azdesertrose: (Default)
Nicholas is very excited about getting an apartment with Aysha and me.

I hate to be a wet blanket on his excitement, but I'm grieving the end of Cliff's and my relationship. For four and a half years, we've shared each other's lives. We've been through all kinds of things together, and at one point, I really thought we'd get married. I never thought I'd get married again after my first marriage.

I had even bought my engagement ring.

I posted it on craigslist last night, and I have a tentative buyer. As soon as he Paypals me the money, I'm going to ship him the ring.

My beautiful Celtic heart engagement ring with Cliff's and my birthstones in it.

But it doesn't mean anything if we're only going to hurt each other by trying to stay together, and I think that's where we are. I don't think there's any way we can get back to the comfortable, shared love we once had. There's been too much anger and too many "Get out"s.

I still love him and he says he still loves me, but I guess sometimes love just isn't enough.

It's just over.

It's over

Dec. 21st, 2008 10:19 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff is kicking me out.

I don't know what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go. He says I have until the first of January to leave.

He says I've been ignoring him and using him, which is not true, but that's how he feels and he says nothing I can do will change his mind.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Hospital yet again.

I cracked up this weekend. Friday I lost it in the car, and by Saturday I felt so crappy, physically and emotionally, that I spent hours driving nowhere and finally checked myself into the hospital.

Nicholas can't stand to be in the same room with me any more; needless to say, he has given up on me. Cliff is close to it himself. He almost didn't let me come back home from the hospital.

I don't know what to do. I want to be better than this, but I don't know how.

I can't afford counseling, and I just don't know what to do.


Dec. 4th, 2008 01:34 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm still sick. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon, and I do indeed have strep throat. Which means that Cliff and Nicholas have probably both had it recently/are still fighting it off.

Oh crap. That reminds me, I'm supposed to find Cliff's bloodwork paperwork and schedule him for his bloodwork and schedule an appointment with his doctor so he can get on antibiotics for the strep infection. And I can't tear the bedroom apart right now because Nicholas is asleep. Shit.

I feel like the Typhoid Mary for not having caught on that it was a strep infection sooner. But it was only when I got sick that I thought to have anybody's throat rapid-cultured. But who knows how many people have gotten sick because I didn't think to make Cliff go to the doctor when he was sick or drag Nicholas' sick behind to the ER, as sick as he was with it.

Oh well. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

Ugh. Being sick just saps your energy level. I haven't done anything significant in three days and I'm exhausted.
azdesertrose: (Default)
... I may be getting one of the things on my happy list. Cliff said last night we'd see how things go but if things continue to go well, he'd see about putting his claddagh back on and giving me my engagement ring officially. So yay! for that.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nicholas and Cliff are both mad at me about smoking. Cliff got mad because I went out and smoked in the car because it's raining outside. Nicholas says I act like a junkie where cigs are concerned.

I feel like I need something to calm my nerves. I backed myself off the Buspar and Klonopin and now I am not taking anything to settle my nerves. Smoking calms me down when I'm feeling anxious.

Part of me would like to end that addiction. It's not healthy, it's expensive, everybody imaginable wants me to quit, there are ninety bazillion reasons not to smoke. But I can't get away from the comfort I get from smoking a cigarette.

I withdrew from the [ profile] _survivors_ group because Nicholas wanted me to; he said that it was only a painful reminder of what I've been through and that I should give it up. So I did.

But I feel like no one will let me have my comforts. I feel like I'm being asked to make all these changes and nothing is familiar or comfortable any more.

Cliff just read over my shoulder and said, "Why did you stop taking your anxiety medicines? I'd rather you were taking the anxiety medicines than smoking." Good question.

I backed off the Buspar because I didn't have any refills for it, and I felt like nobody trusts me with the Klonopin after what I did two weeks ago with the suicide attempt (overdose of Klonopin). But I guess I can refill the Klonopin and/or talk to my psychiatrist about writing me a script for the Buspar. (I was originally prescribed the Buspar by a psychiatrist at the hospital. I don't think my psychiatrist has ever prescribed it to me.)

I probably should talk this over with Patricia (my new therapist) when I see her again next Monday. I need some new comforts in order to get rid of the cigarettes. I just don't know what else to do.

Med update

Nov. 26th, 2008 02:15 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, my psychiatrist is putting me back on Zoloft like I wanted, so yay for that.

