azdesertrose | (no subject)

My sleep schedule is still buggered up.

And if I weren't going to my mom's house tomorrow to spend a week in blessed solitude with the cats while my parents are in Miami for a week with my daughter, I would be looking for a way out tonight.

I just can't see any way that I'm ever going to be any different than I am, sick and exhausted, tied up in a mix of depression and physical illness that is so intertwined now that I've no idea where one starts and the other ends, unable to work, not using my degree, unable to pay the insane amount of debt I have, a financial burden on someone no matter what I do. There's no way out. Every time I've pulled out of a depression, I always fall back down, and this one has lasted off and on for almost a year.

And I can't get medical help. I've tried so hard, and no one will help me.

So apparently I'm just not worth saving.

I've been seriously thinking tonight about spending the week at the parental house getting my things in order, finding someplace to hide the things I don't want my parents to know about (like my journals and things, I don't want them to know how bad my mind is, I don't want my daughter to ever know about my hallucinations and rants and things like that), and once they come back, going away someplace and packing it in.

I just can't fight any more. I just can't.

Cross posted to