Writer's Block: Top Dog

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Well, my dog of course! CC is a Labrador Retriever/Staffordshire Bull Terrier mix. Lab mixes seem to make really good pets in general, and CC is made of puppy-dog awesome.

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I feel shaky, physically and emotionally. I'm having to force my hands to stop shaking and type.

Nicholas and I had a talk today; we've both noticed that we've sort of emotionally disconnected from each other.

It's my fault. If I weren't so unstable, I wouldn't have alienated him the way I have.

I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry. I'm fighting urges to cut myself, and the only thing that's kept me from taking a knife out of the kitchen and taking it to my wrist is that I'd get caught because Cliff is in the kitchen cooking supper. Part of me wants to sit out on the back steps and be as cold on the outside as I feel on the inside. (It's pretty cool for Florida right now, and getting cooler as the sun descends.)

I don't want to lose Nicholas, but I'm sort of afraid I already have. He's met someone else, which does not in and of itself perturb me. He shares me with Cliff so why shouldn't I have to share him? What perturbs me is that SHE might not be willing to share him with me, and he might choose (young, pretty, stable) her over crazy old me. I swore when I started this with him that I would not stand in the way of him and happiness, even if it meant losing him to someone younger and prettier and with far less baggage.

Part of me wants so badly to dissociate, just disconnect from everything until I fall asleep and face it all later, but that won't help.

I feel scared and alone and I don't know what to do.