Family aggravations...

I talked to Cliff the other day about how nuts his family drives me.

It turns out they're driving him just as nuts; he just hides it better than I do.

We're both tired of financially supporting them but there's no way around it.

It's been ages since we were able to afford to go out for a coffee or a drink with friends, much less dinner or something. Forget SCA events.

Maybe things will get better once my disability comes through.

(no subject)

I'm feeling very anxious again. I feel lonely and sad. I kept pinching and biting myself in my room so I came to write for a while.

I took my anti-anxiety medicines but nothing seems to calm me down lately. I just feel terrible, frightened and anxious and unable to be calm.

I want to cut myself just to get the pain out, but I don't have anything to cut myself with since Cliff took away my razor blades. The kitchen knives are not sharp enough and I'd get caught if I tried to get one of them to cut myself with.

I can't go anywhere because we have no money; there's no place I can go to escape. The hell is inside me and it goes where I go.

I want to cry but I can't.

I feel like tearing myself apart, like climbing out of my skin. I don't want to be me any more.