Cliff is pissed at me because I didn't go grocery shopping when he wanted me to and we whittled down the grocery money until all we had money for was beans and rice. I hate going grocery shopping though; the store is always so crowded and it makes me anxious.

I slept for half of forever last night, and I still feel kind of tired and run down. Just not having one of my better days, I guess.

What a day

Nov. 24th, 2008 03:46 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
On top of the wonderful healing ritual, I have also gotten LOTS of great sex from both Cliff and Nicholas today. How much better can a day get?
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff read this journal for the first time in a while and went completely off on me, said that I made him out to be an ass and we had this long drawn-out almost-argument.

I'm afraid I've lost him. Nothing I do makes him happy any more. Everything makes him angry and nothing seems to soothe his anger. I just don't know what to do.

I'm trying to imagine life without him. It's hard to do. He's been a constant of my life for the last four and a half years. I thought we would get married. I haven't thought I would marry anybody since I left my first husband thirteen years ago.

I don't know what I'm going to do if he tells me to leave, but it seems like we're headed for that. I wish I could talk to Jen, but it's 4:30 in the morning and she's asleep, I'm sure.

I just know I can't live with this much tension. Something, somewhere, has got to give.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Okay, so.

Cliff and I were originally supposed to get married next March. However, I ordered my engagement ring and he hasn't seen fit to give it to me, so I'm not sure that he still wants to get married.

I'm not sure I still want to get married. I'll lose my Medicaid if I get married. Nothing would change except we'd lose $100 a month, or thereabouts.

And now that Nicholas is with us, I'm not sure we should have a separate handfasting for Cliff and me, and then one later on with Nicholas, which is what I originally thought we'd do.

I just don't quite know what I'm doing, I guess.

I've thought about sending the engagement ring back and having a pearl put in place of the diamond, even though my little heart-shaped diamond is beautiful, just to have something that represents Nicholas too. (His birthday is in June, so his birthstone is pearl. The ring already has my and Cliff's birthstones in it.) That would also be a bit lopsided symbolically, because really, the garnet should be in the center (me), and the pearl and the emerald on the sides. Oh well. I don't know.

I just don't know. I'm confused and agitated today.

I did finally get to smoke a cigarette but I would like another one right now, just to calm me down.

Nicholas wants us to watch a movie together, but I'm not sure I can settle down enough to sit still through a movie.



Nov. 8th, 2008 07:14 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
So Nicholas and I stayed up talking all night last night and I got really upset, which set me off into a dissociative episode and then a psychotic episode this morning. I've slept all day.

Triggers: CSA, hearing voices, catatonia )

I feel better now after some sleep. I'm kind of hungry but I don't feel like cooking. What I really want is a hamburger and some french fries and some mac and cheese.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nicholas said when he saw the post with Little Guy's pics that I never post pics of him. I have a few that he sent me a while back, but here's one taken this evening of both of us in the computer room. It's not a particularly great shot of either of us, and it's also not the best pic my camera ever took, but it shows what we look like.

Nicholas and me in the computer room

And this is Cliff and CC.


When I had Dixie take the pic of Nicholas and me, I wanted a pic of Nicholas, Cliff and me, but Cliff hates being photographed so he wouldn't get in the picture. So that's what we look like, anyway.

We have...

Nov. 4th, 2008 11:47 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
...a temporary resident. A member of the itteh bitteh kitteh committeh.

This is the story. Cliff saw this adorable little kitten behind one of the buildings at work. After a couple of days of screwing around trying to get hold of it, we called the Humane Society, who hooked us up with a cat rescue lady who helped me trap the kitten and bring it home.

It's a little gray and black tabby with white legs and a white belly. I've fed it kitten formula and given it a bath. Cliff initially wanted to keep it but one of his coworkers wants to adopt it, so he's going to pay us back for taking it to the vet and getting it taken care of. I'm not sure if it's a male or a female. I've been calling it Little Guy, but it might be Little Girl.

Pics to come when Little Guy comes out from behind the dryer.


Nov. 2nd, 2008 03:19 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel like I can't cope any more.

No matter what I do, somebody is angry with me. I've mentioned feeling wrong-footed with Cliff all the time, and now Nicholas is mad at me about my smoking.

I feel like I can't calm down at all. Hot baths don't help, the Klonopin only helps if I take three or four of them, smoking helps for a little while.

I just want to give up and quit trying to make anybody happy because I'm constantly failing at it any way.


Nov. 2nd, 2008 01:52 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I finally nailed down what's been bothering me so much lately.

