Another rough night

[azdesertrose]

After trying for a while to sleep, I got up and came to mess with the computer. It's a distraction, anyway.

I was reading where I'd cross posted my last two entries to dnward_spiral, and someone made a comment that anyone who's been suicidal often enough has heard half a zillion times, to the general effect of "your loved ones need you alive" but added something new, to the effect of "you have to want to live for yourself" that staying alive for others only works for so long.

I think that's the problem. I've been staying alive because other people need me (or at least expect me to do things for them). I've felt for the last several months, off and on, that I'm coming to the end of my road.

This sounds weird, but I've often wondered if I'd live past 30. I've often thought that this year, the year I'm 30 (which, if you want to be pedantic, and I certainly can be, is actually my thirty-first year on the planet), was going to be my last. It's sure shaping up that way.

I've been round and round with depression for so many years, and I always end up in this place. My parents are tired of having to help me financially; because of the depression and various medical issues, I can't keep a job anymore. They're about to retire, Mom in July and my stepdad at the end of this year. I can't see a psychiatrist because I can't afford it. I don't qualify for Medicaid because my daughter is on my parents' medical insurance (I signed over power of attorney to them after my divorce from her father, so she would have good medical care). I tried to apply for another medical public assistance program, run by the county (Medicaid is a state-run program) and they belittled me for refusing to rescind the power of attorney and refused to even complete my application; but rescinding the power of attorney is not in my daughter's best interest, for one thing, and for another, my parents wouldn't let me if I tried.

I've spent the last year and a half or so in more or less constant abdominal pain for reasons no one can figure out, although I suspect it's a combination of gynecological problems (which I've had quite a few of), digestive issues (which I've had ever since I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago), and depression/anxiety.

I just feel that whatever potential I may have had to be a worthwhile person burnt out years ago, and that there's nothing left here but physical pain and mental anguish.

Part of me says I should call a crisis line or something, but all they're going to do is try to talk me out of my own emotions. There won't be any real help, in terms of making the pain stop or making me want to keep living.

I can't even say any of this out loud anyway. I tried to tell my boyfriend last night; he was outside in the courtyard at a communal St. Paddy's Day gathering, while I lay in bed composing the notes to various people. I tried to tell him, but I just couldn't get the words out of my mouth.

I tried to tell my best friend tonight too; we were supposed to do something tonight (we weren't sure exactly what) as a belated 21st birthday celebration for her (her birthday was last weekend) but all we did was go eat supper. She was tired from working all day, and I just felt so bad, much as I tried to hide it.

And the other person I considered a very close friend jumped my case for not having been available on IM for the last several weeks. (This person lives in Europe and I live in the USA, so IM is the easiest way for us to communicate.)

I'm up at my parents' house now, minding their cats while they're in Miami for a week. I'm staying out the week here, because I promised to take care of the cats, and the elder cat has hyperthyroidism and must be medicated morning and night else her heart go into overdrive (which is fatal, though probably not a particularly fast death).

But as I lay trying to sleep, I kept envisioning driving somewhere far enough away that no one who knows me will find me and either finagling a way to pipe my exhaust into the cabin of my car or checking into a hotel and taking a great lot of sleeping pills. I'm leaning more toward the sleeping pill thing; I'm not mechanically gifted enough to do the car thing. I couldn't sleep for the thoughts. I tried to tell it to shut up and let me sleep, that I'd do it once my family is back to take care of the cats. But it wouldn't shut up.

It never shuts up. Sometimes it's only a whisper, but it's never completely silent.

Comments

[yehovahyireh.livejournal.com]

I've been up and down since about 3:30am. I seem to always wake up sometime between 3:00am and 5:00am and then can't go back to sleep for several hours. I hope you get some sleep.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

At this point, given that it's 8am my time, I'm just going to stay up until late afternoon or evening.

In slightly better news, the person who jumped my case for my IM absence seems to have forgiven me and is behaving normally. Maybe I can manage to tell him how bad things are in my head, since I can type to him. I don't actually have to speak.