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Nov. 11th, 2006 07:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
azdesertroseI am so tired.
I had a good day today. I went to an SCA event with Cliff and my daughter, and I had a good time. I spent most of the day with the other scribal-type people doing calligraphy, and we left when I got tired.
And boy am I tired.
I was resting in bed trying to go to sleep (yes, this early, because I'm that tired), and I started thinking (again) about killing myself.
Why will these thoughts not leave me alone? It seems like every time I get quiet enough, the thoughts come into my head, talking to me, telling me I should sleep forever.
Sometimes I think that if I do end up killing myself, it will be to get away from the thoughts of killing myself. Ironic, wot?
I'm just writing whatever comes to mind now, trying to empty my brain so that maybe I can sleep. I am way beyond tired; my body is sore from walking and driving. I kept stiffening up while I was driving, and I'm not sure why. I wish to hell Cliff would drive sometimes, but I'm always the one who drives.
Cliff and my daughter napped during the drive there and back; I wish I could have.
Maybe the thoughts are coming because I'm overtired. I don't know. I just wish they would stop.
It just sucks that I had such a nice day and it has to end with these stupid suicidal thoughts. They just won't go the hell away.
I'm going to try to sleep again; I think I'll put on some quiet music to help me sleep. Maybe music will keep the thoughts away.
I had a good day today. I went to an SCA event with Cliff and my daughter, and I had a good time. I spent most of the day with the other scribal-type people doing calligraphy, and we left when I got tired.
And boy am I tired.
I was resting in bed trying to go to sleep (yes, this early, because I'm that tired), and I started thinking (again) about killing myself.
Why will these thoughts not leave me alone? It seems like every time I get quiet enough, the thoughts come into my head, talking to me, telling me I should sleep forever.
Sometimes I think that if I do end up killing myself, it will be to get away from the thoughts of killing myself. Ironic, wot?
I'm just writing whatever comes to mind now, trying to empty my brain so that maybe I can sleep. I am way beyond tired; my body is sore from walking and driving. I kept stiffening up while I was driving, and I'm not sure why. I wish to hell Cliff would drive sometimes, but I'm always the one who drives.
Cliff and my daughter napped during the drive there and back; I wish I could have.
Maybe the thoughts are coming because I'm overtired. I don't know. I just wish they would stop.
It just sucks that I had such a nice day and it has to end with these stupid suicidal thoughts. They just won't go the hell away.
I'm going to try to sleep again; I think I'll put on some quiet music to help me sleep. Maybe music will keep the thoughts away.
