Ugh.

May. 17th, 2009 10:53 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm not exactly sick, I don't think.

I'm just tired and I feel crappy.

I've had a little bit of tummy trouble and a little nasal congestion and a slightly runny nose, but nothing too terrible.

I just have no energy and I feel unwell.

In brighter news, supper went over very well. I made apple-cherry glazed pork chops, mashed potatoes, and green beans, and Nick and Aysha both said that the pork chops especially were really nommy. :)

In somewhat sad news, Little Guy has gone to live with his permanent owner, Eric. Tessa seems to miss him. I think Sweetie Pie is relieved, though, and CC doesn't seem to care one way or the other. I miss the Little Shit, though. He was a rambunctious kitten but funny and sweet. I hope he's happy with Eric and Fat Cat.

And back on the topic of food, I need to get a few things going for tomorrow night's supper. Mercifully, for right now, I just need to wash one of my big cooking pots and start some beans soaking, which will not take long. Then once the beans are cooked, I have to start a pot of chili for tomorrow's chili tamale pie and what chili I don't use for the chili tamale pie, I will use for the smothered baked potatoes later in the week.

Anyway, I'm thinking that maybe the higher dose of the Zoloft is making me feel tired and weird and that maybe once my body gets used to it, I'll feel a little better.

Joy

May. 17th, 2009 03:34 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I've been on the higher dose of the Zoloft for a few days and so far it seems to be making me feel really weird. I feel like I'm not thinking as quickly as I normally do and I feel a little disoriented sometimes. Maybe that will go away soon. I'm going to give it a few more days to straighten out before I call my nurse-prac and complain about it.

In other news, my daughter has decided that I need a fashion makeover. Unfortunately, I guess I'm an old fuddy-duddy. She took me to the mall to look at dresses, and a lot of the "fashionable" dresses are just hideous. Loud prints, colors I hate, styles that look like shit on me. (What IS it with these necklines that emphasize the width of one's shoulders? The last bloody thing I need a garment to do is to emphasize the width of my shoulders. I look like a defensive lineman with tits as it is.) I say leave me to my solid t-shirts and blue jeans/sweats/capris.

Anyway, on that random note, I'll sign off for tonight.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I gave up and went back to the nurse-practitioner who seemed to think I'm bipolar, because I was out of my Zoloft and Klonopin and couldn't find a psychiatric care provider who would accept both Medicare and Medicaid.

She seems to have backed down on the bipolar thing; all she did was raise my Zoloft dosage and she wants to see me back in a month. She said she wants to see my records from my former psych before she does anything too funky with my meds.

So maybe she will work out as a care provider after all. She really is a nice lady.

I threw out my shoulder a couple of days ago and I've been taking "fuzzy drugs" for that, although the pain seems a lot better today than it has been. ("Fuzzy drugs" is a family term for narcotics, mainly, but really any medication that can make you feel a little out of it.)

Anyway, marching on. We shall see how the higher dose of Zoloft affects me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Upon cross-referencing the Medicaid provider book (because Florida apparently hasn't made it into the 21st Century yet, which is to say they do not list Medicaid providers online) and the Medicare provider search function on their website, apparently there is no psychiatric medical care provider in this area who accepts both Medicare and Medicaid. There are only four psychiatrists in Duval County who treat adults (over age 18) and accept Medicaid, and none in Clay County. If you're on Medicaid and need psychiatric care in Clay County, you have to go to the Clay County public mental health facility, which I can't use because I'm not a resident of Clay County.

Somebody suggested that I ask my primary care doctor for a hold-over prescription, at least for my Zoloft, because I am still trying to find a psychiatrist or nurse-practitioner to replace the last nurse-prac who thought I was bipolar. I wish to hell my old psychiatrist took at least Medicare; I liked her.

I tried to get on with River Region Human Services, which is a public health facility, but THEY DON'T TAKE MEDICARE, only Medicaid. What the hell kind of public health facility doesn't take Medicare? Jeez.

In any case, I'm running low on my Zoloft, and I've been taking it every other day instead of every day to try to make my supply last a little longer, but I totally did not think about asking my primary care guy to write me a hold-over script, which he probably would do because he's cool like that.

Just stuff

Mar. 10th, 2009 09:22 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I let myself get buried in books for a few days and went all Luddite on the world.

I re-read the entire Earth's Children series, plus Jennifer Government, which Nicholas had been nagging me to read. It's quite good, sort of a latter-day, fast-paced 1984. It was quite easy to read, yet thought-provoking.

