azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, Cliff did get off work in time for us to make it to the concert but for reasons I will not go into just now, we didn't get to go anyway.

Instead of rocking my head off, I am sitting at my computer with over $100 worth of concert tickets in my back jeans pocket.

Goddamn it all to hell!
azdesertrose: (Default)
They promised Cliff he would get off at 5pm, or as soon thereafter as possible if he happened to be on a call at 5pm. Now they're saying they'll TRY to get him off work by 5:30.

Any other payday this would be a minor annoyance. WHY does this have to happen when we have concert tickets? GRRRRR!!!!
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff's frickin' bosses, that's who.

Today is his payday, and he usually doesn't work on paydays because his company is ass-backward and stupid and doesn't do direct deposit, so we actually have to physically cash his check and deposit it. And no, we can't deposit the check itself into the bank account because our bank holds his employer's checks for ten days because they've bounced so many. ::eyeroll::

So last night, I went to bed looking forward to getting to sleep until I was goddamned well good and ready to wake up this morning.

But noooooooo. At 6:30 I am awakened to the theme to "Hawaii 5-0" (the general ringtone on Cliff's phone); it's one of his supervisors begging him to come in to work. And of course, he went in. They promised him that he'll be able to take care of his paycheck and that he'll be off work by 5pm so we can still go to the concert tonight, which starts at 7pm.

I have been looking forward to this concert since I heard about it. If those motherfuckers screw this up, I will be PISSED OFF!!

I mean, we could use the money from the extra shift, but why today of all days? GRRRR!
azdesertrose: (Default)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I ran out of my Invega yesterday, but I should have one more 15-day script and the certificate to get it filled free. Well, I can find the certificate but not the actual prescription, which does a lot of bloody good. Fuck.


And in further fuckery, the SDC program is not accepting new applicants at this time (probably due to lack of funding), so I can't get help paying for therapy so I can't go. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Did I mention FUCK!!!

Ugh.

Dec. 16th, 2008 04:03 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I hate PMS. It makes me tired and grouchy, and my stomach hurts.

My period should probably start in a few days, and I'm bloated and sore and just generally not a happy camper.

I'm also hungry, but I'm cooking Nicholas and me something to eat now, and then I'm going to take some up to Cliff at work, and then Nicholas and I are going to go to Chamblin's and Target (to get my glasses fixed) and the mall (so Nicholas can look into job hunting).
azdesertrose: (Default)
I can't go to bed because I have to stay up to pick up Cliff from work whenever he gets off, so I'm going to ramble.

I moderate a GLBT chatroom, and one of the regular chatters was afraid to tell me she's trans. I mean, really, why would I moderate a GLBT chatroom if I had a problem with transgendered people? I recognized something when she logged on, and her nickname as her pen name for stories she's written for a trans fiction archive that she sent me to before I knew she was trans. But really, why would a straight man (what I assumed she was--and we all know what we get when we assume) write trans fiction under a female pen name? I should have figured it out from that. I never asked outright because I think that's a little rude, but when she started logging into chat under the female name, I figured it out. And rather than carry on pretending I didn't recognize her, I just private messaged her and said "Hi (old masculine nick)! I recognized your nick from your stories." I think I startled her at first, but she said she thought people might figure it out. Why would I give a damn? I can see why her wife and kids might have a problem, but why would I? It doesn't change that she's an intelligent, kind person with a good sense of humor and some common interests with me, which is why I chat with her.

I have a hard time understanding why people hate on the GLBT community. I know that they do, but I have a hard time understanding why. I want to tell the haters, "It's none of your fucking business if someone is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. Leave us alone to live our lives." (I'm bisexual, so that's why I said us.) It's not like being GLBT makes a difference to someone's ability to do a job, or to their personality, or anything like that. People are who they are regardless of sexual orientation or identity. If someone is an asshole, they'll be an asshole gay, straight, or whatever, and if someone is a sweetheart, they'll be a sweetheart gay, straight, or whatever. If someone is a kind, intelligent person with a good sense of humor, chances are I'll like them, gay, straight, or whatever.

And that bullshit about gay men molesting children. Bullshit. Pedophilia and child molesting are much more common in straight men than in gay men or women of any stripe. (Not to say that there aren't child molesting gay men or women of whatever stripe, but straight men are much more likely to harm a child that way than women or gay men.) And yes, child molesters deserve a special level of hell for hurting kids. But don't hate on gays for it. By and large, they don't do it.

