Grrr!

Aug. 28th, 2009 08:54 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've been at Mom's for the last week or so, helping do while she recovers. She's doing quite well; she still tires easily and she still has limited use of her left arm, but she seems to get better every day, which is good to see (and probably a reflection on her general good health).

However, apparently the stress of taking care of my parents' household whilst still being at least partly responsible for the running of my own has gotten to me, as I've got a migraine that has so far lasted for over 40 hours, making it the longest non-drug-induced migraine of my life. (I had some longer ones when I was taking Wellbutrin, but once I stopped the med, the headaches stopped.)

Also, Vocational Rehabilitation called me yesterday. Their psychological evaluator has decided, without ever meeting me, that I am not yet stable enough to return to work, which means that VR won't help me yet. This sucks moldy hoagie rolls. I was fairly well aware that I'm not ready to attempt to work again, but I had hoped at least to attempt to attend school with the intent of training myself for paying work that I can do within the confines of my condition. The program I want to attend is a two-year course of study. I might call them back Monday (assuming the Migraine from Hell has ended) and fuss about that.

Anyway, still alive, still more-or-less functional, and still crazy as hell. :)

Ugh.

May. 17th, 2009 10:53 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm not exactly sick, I don't think.

I'm just tired and I feel crappy.

I've had a little bit of tummy trouble and a little nasal congestion and a slightly runny nose, but nothing too terrible.

I just have no energy and I feel unwell.

In brighter news, supper went over very well. I made apple-cherry glazed pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans, and Nick and Aysha both said that the pork chops especially were really nommy. :)

In somewhat sad news, Little Guy has gone to live with his permanent owner, Eric. Tessa seems to miss him. I think Sweetie Pie is relieved, though, and CC doesn't seem to care one way or the other. I miss the Little Shit, though. He was a rambunctious kitten but funny and sweet. I hope he's happy with Eric and Fat Cat.

And back on the topic of food, I need to get a few things going for tomorrow night's supper. Mercifully, for right now, I just need to wash one of my big cooking pots and start some beans soaking, which will not take long. Then once the beans are cooked, I have to start a pot of chili for tomorrow's chili tamale pie and what chili I don't use for the chili tamale pie, I will use for the smothered baked potatoes later in the week.

Anyway, I'm thinking that maybe the higher dose of the Zoloft is making me feel tired and weird and that maybe once my body gets used to it, I'll feel a little better.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I gave up and went back to the nurse-practitioner who seemed to think I'm bipolar, because I was out of my Zoloft and Klonopin and couldn't find a psychiatric care provider who would accept both Medicare and Medicaid.

She seems to have backed down on the bipolar thing; all she did was raise my Zoloft dosage and she wants to see me back in a month. She said she wants to see my records from my former psych before she does anything too funky with my meds.

So maybe she will work out as a care provider after all. She really is a nice lady.

I threw out my shoulder a couple of days ago and I've been taking "fuzzy drugs" for that, although the pain seems a lot better today than it has been. ("Fuzzy drugs" is a family term for narcotics, mainly, but really any medication that can make you feel a little out of it.)

Anyway, marching on. We shall see how the higher dose of Zoloft affects me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Upon cross-referencing the Medicaid provider book (because Florida apparently hasn't made it into the 21st Century yet, which is to say they do not list Medicaid providers online) and the Medicare provider search function on their website, apparently there is no psychiatric medical care provider in this area who accepts both Medicare and Medicaid. There are only four psychiatrists in Duval County who treat adults (over age 18) and accept Medicaid, and none in Clay County. If you're on Medicaid and need psychiatric care in Clay County, you have to go to the Clay County public mental health facility, which I can't use because I'm not a resident of Clay County.

Somebody suggested that I ask my primary care doctor for a hold-over prescription, at least for my Zoloft, because I am still trying to find a psychiatrist or nurse-practitioner to replace the last nurse-prac who thought I was bipolar. I wish to hell my old psychiatrist took at least Medicare; I liked her.

I tried to get on with River Region Human Services, which is a public health facility, but THEY DON'T TAKE MEDICARE, only Medicaid. What the hell kind of public health facility doesn't take Medicare? Jeez.

In any case, I'm running low on my Zoloft, and I've been taking it every other day instead of every day to try to make my supply last a little longer, but I totally did not think about asking my primary care guy to write me a hold-over script, which he probably would do because he's cool like that.

Hmm.

Mar. 4th, 2009 10:27 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I like the nurse-practitioner. She's very nice.

