Ugh.

Cliff seems to be trying to change his mind about kicking me out, but this is about the fifth time he's told me to get out. I can only take being told to fuck off so many times, no matter how much I love somebody.

Basically, the problem is that he's jealous of Nicholas and the time I spend with Nicholas. But what I tried to tell him is that Nicholas actually acts like he's interested in me. Cliff just wants me to be in the same room but not actually talk to me or pay attention to me. Why shouldn't I prefer to be with somebody who actually wants to talk to me?

I'm thinking about not going back on the Invega. Now that I'm over the withdrawals for the most part, I'm not having any hallucinations or paranoia, so I'm wondering why I need to take it.

Nicholas and I are looking at getting an apartment with Aysha, his other young lady. I think it will be better this way.

I still want to cry a lot, but it feels more like grief for something that's over.

The end of a dream

Nicholas is very excited about getting an apartment with Aysha and me.

I hate to be a wet blanket on his excitement, but I'm grieving the end of Cliff's and my relationship. For four and a half years, we've shared each other's lives. We've been through all kinds of things together, and at one point, I really thought we'd get married. I never thought I'd get married again after my first marriage.

I had even bought my engagement ring.

I posted it on craigslist last night, and I have a tentative buyer. As soon as he Paypals me the money, I'm going to ship him the ring.

My beautiful Celtic heart engagement ring with Cliff's and my birthstones in it.

But it doesn't mean anything if we're only going to hurt each other by trying to stay together, and I think that's where we are. I don't think there's any way we can get back to the comfortable, shared love we once had. There's been too much anger and too many "Get out"s.

I still love him and he says he still loves me, but I guess sometimes love just isn't enough.

It's just over.

No words are needed...

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