I may or may not stay on the Lamictal. I had started to develop a rash last night, small red itchy bumps on my feet, ankles, hands, and wrists. I took a couple of Benadryl and went to bed, and didn't take the Lamictal today. I called my ARNP and she said she wants to see me tomorrow to look at the rash and make a decision about the meds. The rash seems to have faded, between the Benadryl and not having taken the Lamictal today.

Nicholas' hair is still a work in progress. He took out what I had done because we didn't get around to finishing within the next day or so, and it's best to do the entire head at once or as close to it as can be arranged. So we sat up together and watched movies and I did his entire head, but he fell asleep while I was doing it, and when he examined it, he said that some of the baby dreads-to-be are too thick and others aren't coiled tightly enough or waxed heavily enough so I have to work on it some more. I'm perfectly willing to work on it until I get it right. I just haven't spent much time working on African textured hair, and what I have worked on was relaxed. He has worn dreadlocks before, so he knows how it should be; it's just hard to do on yourself, apparently. I can understand that. You can't see the back of your own head, after all.

Dixie and Nancy are talking about moving out. It would be nice to have the extra space and privacy, but it means we'll lose some income because Dixie pitches in to help cover household expenses. I think I'll also miss having them around for the help around the house they both give. Dixie does some cooking and makes most of the iced tea. Nancy does a bit of cooking and most of the cleaning, which was Cliff's idea since she's almost 22 years old and has no job, so therefore does not pitch in toward household expenses. Before they move out, I've got to get Dixie to teach me to make meatballs and meatloaf, both of which she does exceptionally well and I can't do worth shit. On the other hand, if I want to come out of my bedroom naked, I would be able to do so if the household was just me, Cliff, Nicholas, and Aysha, because goddess knows I've got nothing the three of them haven't seen. We shall see, I suppose.

I almost got into an argument with Nancy's friend Jon (the only one of her friends who doesn't drive me completely batshit) over abortion last night. He is militantly Catholic and therefore pro-life to the point of believing that not even rape victims should be allowed to terminate a pregnancy caused by the rape (not that this situation occurs that often in the real world anyway, and more and more rapists are using condoms these days to avoid leaving their DNA with their victims). The only reason it didn't turn into a loud and vociferous debate (at the very least) was that I cut it short with the excuse that Cliff was trying to sleep and would not appreciate said debate/argument. I really wanted to tear him a new one, though. Pro-life men drive me even crazier than pro-lifers in general; men are not the ones who have to carry a pregnancy. They have no clue what it's like, especially not someone Jon's age (early 20s). And yes, I know men can be raped and I have every sympathy in the world for any victim of any sort of assault, but the plain fact is, women are hurt in that way much more often than men. Jon's argument (re: pregnancy as a result of rape) was that the unborn is not responsible for the crime of its father. Mine is that rape is not just a physical and sexual crime; it is deeply emotional. Pregnancy is also a deeply emotional experience, and I don't think that a woman who is trying to recover from a rape should have to carry the child of her rapist. She can if she wants to, but she shouldn't be forced to. It comes down to this. The needs of a living woman are more important, to my way of thinking, than the needs of a cluster of cells, albeit a cluster of cells that will one day become a human being. We count life from the date of birth, not the date of conception, which can't usually be nailed down anyway. There are just too many situations in which abortion is a viable--and in some cases, the best--option. What about a pregnancy that endangers the mother's life? Why should a 12-year-old incest victim have to bear her stepfather's child? I used to know someone who had been in that situation. It is not healthy to carry a pregnancy so young, and her body paid for it in later years. And when you really get down to it, why should any woman have to bear a child she does not want or cannot afford?

Off my soapbox now.

Hmm.

Mar. 4th, 2009 10:27 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I like the nurse-practitioner. She's very nice.

I think she thinks I'm bipolar, though, which I don't believe I am. She raised my Zoloft dosage, which probably needed to be done, kept my Klonopin where it is, and wants me to start taking Lamictal.

I'm of two minds about that. Nicholas had a very bad experience with Lamictal; he said it made him completely emotionless and he just couldn't stand that (not that I can say as I blame him). Mini-me takes it for her seizures, but I believe her dosage is higher than mine is/will be. I suppose I'll fill the script and take it and if it doesn't help or causes problems, I'll just ask her to back me off it.

She kept asking me about manic episodes; I don't believe I've ever had a manic episode. I was diagnosed as bipolar type II (hypomanic episodes only, no true manic episodes) when I was a teenager but I've had several psychiatrists since then say that I was misdiagnosed.

