waiting 23 January 2006
Jan. 29th, 2006 10:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
suicide is
a permanent solution to a temporary problem
or so they say
but how temporary are some of these problems
when you've spent your life
fighting the same demons
demons that do not die
only sleep for a time
when a day without tears
without panic
without terror
is the best day you can manage
when you know
that the panic and tears and terror
might go away for a time
but will always come back
they wait, those demons
they are patient
cunning in their darkness
brilliant in their deviousness
and these demons fight a war of attrition
they do not attack directly
but they cut your resources
until you have none left
fear is a black sheet
that can cover your eyes
that can twist itself into a rope
and strangle you
tears are a catharsis
and a trap
they can drain your energy
and drown you
panic is the thug of the mind
waiting around corners
to jump up and attack you
steal your day like a mugger steals your wallet
how many times will i walk this path
i've seen these streets too many times
and i'm tired of them
i want to be somewhere else
but this path lives within me
and i can take a holiday from it
but i can never make it go away
it stalks my dreams even during the better times
sometimes i'm surprised i've lived this long
sometimes it amazes me that i've not yet
drowned in my tears or
suffocated in my terror
and sometimes i think it's just waiting
for some other moment
waiting for me to drop my guard
waiting
because suicide is when
the black sheet chokes off all air
suicide is when
the flood of tears drowns you
suicide is when
the mugger sticks a knife in your heart
suicide is when
the demons finally win
a permanent solution to a temporary problem
or so they say
but how temporary are some of these problems
when you've spent your life
fighting the same demons
demons that do not die
only sleep for a time
when a day without tears
without panic
without terror
is the best day you can manage
when you know
that the panic and tears and terror
might go away for a time
but will always come back
they wait, those demons
they are patient
cunning in their darkness
brilliant in their deviousness
and these demons fight a war of attrition
they do not attack directly
but they cut your resources
until you have none left
fear is a black sheet
that can cover your eyes
that can twist itself into a rope
and strangle you
tears are a catharsis
and a trap
they can drain your energy
and drown you
panic is the thug of the mind
waiting around corners
to jump up and attack you
steal your day like a mugger steals your wallet
how many times will i walk this path
i've seen these streets too many times
and i'm tired of them
i want to be somewhere else
but this path lives within me
and i can take a holiday from it
but i can never make it go away
it stalks my dreams even during the better times
sometimes i'm surprised i've lived this long
sometimes it amazes me that i've not yet
drowned in my tears or
suffocated in my terror
and sometimes i think it's just waiting
for some other moment
waiting for me to drop my guard
waiting
because suicide is when
the black sheet chokes off all air
suicide is when
the flood of tears drowns you
suicide is when
the mugger sticks a knife in your heart
suicide is when
the demons finally win