azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm feeling very overwhelmed of late and very much like giving up. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anybody, and no matter what I try, people (read: Cliff and/or Nicholas) are angry with me.

I've done a cut of my friends page. It's not that I changed my mind about whom I like or don't like; I'm just trying to keep things as positive as possible. So if I've cut you, don't get bent out of shape. It's not that I don't like you any more; in most cases, it's that either you don't post any more or you post a lot of negative things that I just can't take at this juncture. Most of my entries are public anyway, so feel free to keep me friended and continue reading and commenting if you like.

I didn't walk today and now it's getting dark and I don't like to walk after dark because I get scared and nobody will go with me except the dog. I really should feel pretty secure with CC's company, because as protective as he is, you'd better come at me with a gun or a moving vehicle if you intend to get past him. Anything less than lethal force is going to get you torn the hell up by one very protective dog.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot today. I've really let it get out of control. I don't even look like myself any more, I've gotten so heavy.

I've never been skinny. I'm tall and big-boned and I have big breasts and wide hips. I've always had to work out to stay reasonably slim and fit within the confines of my statuesque looks. The lightest I've been as an adult was 165 lbs, at which weight I wore a size 10-12 dress, and that's about as skinny as I need to be.


That's me at 165 and Mini-me at age 4 1/2. That dress was actually a size 8, but it was a fairly full-cut 8, although it fit me a bit tightly across the bosom. (And yes, I know, the glasses frames are really dated and not particularly flattering.) It doesn't really show you my figure because of the way Mini-me and I are sitting, but trust me, I still had tittays and junk in the trunk. I have some pictures from that time frame that do show my figure a bit better but they're under the bed in my parents' spare bedroom, where they will probably stay until I go up to my parents' house and use their scanner to scan in 20 or so years' worth of snapshots and other pictures. My measurements then were 36C-27-39. I don't even want to know what they are right now.

That's as skinny as I need to be. I've had people tell me that's too skinny.

I've also been giving some thought to my fashion sense or lack thereof at present. Right now, being disabled and broke, I don't leave the house much so I don't see any point in dressing any special way. I mostly wear t-shirts and either sweats or capris depending on the weather. About the only thing I really care about is that the shirt not clash with the bottoms.

I really like the fashions of the late 1940s into the 1950s. They're designed to show off an adult woman's figure, and even at my slimmest, I definitely have an adult woman's figure.

I'm thinking about, as I lose weight from the walking and stuff, starting to sew my own New Look/just-post-WWII influenced clothes, clothes meant to flatter a figure like mine, rather than trying to force my too-full figure into the skinny-girl, no-boobs, no-butt look that's popular today.

I'll still keep my t-shirts and sweats for hanging around the house or gardening or whatever, but I think I'm going to start researching sewing patterns for those kinds of clothes, for the times when I want to dress up and look good.

My mother and grandmother both have/had great fashion sense. My mother is one of those women who won't go down the driveway to the mailbox without full makeup and her hair done. I just can't fuss over myself that much. I never could, even in periods less depressive than present. And with the depression fight I'm in now, it's hard to make myself comb my hair and brush my teeth every day, much less put on makeup (makeup? When the hell do I wear makeup?) or do anything special with my hair. My grandmother, requiescat in pacem, did not wear much makeup as she came from a generation in which makeup was considered a bit trashy (powder, lipstick, and nail polish was about the extent of it), but she didn't leave the house without her hair done, her face powdered, her lips rosy, her hands manicured, and her shoes and bag matching her outfit. I kid you not, when we cleaned out her house after she died, we found no less than 100 pairs of shoes and 80 handbags in a veritable rainbow of colors and a broad spectrum of styles. (We also found what appears to have been a journal for every year of her life from the age of 18 or so until her death just shy of 78. I hope my aunt still has those. I asked her to keep them for me because I want them but I have no place to put them.)

Anyway, both of them for all appearances could color-coordinate in their sleep.

I've never felt feminine or pretty. I've always thought I was too tall and too big to be feminine, and I've always thought that my exotic (to put it nicely) facial features made me look kind of weird, although I've been told numerous times that I'm far from ugly. I'm not delicate or petite or any of the things that women are supposed to be. I'm as tall as (or in some cases taller than) a lot of men, and it just makes me feel like I'm not a real girl. Real girls are delicate and pretty, and I'm just not.

I guess I sort of hope that developing my own fashions, from designs meant to flatter a fuller figure, will make me feel feminine and/or pretty.
azdesertrose: (Default)
My mom is coming over later today to drop off some stuff for me. My parents periodically buy themselves new toys and give me the older (but still useful) ones. She said she has two DVD players and two VHS players, so I can finally have a DVD player in my bedroom!

She's also going to give me the money to get my guitar out of layaway! YAY! I can't wait to play it again. I fiddled with it in the store when I put it on layaway. It's a classical-style acoustic guitar with nylon strings, which I find easier to play than metal strings although I like the sound of metal strings. The classical style of guitar has a wider neck and fretboard, which makes it easier for me to play because I have big hands. Nicholas fiddled with it too (he's a much better guitarist than I am), and he's going to teach me to actually play it rather than just fuck around like I did with my old guitar (wherever it disappeared to; I distinctly remember seeing it in the moving truck when we moved here, but I haven't ever actually seen it in this home).

Got to trim the nails on my left hand so I don't catch strings I don't mean to play. I'll have to get used to having no nails on my left hand. The nails on my left hand have always stayed longer than the ones on my right hand because I'm right handed and tend to break the ones on my right hand.

I want to learn to play a lot of the folk-type music that we sing at SCA events. I'd love to get to be good enough at playing the guitar that I can play and sing at the same time, which I never managed with piano. I can play piano and I can sing, but not at the same time.

Just for fun and personal edification, I'd like to learn to play some rock music too, and maybe some Spanish-style classical stuff too. I like that kind of music.

There's actually not a lot of music I don't like. I listen to a great variety of things, and while I do find songs I don't like, there aren't really any genres I reject out of hand. I'll generally at least give something a listen. I won't promise to like it but I'll give it a fair shake.

It appears to be a rainy day today. The sky is gray and the air is heavy. It hasn't actually started raining yet, but I believe it will before the day is over.

A good day to stay inside and play guitar! :)
azdesertrose: (Default)
That's what the last few days have been.

Nicholas and I had a talk an hour or so ago and we're back together. He's about two feet from me now, here in the computer room. I guess where there's love and communication, anything is possible.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks for the hugs.

ETA: Oh, in "happy list" news, my mother is going to pay my guitar out of layaway as an early birthday present to me. (My birthday is in January.) So thanks, Mom.
azdesertrose: (Default)
... I may be getting one of the things on my happy list. Cliff said last night we'd see how things go but if things continue to go well, he'd see about putting his claddagh back on and giving me my engagement ring officially. So yay! for that.


azdesertrose: (Default)

October 2012

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