azdesertrose | (no subject)

My boyfriend got drunk tonight. His birthday is tomorrow, and he was celebrating a little early.

Now, let me say that I don't have a huge problem with people drinking. I drink, though not terribly often, mostly at social gatherings. I hate beer, because I don't like the taste. But I'll drink the hell out of hard cider, or a nice rum and Coke, and I like my occasional glass of Jamison's to sip, especially on St. Paddy's Day, and lasagna without a good Chianti is missing half the fun. *grin*

But my dad was almost always drunk when he molested and raped me. Dad was a beer drinker, which is probably another reason I despise beer. I also can't drink Kahlua (except in a mudslide) because for some odd reason he went on a Kahlua kick and I kept having to clean up vomited Kahlua (and I don't like coffee or coffee flavors that much anyway).

This is the first time in my relationship (we've been together almost two years, known each other for a few years before we got together) with my boyfriend that he's been drunk and I haven't.

He also comes from a family with alcohol issues, and is also pretty careful about it. It's been months since he has done more than gotten a good buzz.

I suppose because every other time he's been drunk, I've been drunk too, this problem hasn't popped up before now.

Normally we're kind of cuddly people, and we're both silly drunks. Neither of us are hard to manage; it's easy to make us give up the car keys (as a matter of fact, I usually volunteer the car keys as soon as I'm past the "good buzz" level) or go to the bathroom or go lie down.

And when we drink, we do it amongst friends who will watch out for us.

But tonight, the boyfriend was drinking beer, and I could smell it on him. He wanted to touch and kiss me (which is normal, as I said earlier, we're kind of cuddly), but I had a hard time dealing with the smell of beer on his breath.

He drank too much too fast on an empty stomach, and got to the point of getting sick pretty quickly; after he got it out of his system and went to bed, he wanted to me to cuddle with him. But again, I could smell the beer breath, and I had a very hard time not just dissociating.

I got out of bed on the pretense of needing to use the bathroom, and went outside for a while, where a neighbor and a friend were screwing around with their acoustic guitars and talking (quietly), and I sat down with them and talked music and distracted myself.

I'm tired, and I'd like to go to bed, but I don't know if I can sleep in the bed with him tonight.

I can't drive up to my parents' house and sleep there tonight because I don't have enough gas/petrol in my car and won't have money to put any in my car until tomorrow afternoon when my boyfriend gets paid.

I intend to talk to him about it in the morning, but I didn't see the point in addressing the issue tonight, with him still none too sober. I know he'll be upset and very sorry that he (even inadvertently) caused this kind of problem for me.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that sometimes I do sexual things with him when I really don't want to, because he wants it. He got horribly upset, because he realized immediately that I'd tried to tell him I didn't really want to do (insert sexual activity here) and then given in because he kept on me about it. I had to take quite a lot of time to convince him that he wasn't a horrible person (he said he was just as bad as my dad and my ex-husband for doing that), and ever since, if I say or indicate that I don't feel like doing anything sexual, we don't.

It's just weird that it's causing a problem right now. I suppose it's like I said above, it's the first time in our relationship that he's been drunk when I wasn't.

It's just that beer breath is triggering for me, I suppose, and now I'm all wound up but tired, and I can't really talk to anyone else. Everyone's asleep, and the battery on my phone is low anyway.

And to add insult to injury, he is the first man I've ever dated or slept with that bore any resemblance whatsoever to my dad. He's considerably shorter than my dad, but has the same color eyes, eyebrows, and lashes (but lighter hair), and is somewhat similarly built. Almost everyone else I've ever dated was slender, both because I find that physically attractive and because it doesn't trigger me and probably because I'm fairly sure I can fight off a slim man if I have to. (I'm not a small woman; I'm 5'9"/175 cm and my lightest adult was 165 lbs/75 kg.)

I've had a few moments with him when I had to make myself look at his face and remind myself that it was him, and not my dad.

But this is the man who held me during the worst panic attack of my life, who took care of me during the days after when I was so out of it; this is the man who made me seek help rather than committing suicide. This is the man who is paying for the help, who said he'd work seven days a week if that's what it takes to get help for me. This is the man who holds me when I need to cry, who loves me even when I'm at my most irrational.

But when I smelled that beer breath, it was like I was 11 years old again, on that floor, with my father beside me instead of a man I chose, who loves me.

Sorry for rambling. I know this probably didn't make much sense, but sometimes I have to write so I can think (which probably also doesn't make much sense, but oh well). Thanks for listening.

Cross posted to