Grieving what never was

I think I know what triggered all this mess with the body memories and the depression over the abuse.

The father-daughter dance at Jen's wedding.

It was beautiful. Jen so lovely in her absolutely magnificent wedding gown with her beautiful hair freshly hennaed and styled so beautifully and Jen's dad so handsome and distinguished in his Navy dress whites. (He's a retired Master Chief.)

It's something I'll never have. For one thing, with my love life the way it is, I'll never have a traditional wedding. I'm deeply in love with two men, both of whom want to make a lifetime commitment to me. So that may not fly with my family at all.

For another, my own father is completely out of the question insofar as a father-daughter dance, and you can't drag my stepdad onto a dance floor unless he's half lit which he doesn't do any more (he never made a habit of it anyway) since he's been diagnosed as diabetic. (Alcoholic drinks can really fuck up your blood sugar, especially for diabetics.) Mini-me might be able to get him to do the dad stuff when she gets married, but she is much more his darling than I ever was, not that I doubt that he loves me, and not that she doesn't deserve his adoration.

So I think I've been grieving what never was and never could be. My father has never been more than a mean-tempered drunk who abused all four of his children (my brothers bear their scars too), and I don't know if he ever loved any of us.

I tried to love him. I wanted to love my daddy. But you can only waste so much love on someone who doesn't love you back.

Bill is the closest thing I've got to a dad. He's always been there to help me fix my car and bail me out when I've fucked up, and he's done all the dad things. He's been everything I could ever have wanted and then some in a grandfather to my daughter. For a man who never wanted children of his own, he did a damn good job trying to bring me up right and he's done an even better job with Mini-me, who is far less screwed up than I am anyway. We don't agree on everything; I turned out a lot more politically and socially liberal than he's really comfortable with, but he loves me and I love him. I just doubt he'd dance at my highly untraditional wedding.

I just have to be happy with that. I have to find a way to make my peace with what I don't have and be happy with what I do have.

This is the song I'd use for the father-daughter dance, if Bill would do it.

When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later, I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and I prayed that she'd say yes

And then, all of a sudden, oh it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing to a family
Looking back, all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted something more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in

And now, all of a sudden, oh it seems so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing to a family
Looking through the glass, I think about the man that's standing next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

And looking back all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be

One of the world's great dogs

CC. I just took this pic of him.

His real name is Coca Cola Bear because when he was a puppy he looked like the polar bears from the Coke Christmas ads. He is Cliff's darling son. He will be eight years old on New Year's Day, and I'm doing everything in my power to make sure he stays with us for as long as possible.

He is one of the world's great dogs. His only real fault is that he runs like hell when he gets outside off his leash, which scares me because I'm afraid he'll be hit by a car and hurt or killed. He is loving, cuddly, protective, well-behaved, gentle, and compassionate.

He presently has an upset tummy, but he doesn't mess in the house. He let me know that he needed to go out, gave me a minute to put shoes on, took me to his leash, held still while I clicked his leash onto his collar, and half dragged me outside to do his business. I gave him something for the upset tummy and his arthritis medicine (which he loves because it's beef-flavored chewable tablets) and a couple of dog treats.

He hangs out with you when you feel like crap and lets you know with his soulful brown puppy dog eyes that he cares and wants you to feel better.

He's just a great dog.

Writer's Block: Meat Cake

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Rushed my beloved cat Cyrano (who unfortunately got lost when I moved house one time) to the vet because he was twitching and drooling. It turned out he'd managed to open a roach bait trap and get into the poison. I had to give him injections for days, and he was such a good kitty about taking the injections.

I still miss my No-no.

I spoil my pets in general, though. I'll be in the vet's clinic in a minute if something is wrong with one of my furbabies.

My furbabies get plain unseasoned cooked meat for their birthday treats. All of the animals get to share but the birthday pet gets the biggest piece.

The ritual, part 2

Well, I got with Jen and we can use her backyard and she and Rip will help with the ritual, so it's on for tomorrow night.

Any and all healing thoughts/prayers/good juju of whatever sort are greatly appreciated especially around tomorrow evening US Eastern time.

I'll post in detail about the ritual itself after it's done.

The parchment to be burned, with which I wish to banish my father's influence from my life reads:

He raped my body and soul.
He stole my childhood.
He locked me in pain for twenty years.
I banish him from my soul.
I banish him from my body.
I reject the pain and terror he caused me.
I reject the grip he has held on my life.
I reclaim my body in the name of the Deity of Love.
I reclaim my soul in the name of the Deity of Strength.
I reclaim my name in the name of the Deity of Power.
William Linwood Parrish, you no longer have power over me.
I am a woman, the bearer of life, and I banish your destruction.
I am Nora Holland Parrish, and I am stronger than your evil.
I am stronger than your evil.
Selah. Amen.


I wrote it out on parchment paper that I was given at an SCA event; I used my second finest calligraphy point (the finest one is for copperplate and it's hard to manage). It's not beautiful or perfect. It's just my regular handwriting, as legible as I can make it working with a dip pen.

It's just going to be a fairly basic pagan ritual. We'll cast the circle, call the quarters, bless the working, then I'll read out the parchment and burn it with a purity candle, meditate, bid farewell to the quarters (most people say "dismiss the quarters" but I find that disrespectful), say a final blessing, and close the circle.

Ideally, I'd like to do it skyclad, but it's November and we're all Floridians and it's just too goddamn cold to be performing an outdoor ritual naked. Ideally I'd have more ritual accoutrements but we'll just work with what we've got.

Okay, having been a total post whore today...

I'm going to bed. I'm absolutely exhausted, physically and emotionally, and I need to be in a better state of mind for tomorrow's ritual. I need to be rested at the very least.