My back is still killing me, and pain is shooting down both legs, the left worse than the right. I'm considering going to Solantic to see if I can get something for the pain, and then telling my new PCP about it when I see him next week. Driving Cliff to work this morning like to killed me. Working the clutch was extremely painful. The next car is going to be an automatic; I'm getting too old for this manual transmission shit.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Today I see my new psychiatric nurse-practitioner. I hope she's nice. I also hope she doesn't flip her shit when I tell her I weaned myself off my Invega.

I see my new primary care physician next Thursday. I hope he's nice too.

In other news, I've been playing with Nicholas' hair. At my suggestion, he has been growing it out with the intent of dreadlocks. It is now long enough to turn into baby dreads, so we bought little bitty hair ties and dread wax and I've been learning on the job how to twist hair into baby dreads. We sat around in the living room yesterday and watched the first few episodes of season 1 of "The Tudors" while I started my on-the-job learning. About a quarter of his hair is now in little baby dreads-to-be, but some of them I have to redo. We stopped because I had to cook supper.

Supper was quite a success last night, I think. Dixie and Aysha liked it, anyway. Cliff and Nicholas slept rather than eating. Nancy was, as usual of late, out with her friends. I made enchiladas suizas and real Spanish rice, as opposed to the quick-and-dirty RoTel Spanish rice thing I usually make. I was going to make chiles rellenos as well but I got tired of cooking after I'd put the rice and enchiladas together, so I'll do them today or tomorrow. The Anaheim chiles are peeled and seeded and ready to be stuffed, battered, and fried, so really, the hard part is done.

My back has been KILLING me for the last two days. I don't know why. It just hurts. A lot.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Finally, after much fucking around with the Medicare website, which is a pain to use and tends to have bad contact information, I found a p-doc who a) takes Medicare b) I don't owe money to and c) is not a known asshat.

I don't know if I'm still friends with anybody who remembers, but a couple of years ago, I saw a psychiatrist (exactly once) who had the gall to ask me if what my dad did was "just statutory rape" or if I had resisted. I was too shocked to be pissed right at first and then I completely lost my cool. I couldn't believe a PSYCHIATRIST would ask a question like that. He was on the Medicare list. Needless to say, I did not call his office about scheduling an appointment.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse-practitioner on March 3. Hopefully free of asshattery. All I want is someone to monitor my meds. That really should not be too difficult.

I also finally have a primary care physician. I had been hoping to get on with Cliff's PCP, but he doesn't take Medicare. Pity, that. He's a really good doctor, and we like him. Anyway, I have an appointment for a general check-up and to look into the prevalence of skin infections I've had lately on March 12.

Doing laundry today. Great joy. I hate doing laundry, but we've got to have clean underwear and stuff.

Back on meds, I'm still off the Invega, and still doing okay without it. I don't suppose it would be the end of the world to have to go back on an anti-psychotic, but I hope I can stay off. I don't mind the Zoloft and the Klonopin so much, but anti-psychotics are heavy duty stuff. I'm only taking the Klonopin as needed any more anyway.

Ugh.

Dec. 22nd, 2008 04:39 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff seems to be trying to change his mind about kicking me out, but this is about the fifth time he's told me to get out. I can only take being told to fuck off so many times, no matter how much I love somebody.

Basically, the problem is that he's jealous of Nicholas and the time I spend with Nicholas. But what I tried to tell him is that Nicholas actually acts like he's interested in me. Cliff just wants me to be in the same room but not actually talk to me or pay attention to me. Why shouldn't I prefer to be with somebody who actually wants to talk to me?

I'm thinking about not going back on the Invega. Now that I'm over the withdrawals for the most part, I'm not having any hallucinations or paranoia, so I'm wondering why I need to take it.

Nicholas and I are looking at getting an apartment with Aysha, his other young lady. I think it will be better this way.

I still want to cry a lot, but it feels more like grief for something that's over.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I just had it shown to me that my startle reflex is much more sensitive right now than normal.

Cliff dropped a lid to a cooking pot and the noise scared me so bad I nearly jumped out of my chair and threw my headset off my head. I'm still shaking from the start.

This almost feels like an emotional migraine. When I have a migraine, light and noise bother me and my stomach gets upset so I don't eat. Well, I'm not eating to speak of because I just can't make myself do it, and my startle responses are way out of whack. It just feels like everything's too intense for me to handle. It makes me want to go hide in bed with the covers over my eyes, even though I can't breathe with the covers over my face.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Apparently I can type today unlike yesterday, but I still feel very out of it.

I slept as long as I could stand to.

