Fuck.

As it transpires, the blown head gasket took a lot with it. The engine in my car is so damaged that it is not worth the money to repair it.

Fuck.

My parents are willing to let me have my grandmother's old car, which has been their spare car for the last several years, but this leaves them without a spare car, and I'm not at all keen on being the cause of them not having a third car.

It all makes me feel so useless and worthless and generally full of despair.

I'm closer to a suicide attempt than I have been in many months, but there's no place of safety for me. If I go to the hospital and tell them how I feel, I'll just wind up back in 20th street, which was scary and made me feel worse, not better.

I tried to call my nurse practitioner, but I haven't heard back from her yet. I don't know what to do, except to make it all stop with sleeping pills.

I think I have enough.

If only Cliff weren't so stubborn and would just let me go...