(no subject)
Mar. 25th, 2006 08:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azdesertroseI finally managed to get the words out to my boyfriend about my plans to commit suicide. After an extremely long and wildly emotional discussion (in which we slaughtered half a box of Kleenex), he made me promise to check myself into a hospital.
This was the original plan:
My family is expected back from Miami some time today (probably evening, as it's about an 8-hour drive). I was going to spend today looking through my things for the belongings I don't want them to find and figure out whom I DO trust with such things and buy boxes to mail said belongings to said trustworthy people. I was going to see my family tonight and some tomorrow, and then on Monday I was going to drive far enough away (maybe St. Augustine), mail the packages and apology letters, check into a motel, and overdose.
My boyfriend made me promise that I'd change the Monday plan, to check myself into a hospital and tell the doctors everything. I promised I would, with the caveat that if they just Baker-Act me for 72 hours and then cut me loose with "go see a psychiatrist" rather than giving me any real help, I was going to go ahead with the original plan.
If I could afford to see a psychiatrist, I'd have done it long since. I have tried everything I could think of to try to get psychiatric help for myself, and I have been rebuffed in every attempt, even called "stupid" once, although at least one of the people I tried to get help (different agency from the "stupid" place) from sounded sorry that she couldn't help me.
I have fought this battle for too long. I have been hospitalized before, and aside from getting me a decent psychiatrist (when I had medical insurance and some way to pay for said services), the experience of hospitalization is not particularly helpful to my way of thinking. I am tired of always coming back to this place, and this place always comes back. It never goes away; I don't believe it ever will go away, but I made a promise to my boyfriend to try one last time to get help.
If they don't give me some real help, like some way to be able to get therapy/medications on a regular basis, it's over with me. I have tried as hard as I can, and I just can't fight any more.
This was the original plan:
My family is expected back from Miami some time today (probably evening, as it's about an 8-hour drive). I was going to spend today looking through my things for the belongings I don't want them to find and figure out whom I DO trust with such things and buy boxes to mail said belongings to said trustworthy people. I was going to see my family tonight and some tomorrow, and then on Monday I was going to drive far enough away (maybe St. Augustine), mail the packages and apology letters, check into a motel, and overdose.
My boyfriend made me promise that I'd change the Monday plan, to check myself into a hospital and tell the doctors everything. I promised I would, with the caveat that if they just Baker-Act me for 72 hours and then cut me loose with "go see a psychiatrist" rather than giving me any real help, I was going to go ahead with the original plan.
If I could afford to see a psychiatrist, I'd have done it long since. I have tried everything I could think of to try to get psychiatric help for myself, and I have been rebuffed in every attempt, even called "stupid" once, although at least one of the people I tried to get help (different agency from the "stupid" place) from sounded sorry that she couldn't help me.
I have fought this battle for too long. I have been hospitalized before, and aside from getting me a decent psychiatrist (when I had medical insurance and some way to pay for said services), the experience of hospitalization is not particularly helpful to my way of thinking. I am tired of always coming back to this place, and this place always comes back. It never goes away; I don't believe it ever will go away, but I made a promise to my boyfriend to try one last time to get help.
If they don't give me some real help, like some way to be able to get therapy/medications on a regular basis, it's over with me. I have tried as hard as I can, and I just can't fight any more.
