waiting 23 January 2006

[azdesertrose]

suicide is
a permanent solution to a temporary problem
or so they say
but how temporary are some of these problems

when you've spent your life
fighting the same demons
demons that do not die
only sleep for a time

when a day without tears
without panic
without terror
is the best day you can manage

when you know
that the panic and tears and terror
might go away for a time
but will always come back

they wait, those demons
they are patient
cunning in their darkness
brilliant in their deviousness

and these demons fight a war of attrition
they do not attack directly
but they cut your resources
until you have none left

fear is a black sheet
that can cover your eyes
that can twist itself into a rope
and strangle you

tears are a catharsis
and a trap
they can drain your energy
and drown you

panic is the thug of the mind
waiting around corners
to jump up and attack you
steal your day like a mugger steals your wallet

how many times will i walk this path
i've seen these streets too many times
and i'm tired of them
i want to be somewhere else

but this path lives within me
and i can take a holiday from it
but i can never make it go away
it stalks my dreams even during the better times

sometimes i'm surprised i've lived this long
sometimes it amazes me that i've not yet
drowned in my tears or
suffocated in my terror

and sometimes i think it's just waiting
for some other moment
waiting for me to drop my guard
waiting

because suicide is when
the black sheet chokes off all air
suicide is when
the flood of tears drowns you

suicide is when
the mugger sticks a knife in your heart
suicide is when
the demons finally win