(no subject)

[azdesertrose]

I finally managed to get the words out to my boyfriend about my plans to commit suicide. After an extremely long and wildly emotional discussion (in which we slaughtered half a box of Kleenex), he made me promise to check myself into a hospital.

This was the original plan:

My family is expected back from Miami some time today (probably evening, as it's about an 8-hour drive). I was going to spend today looking through my things for the belongings I don't want them to find and figure out whom I DO trust with such things and buy boxes to mail said belongings to said trustworthy people. I was going to see my family tonight and some tomorrow, and then on Monday I was going to drive far enough away (maybe St. Augustine), mail the packages and apology letters, check into a motel, and overdose.

My boyfriend made me promise that I'd change the Monday plan, to check myself into a hospital and tell the doctors everything. I promised I would, with the caveat that if they just Baker-Act me for 72 hours and then cut me loose with "go see a psychiatrist" rather than giving me any real help, I was going to go ahead with the original plan.

If I could afford to see a psychiatrist, I'd have done it long since. I have tried everything I could think of to try to get psychiatric help for myself, and I have been rebuffed in every attempt, even called "stupid" once, although at least one of the people I tried to get help (different agency from the "stupid" place) from sounded sorry that she couldn't help me.

I have fought this battle for too long. I have been hospitalized before, and aside from getting me a decent psychiatrist (when I had medical insurance and some way to pay for said services), the experience of hospitalization is not particularly helpful to my way of thinking. I am tired of always coming back to this place, and this place always comes back. It never goes away; I don't believe it ever will go away, but I made a promise to my boyfriend to try one last time to get help.

If they don't give me some real help, like some way to be able to get therapy/medications on a regular basis, it's over with me. I have tried as hard as I can, and I just can't fight any more.

Comments

[yehovahyireh.livejournal.com]

I hope you get some help in the hospital. I really do. I really don't know what else to say. "Please don't kill yourself" sounds completely trite and "I understand" even more so. I just wish there were something I could do to help you. Not that I'm into fixing people. I'm not. I know this thing can't be fixed. I'm sorry that you've lost all hope for living. I can't say I haven't been there before. I'm there on a regular basis. Sometimes, I don't know what keeps me going, except for the fact that I'm too chicken really to take my own life. Although, sometimes, I think about it more seriously than other times (as in actually make a plan and whatnot).
One last thing and I realize you may think it's stupid, but have you ever tried calling RAINN? Here's their number just in case you want to try it: 1-800-656-HOPE . I can't say that I hope you don't kill yourself. I really do hope that you don't. I can't control your actions; however. No one can except you. You can call me or email me anytime and I'm not just saying that. My email addy is: yehovahyireh@yahoo.com and my phone #: 501-349-3456. I realize it would be strange talking to someone you only know from lj, but if you don't have anyone else to talk to, please, please call me.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

During the long emo conversation, my boyfriend started trying to blame himself for not being able to make me well. I told him that it's not his fault I feel this way. It's not really anyone's fault any more; maybe some blame could be laid at my father's feet, maybe a bit at my ex-husband's, but no one can do anything about my feelings, not even me any more.

Thanks for wanting to help.