Cliff

I finally nailed down what's been bothering me so much lately.

Cliff's angry behavior is reminding me both of my father and my ex-husband. I feel like I have to be perfect to avoid an angry response, and part of me is illogically afraid he's going to hurt me in some fashion. In some sick way, I almost wish he would just haul off and hit me. At least then, I wouldn't be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I know that's not healthy, and logically I have no desire to be hit, but emotionally it would almost be a relief.

I feel like I'm 10 years old again, trying to manage my father's household for him and stay away from his anger.

I'm spending a lot of time with Nicholas, at least partially because I don't have to walk on eggshells with him, which is probably not helping patch things up with Cliff, but I'm actually feeling afraid to be with Cliff now, and I don't like that dynamic.

I want the old Cliff back. This personality transplant he seems to have undergone reminds me of David, and how he changed after Mini-me was born.

The whole situation is very triggering for me, and it sure as hell is not helping me try to quit smoking.

:(

I feel like I can't cope any more.

No matter what I do, somebody is angry with me. I've mentioned feeling wrong-footed with Cliff all the time, and now Nicholas is mad at me about my smoking.

I feel like I can't calm down at all. Hot baths don't help, the Klonopin only helps if I take three or four of them, smoking helps for a little while.

I just want to give up and quit trying to make anybody happy because I'm constantly failing at it any way.