I think she thinks I'm bipolar, though, which I don't believe I am. She raised my Zoloft dosage, which probably needed to be done, kept my Klonopin where it is, and wants me to start taking Lamictal.

I'm of two minds about that. Nicholas had a very bad experience with Lamictal; he said it made him completely emotionless and he just couldn't stand that (not that I can say as I blame him). Mini-me takes it for her seizures, but I believe her dosage is higher than mine is/will be. I suppose I'll fill the script and take it and if it doesn't help or causes problems, I'll just ask her to back me off it.

She kept asking me about manic episodes; I don't believe I've ever had a manic episode. I was diagnosed as bipolar type II (hypomanic episodes only, no true manic episodes) when I was a teenager but I've had several psychiatrists since then say that I was misdiagnosed.

My back is still killing me, and pain is shooting down both legs, the left worse than the right. I'm considering going to Solantic to see if I can get something for the pain, and then telling my new PCP about it when I see him next week. Driving Cliff to work this morning like to killed me. Working the clutch was extremely painful. The next car is going to be an automatic; I'm getting too old for this manual transmission shit.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Today I see my new psychiatric nurse-practitioner. I hope she's nice. I also hope she doesn't flip her shit when I tell her I weaned myself off my Invega.

I see my new primary care physician next Thursday. I hope he's nice too.

In other news, I've been playing with Nicholas' hair. At my suggestion, he has been growing it out with the intent of dreadlocks. It is now long enough to turn into baby dreads, so we bought little bitty hair ties and dread wax and I've been learning on the job how to twist hair into baby dreads. We sat around in the living room yesterday and watched the first few episodes of season 1 of "The Tudors" while I started my on-the-job learning. About a quarter of his hair is now in little baby dreads-to-be, but some of them I have to redo. We stopped because I had to cook supper.

Supper was quite a success last night, I think. Dixie and Aysha liked it, anyway. Cliff and Nicholas slept rather than eating. Nancy was, as usual of late, out with her friends. I made enchiladas suizas and real Spanish rice, as opposed to the quick-and-dirty RoTel Spanish rice thing I usually make. I was going to make chiles rellenos as well but I got tired of cooking after I'd put the rice and enchiladas together, so I'll do them today or tomorrow. The Anaheim chiles are peeled and seeded and ready to be stuffed, battered, and fried, so really, the hard part is done.

My back has been KILLING me for the last two days. I don't know why. It just hurts. A lot.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Finally, after much fucking around with the Medicare website, which is a pain to use and tends to have bad contact information, I found a p-doc who a) takes Medicare b) I don't owe money to and c) is not a known asshat.

I don't know if I'm still friends with anybody who remembers, but a couple of years ago, I saw a psychiatrist (exactly once) who had the gall to ask me if what my dad did was "just statutory rape" or if I had resisted. I was too shocked to be pissed right at first and then I completely lost my cool. I couldn't believe a PSYCHIATRIST would ask a question like that. He was on the Medicare list. Needless to say, I did not call his office about scheduling an appointment.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse-practitioner on March 3. Hopefully free of asshattery. All I want is someone to monitor my meds. That really should not be too difficult.

I also finally have a primary care physician. I had been hoping to get on with Cliff's PCP, but he doesn't take Medicare. Pity, that. He's a really good doctor, and we like him. Anyway, I have an appointment for a general check-up and to look into the prevalence of skin infections I've had lately on March 12.

Doing laundry today. Great joy. I hate doing laundry, but we've got to have clean underwear and stuff.

Back on meds, I'm still off the Invega, and still doing okay without it. I don't suppose it would be the end of the world to have to go back on an anti-psychotic, but I hope I can stay off. I don't mind the Zoloft and the Klonopin so much, but anti-psychotics are heavy duty stuff. I'm only taking the Klonopin as needed any more anyway.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for a couple of years now, but I found out the last time I saw her that she doesn't take Medicare, and with the economy being what it is, I'd really rather use a doctor who takes my insurance rather than self-paying, as great as Dr. Owusu is.

Well, I found out that the psychiatrist I usually see in the hospital takes Medicare. Okay, fine, I'll start seeing him.

Um. No.

Before my disability kicked in, I was on a charity care program at the hospital, so my hospital bills were taken care of. The doctor's bills were not. I owe the hospital doctor $1800 from hospital stays before my disability came through. Needless to say, I don't have it.

So I have to find another psychiatrist. Shit.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I still feel fairly calm and peaceful.

Cliff is getting over being sick and poor Nicholas has been running a fever all day and sounds like a bullfrog because his throat is sore and his sinuses are all fubar. (He's got a fairly deep voice anyway.)

I've been nagging him to rest and drink lots of fluids because that's about the only thing that really helps a bad cold. I put a hot compress on his head to try to loosen up all the sinus crap but I'm not sure that helped. He's being male and stubborn and wants to sit up with me instead of resting in bed like his sick ass ought to. It's sweet that he wants to be with me, but he should be in bed.

Tomorrow is my therapy appointment, and then Wednesday I have to see my psychiatrist. I'm hoping I can get my psychiatrist to put me back on Zoloft instead of the Paxil. My gyno thinks the Paxil is making me gain weight which I do not by any means need to do. I'm hoping that Patricia (the therapist) is as cool as her bio makes her sound. She called me today to confirm my appointment and I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out her accent. She sounds a bit like a Scotswoman who's been living in the Southern US for a long time. I'll have to ask tomorrow.

I'm a little nervous still about the therapy appointment. I feel a lot better since the ritual but I know I still have work to do.

I'm also nervous about Thanksgiving. I don't really have the money to do the traditional meal here, so if we're going to have turkey, etc. we really have to go up to my parents' house and I still don't know how my parents are going to react to Nicholas. I shouldn't care, but I don't want to alienate what family I have left. Oh well. I guess we just have to wait and see on that one.

I think I'm going to go take a nice warm bath with some lavender oil in it and go to bed. I'm tired from staying up all night last night and not sleeping much today, and if I go to bed, Nicholas will too and rest like his sick behind needs to.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I still feel a little shaky but it's easier to type now.

I started the Paxil this morning, so we'll see how that does.

My back is better and I only get the pain in my legs if I turn wrong, so that's good too.

Just stuff

Jun. 16th, 2008 08:09 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I took the last steroid pill this morning, so I'm done with that. My back still hurts and if I turn wrong I get shooting pain down my left leg, so I'm still popping the Percocets and Darvocets to make it possible to move around like normal.

I'm on day two of the Zyprexa and so far I feel a little tired, weird, and a bit disconnected. I know you have to give these meds a while to work and all but this "new med" phase is a pain in the ass.

Still trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist to see if we can straighten out the Paxil mess. I have enough Cymbalta to get through tomorrow and then I'm out of antidepressants.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So I'm still sore. The pain is mostly in my back now, not my legs, but occasionally I get pain shooting down one leg or the other.

I'm going to have to figure out a way to see a doctor about this and find out exactly what's causing the sciatica, but I'd bet money that I've got a bone spur on my spine. I've got them in my hands and feet, so why not my spine?

The only truly comfortable position for me right now is lying down with my knees curled. My mom told me to sleep on my back with pillows under my knees but that makes the pain worse, so I don't think that's a very good idea. (My mom has a herniated disc in her back so she's no stranger to back pain and back-related leg pain. She had to stop driving the car that's now mine because shifting and working the clutch hurt her leg too much.)

Icing my back still feels wonderful. It numbs the pain. I wish I could do it more often than every four hours, but I was told every four hours, so that's what I'll do.

What amazes me is that the narcotic pain drugs I'm taking are not making me high; usually they make me feel a little loopy even if I'm in pain. (I don't take narcotics if I'm not in a lot of pain.)

CC is keeping me company. I think he knows I'm in pain. Tessa comes and checks on me between naps and feeding her face at the food bowl. Sweetie Pie is also keeping me company, napping in an empty box here in the computer room.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
Okay, so I went to the ER yesterday for the excruciating pain in my left leg.

The ER doctor was very nice, and manipulated my leg around, sent me for an ultrasound to check for clots (no clots, so yay for that), and then manipulated my leg some more and diagnosed me with sciatica.

He gave me a course of steroids to reduce the swelling of the sciatic nerve, told me to ice my lower back for 20 minutes every four hours (which feels WONDERFUL!!), and gave me Percocet for pain (yay for good pain drugs!).

I had to borrow money from my parents to fill the scripts, and they also gave me gas money and money to replace my very bald two back tires, so now my car is happy, I have good drugs, and I'm in MUCH less pain. I'm more sore than in actual pain now. My stepdad also gave me 30 Darvocet that he's not going to use, to supplement the Percocet. I've been taking the Darvocet mostly, and saving the Percocet for the really bad pain, since I only got 15 Percocet.

So now I get to research sciatica and find out if there's anything I can do to make it better, because it's probably not going to go away. Joy.

ETA: Sciatica isn't actually a disease, it's a symptom. So I've probably either got a herniated disc in my lower back or a bone spur from arthritis in my lower back. It will require a spinal xray to confirm that, but I suspect the arthritis. I've already got arthritis in my hands, feet, and knees.

Hospital

Jun. 11th, 2008 12:00 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm having Dixie take me to the ER. I hurt too much. I can barely stand or walk or bear weight on the left leg at all. (Which means no way in hell can I drive myself because the car is a stick shift.)

It's not just the knee any more. Everything from the hip to about two inches below the knee hurts.

And the fact that Lortab didn't even take the edge off it sort of worries me. The pain just keeps getting worse with every passing hour.

Pain

Jun. 11th, 2008 09:43 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff got home from work and let me have one Lortab.

It's not even taking the edge off the pain. My left leg hurts so much right now, I'd like to cry.

I'm exhausted. I kept waking up because of the pain and finally at 3am I gave up on trying to sleep and just got up and came into the computer room.

I'd love to sleep right now but I can't. I hurt too much.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I had a panic attack last night but Cliff calmed me out of it. I actually feel better for just having the damn thing and getting it over with.

I guess sometimes you just need an emotional release.

I really felt like cutting myself but had nothing to do it with.

Cliff says I'm not trying to get better because I'm not exercising or taking walks or anything, but his doctor just got on his case today about his cholesterol, which is on the low side of high, and his "good" cholesterol is lower than they'd like it to be. (All his other labs came back fine.) So we're going to start taking a walk together in the evening after it cools off; put the puppy dog on his leash and take a little walk around the neighborhood together. His doctor wants him to walk, so we'll walk.

We like his new doctor; he's very thorough and listens to what you have to say. He wants Cliff to see a cardiologist because he doesn't like the EKG they did in the office last week, so I have to call the cardiologist and make an appointment to see him/her. He's afraid Cliff has had a mild heart attack and didn't know it. He also wants Cliff to start taking low-dose aspirin and is putting him on a statin to fix the cholesterol problem. He was sufficiently cool to give us this neat little package that includes a coupon for the first prescription free, and $50 off the next two prescriptions, so assuming the coupons and the health insurance can be used together, we won't have to pay for his first three months of the cholesterol med. The doctor is very pro-active; he looks for everything that might possibly be wrong and wants to fix it before it's a big problem. We like this a lot. I also like that he really listens to the patient and pays attention to what they have to say. I think that makes for an effective doctor.

Cliff has to have a sleep study because we suspect he has sleep apnea. We saw the sleep doctor yesterday, and he thinks Cliff may have sleep apnea, so it's not just my imagination that he stops breathing in his sleep.

So things are starting to look up. All I need is the disability to come through and I'll be a much more relaxed person, I think. Much less of a stress ball.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I saw the disability lawyer today, and he took my case. He thinks I have a pretty good chance of getting disability but he warned me that it will take a while to get a hearing, just because SS moves with the speed of a glacier. I'm just glad to know that I'm not lazy or anything, that I have a legitimate claim for disability and that they're just being arseholes about denying me.

In other news, I finally stopped bleeding from the colposcopy and my gyn called me to tell me that the biopsy was negative, so that's all clear, for now anyway.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I called a lawyer about the disability denial, and I'm to see the lawyer on Wednesday.

In other news, the colposcopy went okay; it hurt some, and I'm still bleeding a bit from it, but it wasn't as painful as the last one. I'll hear the results in a week or so.

I bought a book today called New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder; so far it seems like a good overview of the options available for treatment and it seems hopeful. Here goes, I guess.

I'm tired, so I think I'm going to read for a little bit and then go to bed.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, my gyno called me earlier this week. My repeat Pap/cancer smear was slightly abnormal (again), so I have to have another colposcopy, two weeks from tomorrow. They're willing to make payment arrangements with me, so that's not a problem.

But damn it, the last time we went through this, it hurt like hell. I don't want to do it again.

But I have to. I just have to suck it up and do it.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So I've been in the process of applying for disability and yesterday I had to see a psychologist at the disability office's request.

He was very nice, and polite and not condescending at all.

He diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder.

I find that kind of scary. I never thought I had a personality disorder, but the diagnostic criteria fit me, and it wigs me out. I'm apparently not in the "better prognosis" category either, since I also have been diagnosed with PTSD and recurrent major depression. A family history of alcoholism doesn't help much either, although I personally do not drink to excess very often at all because of my dad's alcoholism.

Am I going to spend my entire life in and out of hospitals, in and out of jobs, in and out of life?

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