Well, I made it through the night, anyway

[azdesertrose]

But I spent a lot of my night planning the letters of apology and trying to figure out a way to die that would not be too painful and a place to die that would mean I'd be found while I'm still identifiable but not found by my family or anyone close.

The one letter of apology that gave me the most trouble was to my daughter. How do I apologize to her for this? But it just seems to me that no matter what I do, I'm scarring her and hurting her.

No matter what I do, I'm hurting everyone. This is the only way to make it all stop.

Comments

[yehovahyireh.livejournal.com]

I know too well how you feel. It seems like the depression is some sort of sick joke because sometimes you feel great and you think, "Wow, maybe I'm getting better." Then, you go so far down as to wonder why you ever thought that in the first place. I get so angry sometimes that I can't control my depression. The only thing that helps me when I'm there, at the point where I've lost all my hope, is to pray. I know it sounds cheesy, but it helps me. I also read Scripture aloud. It makes me sound like a crazy person to anyone who might be listening (mainly my dad), but anymore I just don't care. My grip on what sanity I feel I have is more important than my dad thinking I'm a nutbar. I'm going to pray for you and your daughter. I hope you don't mind.

[desertrosedark.livejournal.com]

You've offered to pray for me before, and though I'm not a Christian for reasons I won't get into here, I'll take all the help I can get. At worst, you're generating positive thoughts for me, and I can certainly use that.