Okay, time to close this out. Cliff called me to pick him up and he's got to be back at work at 9am, so I'll be headed to bed after we get home.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm still upset and angry over the Cliff job thing. I seriously don't know how we're going to manage. I don't know what to do.

I want to cry and scream, but that won't accomplish anything, except it might make me feel better.

He doesn't want to tell his mom and sister and I don't know why. Maybe they'd be a little considerate if they knew. Especially his sister who is going to die if she doesn't learn to leave me the fuck alone.

Apparently his erstwhile partner threw him under the bus about the taking two calls at once thing. Lovely. Such nice people. I could kick him right in the balls for this. (Sorry to the men on my list. I don't kick random people in the balls, only people who hurt me, and this hurt my whole household.)

I don't know what we're going to do. I'm scared to death. I have no idea how much money will be on Cliff's next paycheck and there are so many bills to pay, and my money won't come through until probably September at the earliest, maybe not until October or November. And that's assuming Social Security doesn't appeal the judge's decision.

And on top of that, I'm out of my BuSpar and almost out of my Paxil and out of my birth control pills with no way to get more of any of them. I'll be down to Klonopin and Invega. Let's hope that I don't land in the fucking hospital again. That'll be the third time in three months.

I just don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. And I'm so scared.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I wish I could tattoo "GO THE FUCK AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" across my forehead so Nancy wouldn't bother me with stupid shit. She has to pester me about absolutely every fucking thing and I'm sick of it. I'm going to kill her tomorrow when I don't have any cigarettes to smoke to calm myself down.

And Dixie keeps sneezing and bitching about it.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, GO THE FUCK AWAY, & LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

I am upset and stressed and I do not want to deal with anybody today!!!

Awake

Jul. 19th, 2008 07:25 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I got up to drive Cliff to work this morning, and had to detour practically halfway around the city because I-10 Westbound was closed for construction. I will be so glad when they're finished with that damn interchange. I am so tired of all the construction bullshit.

By the time I got all the way home, I was awake, so here I am.

My feet itch like hell; damn bugs. I hate mosquitos and ants, just for the record. They love to bite me and make me all itchy, and I'm allergic so the bites swell up and turn red and itch like a motherfucker. It sucks.

I really should be figuring out this fortnight's menu and grocery list but I just don't want to right now. I should do it and go to the grocery store while it's still early and not crowded but I just don't feel like screwing with it right this moment. Maybe I'm just being lazy. I know I have to buy cat food; the kitties are almost out of chow. They were all over me when I got back from taking Cliff to work; feed us! Tessa is especially cute when she wants food. She loves all over everything and talks to me until I go to the food container and put food in her bowl.

Tessa is my kitty; she follows me around the house and comes up to me and wants love, so I give her pets and love. When I go outside for a smoke, she's almost always waiting inside the back door for me when I come back in. She also waits outside my bedroom door (the animals aren't allowed in our bedroom because of our allergies) when I'm in there doing whatever. I love that silly orange cat.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So I paid bills today and now we don't have much left for groceries. This sucks.

Oh, well. At least (hopefully) the disability money will come through soon and we'll stop this constant struggling.

It sucks for now though. Bleah.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm a little late with this, but I'm upset.

Our government has all but repealed the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. I can be imprisoned for my political beliefs because they don't conform to what the current Powers-that-Be think is right.

I believe in the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. Particularly this part of the Declaration.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.

It is time for We the People to resecure our constitutional rights, the rights on which our nation was founded. Our Constitution guarantees us the right to fair government, and the Bill of Rights guarantees us the right of free assembly, press, speech, religion, and other rights that we have taken for granted for so long that we've allowed them to be taken away from us by an increasingly totalitarian and fascist regime.

I'm taking a risk by posting this. I could be in deep shit for saying what I'm saying, but damn it, my Constitution guarantees me the right to free speech, so I'm exercising it.

We are not safe. Allowing our rights to be taken away from us has not made us safer. The only way to be safe is to force the government back into its Constitutional limitations.

It is time for We the People to reclaim our nation.

The government may find this and decide to arrest me (thank you so much, "Patriot" Act), or discredit me as a lunatic.

Guess what? I'm nutty as squirrel shit, but I am not stupid, I am not uninformed, and I am not alone.

