Better than yesterday

Well, I'm still not feeling wonderful, but I feel better than I did yesterday. I still feel a little like crying or cutting, since I can't seem to cry.

Nicholas and Cliff both held me and comforted me last night. That's something I hadn't counted on as part of this whole polyamory thing, that I would have both of them to hold me when I need to be held and comforted. It felt good to have them both cuddling me and telling me that I was safe and okay.

I really want a cigarette right now, but I just smoked one a little while ago. I shouldn't go smoke again so soon, but I want to.

It really feels like Cliff and Nicholas and I are coming together as a trio, bonding together and taking care of each other, which was what I had hoped for.

How I feel right now, summed up in one song...

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave, leave, don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

My man......
Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough? (to be my man....)
Are you strong enough? (my.....man)

When I've shown you that I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise, I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave

Maybe not so much better than yesterday...

I feel horribly tense. I can feel pain in my vagina, body memories of how my father used to hurt me. I feel like I can't talk.

All I want to do is cry or cut. I really would prefer to cut than to start crying. I would rather bleed than cry.

I wish I could dissociate and just get away from these feelings. Help.

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The urge to cut myself is getting stronger. I thought about checking myself into the hospital but I probably can't do that because people need me at home.

I don't want to move, except to hurt myself. I just want some way to make this pain go away.

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I tried calling helplines and they want to hospitalize me.

I don't want to go to the hospital. I just want the pain to stop.

I feel like if I could just cut myself, it would be better.

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I think I'd better go to the hospital. I can't make myself stop thinking about hurting myself, and now I'm thinking about taking all my Klonopin and making it all stop, so I'd just be better off in the hospital. Back in a few days.

ETA: After four Klonopin and having to do something besides think and remember, I feel a little better. I might still go to the hospital later. We'll see.

Better now

Well, after four Klonopin and a nap curled up in Nicholas' arms, I feel better.

He saw where I scratched my wrist with a knife trying to cut myself, and told me not to do that any more. Cliff will be pissed if/when he sees it. He confiscated my razor blades ages ago to keep me from cutting myself.

Anyway, I feel like I don't really need to go to the hospital at this juncture, so we'll just take it a day at a time and see what happens.