azdesertrose (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
azdesertrose) wrote2008-11-08 07:14 pm
azdesertrose) wrote2008-11-08 07:14 pm
Tired
So Nicholas and I stayed up talking all night last night and I got really upset, which set me off into a dissociative episode and then a psychotic episode this morning. I've slept all day.
I dissociated for a while, where I was just not there; I made myself push my emotions down so I could drive (I had to pick Cliff up from a sleep study), but it didn't last. We tried to go out to breakfast after I picked him (all three of us) and I couldn't eat and could barely drink. I finally ran out of the restaurant and spent a while hyperventilating on the sidewalk outside. Nicholas came to me and made me get in the car and tried to get me to talk but I just couldn't. Cliff had to drive home, which mercifully wasn't far. We got home and I curled up on the bed in fetal position and couldn't answer anybody when they both tried to ask me what the fuck was wrong. I finally managed to say "Alone" which of course made no sense. I felt so alone.
I was feeling like nobody loved me, because of the problems Cliff and I have been having, and because of something Nicholas said about a former girlfriend who had a very strong and manipulative and unhealthy hold on him.
It made me hear my father's voice telling me that he was the only one who would ever love me this much, that no man would ever love me as much as he did, and that it was my fault he was raping me because I said when I was little that I wanted to marry him and that's what married people do.
I finally managed to get that out to Cliff and Nicholas. So Cliff told me that it wasn't true, and they both told me they loved me. They made me take my medicine and held me until I finally fell asleep.
I feel better now after some sleep. I'm kind of hungry but I don't feel like cooking. What I really want is a hamburger and some french fries and some mac and cheese.
I dissociated for a while, where I was just not there; I made myself push my emotions down so I could drive (I had to pick Cliff up from a sleep study), but it didn't last. We tried to go out to breakfast after I picked him (all three of us) and I couldn't eat and could barely drink. I finally ran out of the restaurant and spent a while hyperventilating on the sidewalk outside. Nicholas came to me and made me get in the car and tried to get me to talk but I just couldn't. Cliff had to drive home, which mercifully wasn't far. We got home and I curled up on the bed in fetal position and couldn't answer anybody when they both tried to ask me what the fuck was wrong. I finally managed to say "Alone" which of course made no sense. I felt so alone.
I was feeling like nobody loved me, because of the problems Cliff and I have been having, and because of something Nicholas said about a former girlfriend who had a very strong and manipulative and unhealthy hold on him.
It made me hear my father's voice telling me that he was the only one who would ever love me this much, that no man would ever love me as much as he did, and that it was my fault he was raping me because I said when I was little that I wanted to marry him and that's what married people do.
I finally managed to get that out to Cliff and Nicholas. So Cliff told me that it wasn't true, and they both told me they loved me. They made me take my medicine and held me until I finally fell asleep.
I feel better now after some sleep. I'm kind of hungry but I don't feel like cooking. What I really want is a hamburger and some french fries and some mac and cheese.