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azdesertroseI just haven't logged on in a while because I haven't felt like doing anything at all.
I have a project I should be working on, that I promised to do for a friend (it has some benefit for me in it too, possibly involving stable employment by people who understand my medical/emotional issues and won't fire me for missing work). But I just can't make myself do anything.
I'm having to just about force myself to eat most of the time. Food rarely appeals to me any more.
I've been feeling for about 10 days, maybe two weeks, like I'm fighting off a bladder infection; it burns sometimes when I urinate, and sometimes my urine is cloudy. (Unusual for me; I drink enough water to fill a child's paddle-pool, so my urine is usually a clear pale yellow or almost entirely clear.)
So I've been REALLY pushing myself to drink even more water and cranberry juice (I've killed a gallon of cranberry juice in about three or four days). It seems to be helping, but it's a pain in the neck to be going to the bathroom this much.
I also feel like I might be fighting a cold or ear infection or something. My left ear feels full of gunk, and I'm congested. But I'm used to being congested; I live in Florida, which is allergy hell.
And I just have no energy at all. It's an effort to get out of bed, and an effort to get dressed or bathe or do anything at all.
I look at my wrists sometimes and I draw lines on them with my nails, as if I would cut them open. But (probably fortunately) there is no place for me to do that without being caught.
I think of leaving some other way, an overdose or some other sort of poisoning.
I think of leaving without dying, packing up everything and just going somewhere else, leaving everyone in my current life behind.
But I couldn't do that to my daughter, and there are at least two friendships I don't want to leave behind.
I just wish there were some way that I could feel okay.
But I only seem to feel okay for short periods of time.
I have a project I should be working on, that I promised to do for a friend (it has some benefit for me in it too, possibly involving stable employment by people who understand my medical/emotional issues and won't fire me for missing work). But I just can't make myself do anything.
I'm having to just about force myself to eat most of the time. Food rarely appeals to me any more.
I've been feeling for about 10 days, maybe two weeks, like I'm fighting off a bladder infection; it burns sometimes when I urinate, and sometimes my urine is cloudy. (Unusual for me; I drink enough water to fill a child's paddle-pool, so my urine is usually a clear pale yellow or almost entirely clear.)
So I've been REALLY pushing myself to drink even more water and cranberry juice (I've killed a gallon of cranberry juice in about three or four days). It seems to be helping, but it's a pain in the neck to be going to the bathroom this much.
I also feel like I might be fighting a cold or ear infection or something. My left ear feels full of gunk, and I'm congested. But I'm used to being congested; I live in Florida, which is allergy hell.
And I just have no energy at all. It's an effort to get out of bed, and an effort to get dressed or bathe or do anything at all.
I look at my wrists sometimes and I draw lines on them with my nails, as if I would cut them open. But (probably fortunately) there is no place for me to do that without being caught.
I think of leaving some other way, an overdose or some other sort of poisoning.
I think of leaving without dying, packing up everything and just going somewhere else, leaving everyone in my current life behind.
But I couldn't do that to my daughter, and there are at least two friendships I don't want to leave behind.
I just wish there were some way that I could feel okay.
But I only seem to feel okay for short periods of time.