That's it.

Jul. 6th, 2008 01:18 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm done being a grown up.

I don't want to be an adult any more. This responsible grown up gig sucks swamp water, and I don't want to do it any more.

I want crayons and a coloring book and toys and kids' books.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I really need to make my menu and my grocery list and go grocery shopping but I don't want to. I hate grocery shopping. There's always 90 bazillion people in the grocery store and I hate being around a bunch of people.

And my feet are still swollen and I don't want to walk around. I just want to stay home.

Dun wanna go out.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I think a mosquito sneaked into my house last night and bit me all over my jaw/chin area. I itch like crazy. It's driving me nuts. I can't do anything but scratch. I hate bug bites and I'm allergic to them so they make me itch a lot.

Did I mention I hate bug bites?

There are ant bites on my feet because I go outside to smoke on the back steps barefoot.

I hate bug bites. I really need to move out of Florida where there are so many bugs to come bite you.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Having just been in a decent hospital, I'd like to rant about the crappy public hospital I was in about two years ago.

Crazy =/= stupid. There are plenty of mentally ill people who are perfectly intelligent and many who are very intelligent. Just because your brain doesn't work quite like everybody else's does not mean you're an idiot.

The public hospital treated all the patients like they were mentally retarded instead of mentally ill. They made no effort to treat the patients like sentient adult human beings. I refuse to go back there. I'll kill myself first, but fortunately I've found a decent hospital with a charity program so I don't have to go in the public hospital when I need to be hospitalized.

When I raised this topic in group at the public hospital, the group facilitator patronized me as if I were a 2-year-old. Thank you very much, I am a grown woman with a B.A. in English and I had a 3.2 GPA on my degree. I'm quite intelligent. I wanted to hit her for treating me like that but I don't go around bitch-slapping people as much as they might need a good bitch-slap.

Yes, I'm crazy. I'm clinically psychotic. I have schizoaffective disorder and when things aren't working right, I see things that aren't there to anybody else, hear voices that no one else hears, feel things crawling on me that aren't really there and smell things no one else smells. I rave and cry and scream for no reason. I get suicidal because the voices tell me that I'm useless and worthless and should kill myself. Sometimes I need someone else to take the reins and steer my life. That does not mean I'm an idiot. It does not mean that I'm stupid. It just means that sometimes I'm not the best person to make decisions for myself. But I have Cliff to make decisions for me when I need someone else to take over for me.

When things are working right, I am perfectly capable of steering my own ship. When my meds are working right, I'm clear-headed, level-headed, and practical. I understand that I will probably need medication for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. It's just like a diabetic has to take Metformin or Glucophage to maintain their insulin/sugar balance. I understand that I have to take my medicine every day to keep everything on an even keel. I take responsibility for my own problems.

But I am not stupid, and I do not like being treated like I'm somehow mentally deficient because I'm mentally ill.

Bored

Jun. 28th, 2008 12:46 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've got three chat programs open and I'm bored. I don't want to play a game, I'm not hungry (just ate some chips and homemade salsa), I don't want to read.

I'm just bored.
azdesertrose: (Default)
SHUT UP!!!!!!!

I let Nancy have her friend Rebecca over to spend the night. As I have previously mentioned, Nancy's taste in friends is not fabulous by my standards. The main problem with Rebecca, now that her younger cousin has quit transmitting lice to us, is that, like Nancy, she NEVER SHUTS UP. The only time I'm getting any quiet is when they're asleep or out of the house.

They just came back from a dip in the pool because they were hungry for lunch. Peachy-fucking-keen, but lunch does not require a constant stream of conversation. Dixie is perfectly capable of fixing herself some lunch without talking. So is Cliff. So am I.

So why the hell can't Nancy do anything without constantly running her fucking mouth? GRRRRRR!!!!
azdesertrose: (WTF?)
Now Nancy's saying she'll be home tomorrow. Cliff said he wants to call the Waycross police and say she's being held against her will, but that would cause more problems than it would solve, as I suspect Nancy knows that the rest of this household is annoyed as shit with her and is avoiding coming home on purpose.