Cliff's angry behavior is reminding me both of my father and my ex-husband. I feel like I have to be perfect to avoid an angry response, and part of me is illogically afraid he's going to hurt me in some fashion. In some sick way, I almost wish he would just haul off and hit me. At least then, I wouldn't be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I know that's not healthy, and logically I have no desire to be hit, but emotionally it would almost be a relief.

I feel like I'm 10 years old again, trying to manage my father's household for him and stay away from his anger.

I'm spending a lot of time with Nicholas, at least partially because I don't have to walk on eggshells with him, which is probably not helping patch things up with Cliff, but I'm actually feeling afraid to be with Cliff now, and I don't like that dynamic.

I want the old Cliff back. This personality transplant he seems to have undergone reminds me of David, and how he changed after Mini-me was born.

The whole situation is very triggering for me, and it sure as hell is not helping me try to quit smoking.


Oct. 29th, 2008 08:25 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've been tired and run-down all day today, and I feel kind of depressed.

I can't really say why.

Last night Nicholas and I got into a conversation about our childhoods, and that was not the cheeriest thing ever. In fact, it left me wanting to cut, although I no longer have the means to do so. But I kept staring at my wrists and wishing for a razor blade. I even thought about running a hot bath and slashing my wrists deeply, although that was a relatively fleeting thought.

I just want to hold my teddy bear and cry.

I don't want to cook supper, I don't want to do anything. I just want to curl up and try not to think about anything any more.

I told Nicholas about the incident Jerry (oldest brother) told me about, which happened well before I was born. Mark, my youngest brother, cut out of line and Dad picked him up by his shirt and kicked him into his room. Curtis (middle brother) and Jerry got upset about that and started arguing, and Dad did the same to them. Mom protested and Dad slammed her against the wall, put his arm across her throat and told her to shut the fuck up.

I also told him about the vague early memory I have of Dad backhanding me across the room and Mom screaming that he could do what he wanted to her but to leave me alone.

Cliff and Nicholas and I had an overdue conversation last night in which Nicholas and I tried to explain to Cliff how we miss him and how we want to be a cohesive trio. I never meant for this relationship to be me-and-Nicholas and me-and-Cliff. I always wanted a connection between all three of us. I don't expect the connections to be quite the same, because we're all different people, but I want Cliff and Nicholas to feel connected to each other, not just to me, even if it's just a really-good-friends type thing. And Cliff has taken to calling Nicholas "brother" which he only does with his closest friends, so that's good news on that front. So I think Cliff finally sees how his anger is affecting all of us, and hopefully he'll be able to let it go and we can be what we meant to be as a trio.

Cliff's behavior, though, had been reminding me of my first husband, and that's never good for me. I try not to think about David any more. I haven't seen him in thirteen years, and so much the better for Mini-me. But David seemed to get a personality transplant around the time Mini-me was born. I felt like I'd married one man and gotten something else entirely. And Cliff's recent, wildly-out-of-character, short-tempered and hostile behavior made me think that maybe I'd made the same mistake again, fallen in love with a man who was going to turn into somebody else on me once he was sure he had me. I think the fact that I told Cliff he was reminding me of David may have jolted him into a realization of how his behavior is affecting the whole household.

Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the strain of a lot of unpleasant memories and the tension in my home right now. Maybe that's why I feel depressed. I don't know.

I'm trying to resist the urge to go hide in my room and not talk to anybody, but I know that's not healthy.

It's game night for me anyway, so I can't go hide anyway. But I want to.

*le sigh*

Oct. 28th, 2008 03:01 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I am going crazier than normal here.

I feel like I'm being asked to make a lot of changes at the same time and I'm overwhelmed.

Nicholas and Cliff both want me to stop smoking and cut down my caffeine intake. (I go through tea like a motherfucker.)

Cliff wants me to be more attentive to him (which I've been trying to do but apparently not well enough) and to be more conscious of the BDSM aspect of our relationship.

BDSM and sex, skip it if you like )

And in addition to the changes Cliff wants to make in our relationship, and the changes they both want me to make related to my health, I'm having to change the way I run the household, because Nicholas is here, and I have to buy enough food for five people now, not four. I have one more person to consider when I plan the menu and buy groceries, and there are certain things that Nicholas eats and drinks that the rest of us don't, really. (For example, he likes soy milk on his breakfast cereal.) It doesn't bother me to make these changes, but it's taking me a little time to change my way of thinking about the household stuff.

