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Feb. 20th, 2008 11:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azdesertroseI probably should be in the hospital. I cried off and on all day and night yesterday; I finally went to sleep around two am after crying for hours. All I can think about is ways to kill myself. My bottle of Klonopin is nice and full and it promises peace and the end to all my pain. My razor blade is nice and sharp but I don't have the balls to cut deep enough to open an artery.
I'm just so tired of fighting. This illness is bigger than I am; it's more than I can take.
My counselor wants me to find another counselor because she feels like the center that she works through doesn't have enough services for me. I tried the Women's Center but they think I'm too crazy, basically. They say their services are limited and they can't handle someone as disturbed as I am, what with the schizoaffective disorder and the suicidal thoughts. So I've been playing telephone tag with Jewish Community Services trying to get on with them, but they're on the other side of town and I worry about having the gas to get over there.
We're just barely making it financially. We're a month behind on all the bills, and we've been living on cheap food for a month and a half. And yet our income is too high to qualify me for help with my medications. I can't get my meds except through my doctor and she can't give me samples forever.
I feel like I'm stretching out, reaching, begging for help and all the doors are being slammed in my face. No one seems to want to help me, no matter how hard I try.
It all just makes me want to take all my Klonopin at once and end it all. Just make it all stop, the nightmares, the hallucinations, the constant thoughts of suicide. Just make it all stop.
I'm just so tired of fighting. This illness is bigger than I am; it's more than I can take.
My counselor wants me to find another counselor because she feels like the center that she works through doesn't have enough services for me. I tried the Women's Center but they think I'm too crazy, basically. They say their services are limited and they can't handle someone as disturbed as I am, what with the schizoaffective disorder and the suicidal thoughts. So I've been playing telephone tag with Jewish Community Services trying to get on with them, but they're on the other side of town and I worry about having the gas to get over there.
We're just barely making it financially. We're a month behind on all the bills, and we've been living on cheap food for a month and a half. And yet our income is too high to qualify me for help with my medications. I can't get my meds except through my doctor and she can't give me samples forever.
I feel like I'm stretching out, reaching, begging for help and all the doors are being slammed in my face. No one seems to want to help me, no matter how hard I try.
It all just makes me want to take all my Klonopin at once and end it all. Just make it all stop, the nightmares, the hallucinations, the constant thoughts of suicide. Just make it all stop.
