(no subject)

[azdesertrose]

My parents want to adopt my daughter. It was my daughter's idea; she's worried about what would happen to her if something happened to me.

In a way, she's right to worry; I go through suicidal phases so often that one of these days, she might have to face the world without me. She's the main reason I haven't committed suicide so far; I don't want to put her through the pain of losing a parent too soon, especially as her father disappeared on us 12 years ago, so my parents and I are all she has for close family.

But these adoption proceedings are scary; I'm going to have to sign her away, and part of me doesn't want to do that even though I know it's in her best interests. I also may have to deal with my ex-husband (her father) again, because he has to sign off on the paperwork too, unless he can't be found. I almost hope he can't be found, because I really don't want to deal with him. Our divorce was acrimonious to say the least, and I have no desire to ever see or speak to him again.

I guess I'm just feeling depressed tonight; I'm having a hard time articulating exactly how I feel about all this. To my parents, I've tried to act as if it's all fine with me; they've been her primary caretakers for most of her life.

But damn it, she's still my baby; I don't want to let her go, even to them. But she's more their child than mine; they take care of her, they make sure she has medical care, they do everything because I can't. I feel selfish for thinking all these sorts of things, that she's mine, damn it, because I let her go with them a long time ago, knowing that they could care for her better than I can.

I just feel like a failure all around; I don't have a career, my college degree is sitting around collecting dust, I'm not even working at all, and now my daughter wants my parents instead of me.

My parents have promised that they won't cut me off from her, but how can I know that? How can I know that they won't find out about my more recent psychiatric problems and decide I'm unfit to see her at all?

I'm scared and sad and I don't know what to do about it.

Comments

[ultimaverizon.livejournal.com]

Hang on in there you.

I'm sure your parent's wouldn't cut you off no matter what, surely.

I wish i could take some of your fears for you.

Please hang on for you.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs*

[yehovahyireh.livejournal.com]

That's such a hard situation to face. I can't even imagine what I would do if I had to face that. I know you're hurting. I can't offer any advice or anything like that, but I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs*

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs*