Closer

[azdesertrose]

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Or, in more human terms, this is JKR's toybox; I'm just playing in it for a while.

Summary: Tonks gets a little aggressive with Remus, and gets a little more than she bargains for, but nothing she doesn't want...

Pairings: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Categories: Plot-What-Plot (PWP)
Notes: Many very special thanks to Richard, for beta reading, Brit-picking, giving me a great deal of insight into the male point of view, and just for being a good friend in general.

The song “Closer” is copyrighted by Nine Inch Nails and was released on the album The Downward Spiral, Halo Records, 1994.

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Setting: The summer after Harry's sixth year, shortly after Dumbledore's funeral.

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you

“You don't want this, Tonks,” I said. “You don't want me. You think you do but you don't. You have no idea—”

She cut me off mid-sentence. “What is so horrible about you? I know you're a werewolf, I know it won't be easy to deal with on a day-to-day, or moon-to-moon, basis.” She paused and grinned at me. “But you can't tell me that you're happy spending your life all alone.” Tonks shook her pink hair and took a deep breath. “Look, it's gonna sound crude, but you're a man, you must have needs.”

“I'm—not good at this,” I stammered. “I was bitten when I was little, long before puberty. So my sexual development—got a little messed up.” It was my turn to draw a breath. “I'm—rough in bed. I don't mean to be, but—the animal part takes over pretty strongly at that point. It's—safer—for everyone, if I just—don't express those needs.”

It's not that I've been around the block that many times. When I saw the nail and tooth marks I left on the first woman I was with, I got to be—well—a bit afraid. I knew I had hurt her, and I knew I couldn't control the intensity inside me. I tried, but every time I feel aroused, I feel ferocious, too. I tried a few more times, with other women, but I can't seem to separate the animal inside from my sexuality. I can keep him out of everything else I do, except when the moon is full, but, regardless of the phase of the moon, I can't keep the beast, the bad part of me, out of my sexual feelings.

She smiled. “It's a chance I'm willing to take; you're important to me, and I trust you.” As she finished the sentence she shrugged off her robe.

Underneath, her body was beautiful. She was—I forced myself to think clinically—not fat, certainly (not many Aurors had a lot of spare flesh), but not too skinny. Very nice, in fact. I pulled myself up short from that thought. She had pleasantly round but not over-generous breasts, presently covered by a rather plain white brassiere with a bit of lace overlay. Her body tapered inward to a trim waist and then curved back out to the smooth, not-too-wide hips of a young woman who has not yet borne children. She wore plain white cotton hipster knickers. She was not a tall woman, and her legs were not particularly long, but well shaped.

Tonks kicked off her sandals and stood before me in nothing but her underwear.

Help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself

He took a deep, ragged breath and clutched the back of a chair. “Nymphadora,” he said firmly. I raised my eyebrows at him; he knew full well how much I hate my first name. If he thought he was going to intimidate me with that, he was very much mistaken.

“Put your robe back on and get out of here. You do not want me. You don't understand. Get out of here while you still can.” His voice was tight, as if he just barely had control of himself.

“What are you so afraid of?” I asked. I didn't move; I just stood there in my underwear and looked at him.

“Please,” he said, still in the tight voice. “Please, get your robe and go.” He pulled in another laboured breath and tightened his hand on the chair back.

“I'm not afraid of you, Remus. I'm not a virgin, and I'm a pretty tough little witch. I—trust you not to hurt me, at least not seriously,” I said, standing as tall as I could and looking him dead in the eyes.

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

She just wouldn't listen. I told her one more time to get her robe and get out, but she wouldn't listen to sense.

I could feel myself churn inside, a frisson that was need, anger, desire and something I couldn't quite name, all rolled into one volatile package. I warned you, I thought to myself and surrendered to the physical longing inside.

I reached for her and pulled her so close to me so suddenly that I think I knocked the wind out of her. I kissed her, hard, a passionate taking of her mouth. After a series of bruising kisses, during which I held her in such a tight embrace that I was sure I had marked her skin, I pushed her away from me.

I stood there for a minute, breathing hard, trying to force myself to calm down. Inside, the initial need had subsided somewhat, but the something else, the thing I couldn't put a name to, stirred, a warmth, a churning.

“Please, Tonks, I'm begging you. Take your robe and go,” I told her. I didn't dare look at her; for one thing, she was too tempting a sight, so scantily covered, and for another, I didn't want to see what I'd done to her. I was sure I'd hurt her already.

She still made no move toward her robe.

You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything

I looked at him, his head down and his chest heaving. Wow, I thought. Is it just the way he is, or do I turn him on that much?

I knew his life hadn't ever been easy. I knew, from listening to Sirius, that before Remus came to school and met Sirius and James and Peter, he hadn't had friends, and Sirius mentioned that Remus was never one for the ladies. My cousin even mentioned that he and James had thought at one point that Remus, well, played for the same side, but he didn't seem to date any boys either.

Is he still a virgin? I wondered. No, no, he couldn't be, not at his age, and if he were still a virgin, he wouldn't know to warn me that he is “rough in bed” as he put it.

Well, you know, not every girl is the cover-the-bed-with-rose-petals-and-play-soft-music-in-the-firelight sort. Some of us like it a little rough.

I stepped to him and pulled him into my arms with every intention of kissing him senseless. I think I succeeded.

Help me tear down my reason, help me it's your sex I can smell
Help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else

When she kissed me, I was shocked into complete stillness for about five seconds.

I just stood there and let her kiss me, amazed by the feeling. It felt like she actually wanted me, like she actually liked how I'd kissed her and held her, like she actually wanted more.

I couldn't believe it; it just wouldn't process in my brain. My insides churned again and the warmth flamed higher. She was in my arms, kissing me with a passion I've never experienced, and it just froze my mind.

However, if my brain didn't know what to do with this lovely young woman in my arms snogging me silly, other parts certainly did.

I wrapped my arms around her again, ferociously, finally returning her kiss. We pushed our tongues into each other's mouths, we bit each other's lips, our teeth collided. I finally came up for air and she went for the side of my neck, nibbling and biting me. I groaned into her hair and slid my hands between us to remove my own robe. Half of me, the part I prefer to think of as my real self, wanted to kiss her, to touch her tenderly, to make love to her, and the other part, the part I hate and fear, wanted to bite her, to growl, to take her.

I pulled her close again and gasped at the feeling of skin on skin. Good lord, it's been a long time since I felt this, I thought, and then rational thought took a holiday.

I kissed her again, nibbling her neck in my turn, still afraid somewhere in the back of my mind that I was going to hurt her, but the noises she was making sure didn't sound like she was in pain. I must be imagining this, she can't be enjoying me this much.

I reached behind her back to unfasten her bra, pulling my chest away from hers to remove the garment. She went for my underwear, pushing them down my hips. Maybe she is enjoying me.

“Kick them off,” she whispered, and I gladly obliged. Merlin knows where they went. I still haven't found them; they're in my room somewhere.

She began running her hands all over my chest, playing with the hair and my nipples. I groaned again and buried my face in her shoulder, biting the rounded muscle there. She gasped and I looked up at her.

“Did it hurt?” I managed. She shook her head “no” and continued touching me, moving down my belly.

I pushed her knickers down. “Your turn to kick 'em off,” I told her, almost growling at the sight of her bare hips; she giggled briefly and obliged, landing them on my dressing table.

I stood there for a moment and took in the sight of her naked, her breasts moving with her excited breathing, her neat patch of curls, dark against pale flesh, flesh, flesh. I groaned and a wave of animal lust swept through me, before I could stop, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her roughly onto my bed.

I wanted to mount her, there, then, to fuck her senseless; but as I bent over her that pure warmth returned, coating the burning fire of animal need.

Again I took a moment just to look at her, so beautiful, so small, so naked on my bed. I was still fighting with myself. I could feel myself at war inside and I could feel the need pulse between my thighs. I wanted her so much that I could have fallen on her and taken her right then, growling and biting and fierce, but I also wanted to give her pleasure; the sounds she'd been making, the soft gasps and whimpers and cries, were so sexy, and I wanted to hear them again. She smiled at me and reached for me.

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

When he all but threw me onto the bed, I thought, incongruously, It's a good thing my knickers are already off, else I'd have soaked them.

He stood over me, and I gave him a good once over, as he'd given me when I shucked off my robe.

Remus was a little taller than average, and probably would have been a bigger man except for the many years he'd spent too poor to eat well. He had broad shoulders and a large frame, but not as much flesh as you might normally see on that sort of body. What flesh he had was very nicely conditioned, I noted, my eyes lighting up. He actually had less body hair than I'd have thought; he had a good covering on his chest and belly and legs, and quite a tangle between his thighs, but I'd been expecting him to be almost furry, and he wasn't.

