Many Years of Poems

I really need to comb out and wash my hair, but I feel very lazy today. I don't want to do anything but sit in front of the computer and screw around.

Still sort of wondering when the Paxil is going to make me feel better. I'm still depressed.

Worrying over money will do that to me. And add to that the other shit I'm worried about (suicidal friend, meds, etc.) and it just doesn't make for a very happy me.

I did write my suicidal friend an email last night in which I tried to convince him that his problems are not the end of the world and that I love him (in a brother/sister way, not a sexual or romantic way, although he is quite good-looking) and don't want to lose him, especially over money, which is the main problem. I told him that I understand very well what a huge stress it can be to be broke, but it's not worth his life. He's too good to lose over fucking money.

I still feel lazy and lethargic. I am not inspired to do anything today.

I guess I'm still sick.

I've been able to keep down everything I ate and drank today (buttered rice and tea and water), and I had a normal BM a little while ago, so I guess the stomach virus is on its way out.

But I'm cold. I keep going from cold to hot to cold to hot. I can't get comfortable, temperature-wise. I'm currently wrapped up in a blanket at the computer desk. But I wrap up in the blanket and get hot, and throw it off, and then get cold again.

I also feel generally shitty. Just tired and stuff. But I'm sitting up on the computer messing around and chatting and stuff because I know if I went to bed, I'd just lie there and be depressed. I might as well feel shitty and be my version of social, since I don't feel so shitty that I can't be nice.

I also feel less alone when I'm online. I know Mike and Kevin, at the very least, are real friends for all that we've never met in person. Probably Ben (Elim) too. We're still testing each other's waters but there's definitely potential there for a good friendship. And a lot of the other people I chat with are good company. And they don't care if I'm not wearing shoes or a bra, or if I haven't combed my hair in three days.

I really should be taking better care of my hair and stuff. I'll leave my hair in a braid for three or four days and not take it down and comb out the tangles and then I have this mass of tangles where the top of the braid was. Nobody's fault but mine.

Anyway, I guess I'll shut up now.

It's about to storm here. Good, my little citrus tree can use the water. I'm hoping it's a lemon tree, but we're not exactly sure what type of citrus tree it is. It's just a baby tree right now, about four and a half feet tall. But I'm hoping that maybe if we can stay here, we can harvest fresh lemons from it in a few years. I <3 fresh lemon juice in my tea.

Other than that, I'm quite bored. Nobody is on IRC for me to chat with. I'm half tempted to call Mike and find out where he is.

I'm on the laptop, and I just had to reinstall all my programs because the laptop's hard drive got wiped so I lost all my chat programs, and I'm lost without my chat friends.

Bored bored bored.