I'm starting to want to slap the shit out of her again, just for being a selfish lying little bitch. Maybe a good hard slap would knock some sense into her. She doesn't care that her mother and brother are worried, she doesn't care that the stress she's causing almost landed me in the hospital, all she cares about is that she's having fun with her friends, pissant motherfuckers that they are.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
Cliff is home from work; he had a late call so he didn't get off work at 7 like he was supposed to; he got off work around 8 and we didn't get home until almost 9. He stayed up for a while playing around on the computer and then decided to take a nap.

Mike was online earlier but has stepped out. I don't know where Kevin (of Stupid Friggin Wacko fame) is; he hasn't been on since the chat transcript I posted yesterday.

I'm lonely. I'm tempted to go snuggle Cliff just to feel less lonely, not because I want to go to bed right now.

I've been feeling the crawly sensations on my skin again when there's nothing there. I don't like that feeling. It makes me want to scratch my skin off.

I finally washed my hair last night after leaving it unwashed for two weeks and two days. Yuck. It was greasy and yucky and needed a wash. Why do I do that to myself? What makes me think I shouldn't take care of my body? And I love my hair. It's my favorite thing about my body. So what is making me not take care of it?

I had to reschedule my counseling appointment (AGAIN) because I don't have the money to pay for it but I will next week, so I'll go then. I really need to go. I haven't been since right before the last time I was in the hospital.

I probably also need to see my psychiatrist about the crawly feelings and the ongoing depression and anxiety. I don't think my meds are really cutting it any more. But I can't make an appointment with her until I pay for the last two appointments. I swear I paid for the one in January but I can't find the receipt and they say I didn't pay so I have to pay again, and then I also have to pay for the one in April.

Why are things really only okay for a little while? I felt all right in April and then all of a sudden I fell apart completely and wound up in the hospital again because I thought I was going to take my sharpest kitchen knife and gash my arms open until I bled all over everywhere. I really wanted to; I wanted to hurt myself, and I wanted to see the blood, lots and lots of blood. It was very disturbing and upsetting.

I kind of want to hurt myself now; I wish I had a razor blade to make little cuts with, just lots of little cuts. Razor blades are comforting for the little cuts, and it's so easy to make little cuts with a razor blade.

Nancy is such an inconsiderate little pain in the ass; she doesn't think about anybody but herself. She's upsetting her mother and her brother, and all this bullshit drama she and her pissant motherfucker friends have been causing isn't doing me any good either.

Delayed reactions strike again; I'm finally breaking down from all the stress over Nancy.

Mike's back online, so at least I have someone to talk to now. Now I'll feel a little less lonely. Still depressed and anxious, but less lonely.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nancy STILL isn't home. Now I'm not sure why they won't bring her home. They went out to the movies yesterday so they can leave the unlocked house unattended for three hours to go to the movies but they can't leave it unattended for about the same length of time to drive her home.

She needs to come home because we need to have a family sit-down with her. I don't guess I really count as family yet since Cliff and I are not yet married but I live here too and all this bullshit is affecting me as well as Cliff and Dixie.

Cliff was torn up at the prospect of cutting her out of the family; he knew he was upsetting his mom which he doesn't like to do, and he was so upset he couldn't eat and was throwing up, but if she chooses "friends" who will threaten her family over her family then we don't want to deal with her.

Also, if she comes home, I'll turn her phone back on so she can reschedule her interview with HellMart and generally use her phone again. But until she comes back home, it stays off. She also conned Dixie into doing her chores for her while she's gone, and Dixie's health is not fantastic and she's tired of having to do Nancy's work, when Nancy could get her little ass down here and do her own work. Walking the dog is especially hard on Dixie's breathing because of the growing heat and humidity. It's easier for Dixie to breathe freely inside in the air conditioning.

I think Leslie (the bitch friend) just wants her to stay so she won't be without friends in Waycross. I don't know what possessed them to move to Waycross in the first place since Duncan's mom's job is here in Jacksonville and all their friends are here in Jacksonville, but hell, it's not my problem.

I don't know why she likes Leslie so much; from all I can tell, Leslie is an attention whore and a general bitch. But that's also not my problem. As I said in an earlier entry, she just has generally shitty taste in friends, but she's a pain in the ass herself so maybe it's just birds of a fucking feather.

I'm just tired of it. She needs to come home so we can talk to her without that loudmouth bitch Leslie jumping in on the conversation or that self-important pissant Duncan inserting himself into what is really our household business and none of his.

It's all such bullshit, and I'm so sick of it I could puke if I had anything on my stomach.

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