I moved my glance up to his face and watched him looking at me, a weird sort of predatory tenderness in his eyes, as if Remus the man wanted to make love to me, and Remus the wolf wanted to fuck my brains out.

I'd take either option, honestly.

I'd wanted him for so long, pined for him so badly, that I really didn't care how this happened, just so it did happen.

He sat down on the bed and kissed me again, another devouring, hot kiss. His hand reached between my thighs; it seemed like he would have forced them open, except he didn't have to. His sharp nails raked my inside thighs, but I was so excited that it didn't come anywhere near hurting. It made me arch up to him and whimper.

I heard him growl into my neck as he opened my lips, wet and ready for him. I gasped as he bit my neck again, then I ran my hand down his chest and stomach again, and wrapped my fingers around his erection. He grunted loudly and all but jumped on top of me.

He pushed in, hard; he was just big enough to make that a little uncomfortable, but I was so aroused I really didn't care too much if it hurt right now, although a voice in the back of my head told me I'd be sore tomorrow. I told the voice to shut up.

He growled as he pushed all the way into me, and I cried out, rather loudly. He began moving, hard and fast, thrusting into me like a madman.

I pushed up at him just as hard. Over and over, our bodies crashed together and pulled away and crashed together again.

I pushed at his shoulders and rolled him over so I could ride him for a while; I ground my hips down to his as he thrust violently up to me. He groaned, low, rough, animal noises, and grabbed my hips in his hands, his nails digging in to my skin. He looked up at me, his eyes dark with a kind of intensity I'd never seen before. If I hadn't been so turned on, I might have been scared. As it was, it just turned the heat up.

He took my hips and pushed me back around so that he was on top again, and continued thrusting into me almost brutally.

I gave back every bit as good as I got, though. I forced my hips up to his, and I grabbed his shoulders to pull him close, and then raked my short, sharp nails down his back, hard. He cried out, a rough, almost-howl of pleasure-pain, and thrust even harder into me.

It didn't take long; I was so hot from his kisses that the world exploded for me after only a few minutes, and my orgasm seemed to trigger his.

He growled into my neck, pushing so hard into me that it felt like he was trying to put his whole self inside me. I felt his voice in my skin, growling low and rough, as I felt him erupt into me.

He collapsed onto me and we lay there for a time as our breathing slowly returned to normal.

After a long while of nothing but breathing from either of us, he raised his head and looked at me; I could see fear and self-hatred in his eyes.

Through every forest, above the trees
Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
You are the reason I stay alive

Once again, I couldn't keep the beast within out of the sex. I had tried, but her fingers closing over my erection had pushed me over. I had mounted her as if in rut, pleasuring in her cry of pain, driving in, ready to bite her neck, taste her blood, a snarl of lust-filled anger on my lips. But I hadn’t, somehow I hadn’t; something was fighting inside. I dug my fingers into her; I had to do something and she squealed, dragging me over, urging me, calling my name. As an animal I possessed her, as the animal within tried to possess me but instead, something else was taking me over through my hammering thrusts, scratching nails, something that made me empty more than raging heat into her, made me empty my soul into her.

I almost couldn't stand to look at her. I didn't want to see the pain in her eyes, the tears, the hurt, the condemnation that I was sure was waiting for me.

I couldn't believe what had just happened. I'd never felt that in my entire life. That wonderful tightening around me, and those lovely shivering, whimpering sounds she made—they were the most beautiful, amazing things I'd ever experienced.

But—no, it couldn't be. She must have faked it, I thought. There's just no way she enjoyed it that much. I was too rough, I know I was, I hurt her, I just know it, the refrain kept playing in my mind.

I finally got my courage up; I raised my head from her silky hair and looked at her, waiting for the anger, the rejection, the expulsion from her life.

She looked at me. Her eyes couldn't be that soft for me; I thought she had to be trying not to cry because I had hurt her so badly. I could see the marks I’d left, a bite to her breast, red marks across her hip. A sense of relief washed through me. I saw no blood, no gouges, just little red lines on her skin that would probably fade within a day.

“Tonks,” I almost sobbed her name.

And then she kissed me.

Not the hard kisses from earlier, but a soft kiss, just brushing my lips with hers.

“I told you, I'm not afraid of you, and I trust you,” she whispered in a soft voice; it was a tone I'd never heard before, but I've come to understand it's a pretty common vocal quality in a sated woman.

She kissed me again, another tender touch of her lips to mine. “I love you, Remus,” she said.

I let tears fall from my eyes into her wild pink hair.

“I love you too.”