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azdesertroseI don't know what to do.
I can't figure out if Nicholas loves me or hates me or some fucked-up combination of the two. One minute everything is cool, and the next minute, he's mad at me. Or one minute, he's not speaking to me, and the next he wants to make love with me.
The night I came home from my most recent hospitalization, he met me at the door, opened the door for me but didn't so much as say hello. When I sat down in the computer room, he left. He didn't speak to me all evening. We all three piled in bed together and slept for a few hours. He and I woke up around 5am snuggled together and he wanted to talk, so we got up and went in the living room and talked. Everything seemed like we'd straightened things out between the two of us.
But half the time when he talks to me he seems full of contempt and then sometimes he's so sweet and tender with me. It's very confusing and frustrating.
Around 1 this afternoon, I went to smoke a cigarette and he snatched it out of my hand and said I had to wait until 2. At 2, I went to smoke the cigarette, and he said that he'd changed his mind, that I had to wait until 2:30. At 2:30 I asked to have my cigarette back so I could smoke, and he gave it to me but told me not to speak to him.
I just don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what I do I piss somebody off, usually either Cliff or Nicholas. It really kills my motivation to feel like I can't do anything right. It makes me not want to do anything at all.
I can't figure out if Nicholas loves me or hates me or some fucked-up combination of the two. One minute everything is cool, and the next minute, he's mad at me. Or one minute, he's not speaking to me, and the next he wants to make love with me.
The night I came home from my most recent hospitalization, he met me at the door, opened the door for me but didn't so much as say hello. When I sat down in the computer room, he left. He didn't speak to me all evening. We all three piled in bed together and slept for a few hours. He and I woke up around 5am snuggled together and he wanted to talk, so we got up and went in the living room and talked. Everything seemed like we'd straightened things out between the two of us.
But half the time when he talks to me he seems full of contempt and then sometimes he's so sweet and tender with me. It's very confusing and frustrating.
Around 1 this afternoon, I went to smoke a cigarette and he snatched it out of my hand and said I had to wait until 2. At 2, I went to smoke the cigarette, and he said that he'd changed his mind, that I had to wait until 2:30. At 2:30 I asked to have my cigarette back so I could smoke, and he gave it to me but told me not to speak to him.
I just don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what I do I piss somebody off, usually either Cliff or Nicholas. It really kills my motivation to feel like I can't do anything right. It makes me not want to do anything at all.
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:33 pm (UTC)~a
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 09:03 pm (UTC)So I'll just offer you some *hugs* instead.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 11:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 11:32 pm (UTC)