(no subject)

[azdesertrose]

Days like today I feel like there is no way I'll ever be okay.

There is no time in my life when I was okay, really. Everything was messed up from the beginning, as near as I can tell.

My medications don't seem to be working. I still see shadows and bugs and I feel things crawling on me, and I hear things sometimes, just noises or whatever that no one else hears, and I feel terribly afraid of everything all the time.

Today was bad.

Nancy took the dog out and the damn dog slipped the leash, so Cliff was mad at her for not keeping the leash tight enough and letting him escape, and then she was stupid enough to get into a car with a random guy who claimed to be looking for a lost animal as well. My gods, the girl is nineteen years old and doesn't know better than to get into a car with a stranger?!?!

I felt like cutting today, and/or killing myself, just to make it all stop. I'm so tired of the fears and the memories and just all of it.

I won't do it though; I promised Cliff that I wouldn't, and he promised in return not to let me go back into a bad place like 20th St.

But it doesn't mean I don't feel like it.