besieged 16 December 2005

[azdesertrose]

this time of year has never been good for me
i am attacked on this side
by horrendous memories
of things that never should have happened
between father and daughter
between husband and wife

and on another side
there are the usual holiday stresses
gift shopping and budgeting and
how to get everyone where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there
it makes me want to tear my hair out and scream obscenities

and on another side
there are the others in my life
one who is upset because i've closed my doors to him
one who seems to be attacking me at every turn
one whom i rarely manage to see any more because
life is pulling us apart

it seems i always return to this place
the place where i want to curl up in a ball
and hide forever
the place where i want to tell everyone to just go away
the place where i want to scream hideous angry words
the place where i want to cry endless torrents of tears
and the only way to get away from this place
is to leave everything behind
to close my eyes forever
to surrender to the siege