I also don't get as much time as I used to get to putter around on the computer. I used to spend a LOT of time on IRC chatting with Mike and Kevin and various others, and now I only get to duck in every couple of days. I miss my guys.

I just feel like I'm spread rather thinly these days, I guess. I have to spend time with Cliff and with Nicholas and we need trio time and I occasionally need alone time and I haven't seen Jen since the wedding. I have seen Mini-me twice in the last month.

That's a whole different can of worms. I have yet to introduce Nicholas and Mini-me, and I have yet to attempt to explain Nicholas' role in my life. She is pretty laid-back and cool, but I'm wondering how "Mom is poly" is going to fly with her. It would be different if she'd been born into a poly family, but having it thrust on her when she's most of the way grown might not go so well.

So in addition to the daily demands on my time, I need some Jen time, and I need some mom-and-daughter time with Mini-me.

There just aren't enough hours in a day any more.

I don't want to schedule people's emotional needs as if I'm some sort of executive penciling things into her day-planner. But something's got to give here. I just don't want to shortchange anybody in my life, and it feels like everybody's getting shortchanged right now, including me.


Oct. 21st, 2008 02:20 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, when I picked Cliff up from work yesterday he was noticeably less angry than he has generally been of late.

We made love last night, and it was really good too.

I think things are going to be okay now. I hope so. He seems to finally be making an effort to let go of his anger and be his normal self again.

Oh dear...

Oct. 20th, 2008 01:22 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I had a horrible nightmare last night.

Detailed rape nightmare, skip if you're easily triggered. )

Cliff is still being difficult. I sucked up my nightmare and tried to take care of his emotional needs this morning; he is now upset at me over stupid stuff. Nicholas used his EBT card to buy some groceries, amongst which was a box of chai. I never had any clue that Cliff liked chai. In four and a half years that we've been together, he's never once drunk chai. But he was upset that I bought chai for Nicholas (technically Nicholas bought his own damn chai and is sharing it with anyone else who might want some, seeing as he bought it on his EBT card). And he's also upset that I was going to go buy sharp cheddar cheese for cheese and crackers. I prefer mild so I've always bought mild. I had completely forgotten that Cliff liked sharp until I mentioned that I was going to buy some sharp because Nicholas likes it. Normally I'm the only one who eats cheese and crackers any damn way.

Let me clue you in. Cliff and I had a miscommunication a couple of weeks ago. Cliff watched Nicholas and I make love (and some damn amazing love it was, too), and then was upset when I joked about being abundantly satisfied after we were through. Cliff wanted to make love with me because he was all turned on from watching Nicholas and me, and I was just about orgasmed out. But he's been angry at me ever since then, and every last little thing I do seems to piss him off.

Anyway, this morning, I sucked up my triggery, anxious feelings and tried to soothe his anger, and got nothing but more anger. I even told him that his anger was pushing me away from him, and he doesn't seem to care.

I love Cliff. I really do. I honor our history. We've been together through some phenomenally hard times and some great times. I want to stay with him. But I can't be the only one putting forth effort to meet needs here.

I told Nicholas last night that I felt a little guilty depending on him for comfort when I used to ask Cliff for comfort, but it feels to me like Nicholas gives freely what I had to beg for from Cliff.

And then this morning, when I got back from driving Cliff to work, upset about the nightmare and upset about Cliff's continuing anger, what did Nicholas do? Respected my wishes down to the letter (I didn't want to be touched because of the nightmare) and made me a lovely if slightly over-honeyed cup of Tension Tamer.

I love them both. I don't want to have to choose one over the other. But Cliff seems determined to force me to a choice, and if he keeps pushing me away this hard, I'll have no choice.


Oct. 18th, 2008 02:55 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Why does Cliff have to be so irritating when I'm trying to be nice?

He keeps doing the things that annoy me most today, and I'm PMSing and tired and grouchy and trying really hard to be nice to him and not bitchy. He made himself a bowl of cereal and left the orange juice out on the counter (he had to move the orange juice to get to the milk), and he does shit like that all the time. He is really bad about picking up after himself, and he knows it annoys the shit out of me.

And today I'm cramping and tired and bitchy and just not in any mood to pick up after an able-bodied adult.

He KNOWS that gets on my last fucking nerve.

Nicholas says it seems like he's difficult on purpose sometimes. Cliff admits he can be difficult to live with but why oh why oh why does he have to annoy me like this when I'm trying so hard not to be snippy and bitchy?


azdesertrose: (Default)

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