would they please send out an officer. I am through playing games with these pissant motherfuckers.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I haven't slept worth a damn for the last two nights.

Today is the adoption hearing. Today I officially lose my baby to my parents. I already signed the papers consenting to the adoption, but part of me is still screaming, "She's my baby, you can't have her!" Mind you, my baby is fifteen years old and the adoption was her idea in case something ever happens to me.

I'm supposed to be at the hearing, and I should go because I need to ask my mom for a little bit of gas money; what I've got in the tank isn't going to make it until Friday, because I've got to pick up Cliff from work in the morning (mercifully not a long trip), go to the disability lawyer's office on the other freaking side of town to do some paperwork for my disability, and get Cliff to and from work on Thursday. If it weren't for the lawyer's office thing, I probably wouldn't need to bum gas money off my mom, but I've got to go do that paperwork; the sooner I get it done, the sooner I'll have my hearing and hopefully my disability payments.

I keep telling myself that the adoption is the best thing for her; she gets the legal security of being my parents' child rather than the limbo of being mine. And my parents have raised her more than I have; it's only fair that she should bear their name and not her father's.

But there's that part of me that wants to hold on to her and never let her go for any reason at all.

Sometimes the hardest thing about being a mother is knowing when to let your baby bird fly.

Med change

Nov. 8th, 2007 02:35 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I got denied for the help from the medication manufacturer for my Geodon. Apparently we make too much money.

So my doctor is going to change my med; I'm a little worried because med changes usually mess me up for at least a few days.

In other news, my daughter is on homebound from school because she's having seizures. She's seeing a neurologist and hopefully we'll get it all figured out soon.

Sorry it's been so long since I updated.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I just came back from an appointment with my therapist. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and then on Thursday I have to meet my mother at the lawyer's office about the adoption.

My therapist (and my boyfriend) want me to start going to a support group (or more than one). I left a message about one support group with its coordinator; we'll see if she calls me back. This is a therapy group for women survivors of childhood trauma, which probably would do me some good.

I miss my old support group in Charleston; I miss my Monday night ladies. I don't know if another support group will ever measure up to them.

I feel scared and alone and I don't know what to do. I don't feel like anybody else in the world knows how I feel, and I don't know how to make anyone else understand.

According to my mother, the lawyer has found my ex-husband and will be able to serve papers on him about the adoption. I hope he doesn't come to court. I don't want to see him; I don't even want to think about him.
azdesertrose: (Default)
My parents want to adopt my daughter. It was my daughter's idea; she's worried about what would happen to her if something happened to me.

In a way, she's right to worry; I go through suicidal phases so often that one of these days, she might have to face the world without me. She's the main reason I haven't committed suicide so far; I don't want to put her through the pain of losing a parent too soon, especially as her father disappeared on us 12 years ago, so my parents and I are all she has for close family.

But these adoption proceedings are scary; I'm going to have to sign her away, and part of me doesn't want to do that even though I know it's in her best interests. I also may have to deal with my ex-husband (her father) again, because he has to sign off on the paperwork too, unless he can't be found. I almost hope he can't be found, because I really don't want to deal with him. Our divorce was acrimonious to say the least, and I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.

I guess I'm just feeling depressed tonight; I'm having a hard time articulating exactly how I feel about all this. To my parents, I've tried to act as if it's all fine with me; they've been her primary caretakers for most of her life.

But damn it, she's still my baby; I don't want to let her go, even to them. But she's more their child than mine; they take care of her, they make sure she has medical care, they do everything because I can't. I feel selfish for thinking all these sorts of things, that she's mine, damn it, because I let her go with them a long time ago, knowing that they could care for her better than I can.

I just feel like a failure all around; I don't have a career, my college degree is sitting around collecting dust, I'm not even working at all, and now my daughter wants my parents instead of me.

My parents have promised that they won't cut me off from her, but how can I know that? How can I know that they won't find out about my more recent psychiatric problems and decide I'm unfit to see her at all?

I'm scared and sad and I don't know what to do about it.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I saw my therapist today, and she thinks that this journal is a good idea. She actually commented to a couple of my entries, I noticed, except that she doesn't want to say anything too major because of confidentiality. I can understand that, but I like that she commented that she'd seen my entries and wanted to talk about the issues I discussed. It makes me feel like maybe there is some hope for me after all, that someone can finally see into my head (the things that I hide that need to be taken out of the dark), and that maybe all these demons will finally die.

On a lighter note, my daughter had her Christmas concert at school today; she and her friend Taylor sang "Breath of Heaven" (which I sang backing vocals on during a Singing Christmas Tree when I still lived in Charleston). That is a HIDEOUSLY difficult song and they did such a good job; they had some people in the audience in tears.

Breath of Heaven lyrics )

Gorgeous song, but HARD to sing. OMG is that sucker difficult to do.

The whole Royal T Musical Theatre troupe (of which my daughter is a founding member) sang "The 12 Groovy Days of Christmas" (which is "The 12 Days of Christmas" 1970's style and is absolutely hilarious). It was really a cute concert, and the kids did so well.

Tomorrow I have to do my daughter's hair for her, as she's my mom's "date" for her work Christmas party. She's going to look so pretty, in her green dress, and I'll make sure her hair is as elegant as the dress. Mom may be borrowing one of my velvet jackets to wear over her dress, since she doesn't really have anything to keep her shoulders warm should she need it.

I saw my psychiatric nurse practitioner yesterday, and she's taking me off the Prozac and putting me on Celexa. We shall see how that does, I suppose.

I'm starting to get tired now, so I think I'll stop.
azdesertrose: (Default)
One of my friends offered tickets to a Pops concert to my daughter and me, so we took him up on it.

The concert was last night, and we had a wonderful time. Sometimes I forget just how much I just plain like my kid. She's good company; she's fun, she can carry on an intelligent conversation, and she's just plain cool like that.

I love her because she's my daughter, but I like her too. Sometimes there's no one else whose company I'd rather have.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I finally managed to make myself call the sliding scale clinic. I have an appointment on Thursday at 9am. We'll see if it helps: not holding my breath on that count though.

For the last several days I've been having horrendous nausea, and I'm not sure why. I would have thought that if the med was going to do this, it would have happened sooner, not when I've been on it for almost two weeks. Bleah, though.

I also finally managed to talk to the one close friend who didn't know what's been going on with me. (He lives in England, and I live in Florida, so it's entirely possible for him not to know.) I was kind of afraid he'd be mad at me or something; I don't really know why I felt that way. He said he was glad I'm on meds again, and he apparently has more to say but wasn't feeling well (recovering from a food-allergy reaction) and will say more later. He did also say to me in IM today that he would help me pay for my meds if I need him to; he's made that offer before, but until now I had no way to get a prescription. We shall see, I suppose.

I'm saying "we'll see" about a lot of things right now. I don't suppose my current emotional state is a very good place from which to make decisions anyway.

I still feel suicidal sometimes; I still feel hopeless most of the time, like there is nothing I or anyone else can do to make myself well. But Cliff keeps reminding me that I promised to let him try to help, and keeps reminding me that I promised not to commit suicide. I don't know if I can keep that promise forever though.

I can keep it through the end of this week, I think. This time I promised until Monday.

I'm planning to take my daughter to a Good Friday performance of the St. Matthew Passion. (No, I'm not Christian, I'm not very religious at all, but I LOVE Bach.) Cliff is going to go with us, and maybe another friend or two.

That's all.


azdesertrose: (Default)

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