My skin feels weird. Last night I could feel a lot of biting sensations all over and it made me very itchy. I'm not so itchy this morning but I feel weird.

No visual or auditory hallucinations yet, thank the gods. Maybe I can get through this without that.

I feel very physically tense. My muscles are tense and not willing to relax.

I want to just stare into space and not do anything, so I'll probably veg out here at the computer and hope nobody bothers me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I just looked at the pharmacy website and it doesn't matter that I can't find the prescription. I can't use the certificate because I've already used six of them this year and you can only use six per year.

So I'm just shit out of luck until and unless my doctor will give me samples.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I hate running out of my Invega. I can't find the bloody prescription to get more, and now I feel all fucked up. I feel like I'm not really in my body. I feel like I don't really have control of my body.

The paranoid part of me is saying that I'm detoxing from poison.

I can just stare into space for what feels like hours. This sucks.
azdesertrose: (Default)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!

I ran out of my Invega yesterday, but I should have one more 15-day script and the certificate to get it filled free. Well, I can find the certificate but not the actual prescription, which does a lot of bloody good. Fuck.


And in further fuckery, the SDC program is not accepting new applicants at this time (probably due to lack of funding), so I can't get help paying for therapy so I can't go. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Did I mention FUCK!!!
azdesertrose: (Default)
As it transpires, I could get the Zoloft, because even without the coverage, it was only $30 for the month's supply, and it should be covered next month with the Medicare part D stuff. So I rescind my profanity of earlier. :)

GRRRRR!!!!

Dec. 4th, 2008 04:52 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I can't get my Zoloft.

Medicaid won't cover it, and my Medicare prescription drug coverage doesn't start until January.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!
azdesertrose: (Default)
I think I forgot to take my meds yesterday, because I feel off-kilter today. Not too bad, just a little off.

I'm sort of tired but not sleepy, and just a little out of it.

I just don't want to do much. If I go lie down, I'll fall asleep and I don't really think I should sleep. I just want to chill out. If Cliff weren't monopolizing the TV, I'd like to watch a movie with Nicholas. I could do with finishing "Clue."

Med update

Nov. 26th, 2008 02:15 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, my psychiatrist is putting me back on Zoloft like I wanted, so yay for that.

Cliff is pissed at me because I didn't go grocery shopping when he wanted me to and we whittled down the grocery money until all we had money for was beans and rice. I hate going grocery shopping though; the store is always so crowded and it makes me anxious.

I slept for half of forever last night, and I still feel kind of tired and run down. Just not having one of my better days, I guess.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, my family is sick, so we're on our own for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure what we're going to do; we're too broke for me to cook the whole turkey, etc. Oh well. I guess we'll do that next week after my monthly disability check comes in.

I saw my counselor yesterday and that went really well. I like her a lot.

I have to go now and see my psychiatrist. Hopefully she'll agree to put me back on Zoloft.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I still feel fairly calm and peaceful.

Cliff is getting over being sick and poor Nicholas has been running a fever all day and sounds like a bullfrog because his throat is sore and his sinuses are all fubar. (He's got a fairly deep voice anyway.)

I've been nagging him to rest and drink lots of fluids because that's about the only thing that really helps a bad cold. I put a hot compress on his head to try to loosen up all the sinus crap but I'm not sure that helped. He's being male and stubborn and wants to sit up with me instead of resting in bed like his sick ass ought to. It's sweet that he wants to be with me, but he should be in bed.

Tomorrow is my therapy appointment, and then Wednesday I have to see my psychiatrist. I'm hoping I can get my psychiatrist to put me back on Zoloft instead of the Paxil. My gyno thinks the Paxil is making me gain weight which I do not by any means need to do. I'm hoping that Patricia (the therapist) is as cool as her bio makes her sound. She called me today to confirm my appointment and I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out her accent. She sounds a bit like a Scotswoman who's been living in the Southern US for a long time. I'll have to ask tomorrow.

I'm a little nervous still about the therapy appointment. I feel a lot better since the ritual but I know I still have work to do.

I'm also nervous about Thanksgiving. I don't really have the money to do the traditional meal here, so if we're going to have turkey, etc. we really have to go up to my parents' house and I still don't know how my parents are going to react to Nicholas. I shouldn't care, but I don't want to alienate what family I have left. Oh well. I guess we just have to wait and see on that one.

I think I'm going to go take a nice warm bath with some lavender oil in it and go to bed. I'm tired from staying up all night last night and not sleeping much today, and if I go to bed, Nicholas will too and rest like his sick behind needs to.

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