azdesertrose: (Default)
Hello world.

Just updating a little to say I'm not dead, not upset, and generally okay. I've been busy IRL and just haven't had much to say.

Oh, one thing. I'm getting a washing machine and dryer this weekend; my stepdad's coworker gave away a dryer, and my parents bought me a washer to go with it. So yay for no more trips to the laundromat or Mom's house to do laundry.

That's about it in my world.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I just finished reading Pema Chodron's The Wisdom of No Escape, and I have to say, it's amazing. She's amazing. I will be reading it again, without a doubt, maybe tonight, but I wanted to write down what I'm thinking now about the book and about my first reading of it.

It's okay. It really is okay to be a mess. I've spent all these years feeling that I was NOT OKAY because I'm a mess. But there's value in the mess, wisdom, beauty, jewels (of a nonmaterial sort) in the mess.

I feel like I might actually like myself one of these days.

This sounds so crazy, but it's so important. It's part of life to be messed up; everyone is messed up.

I've always felt so alone in my messed-up-ness, like no one else in the world was messed up.

But everyone is messed up; maybe no one else in the world is messed up exactly the same way I am to exactly the same degree I am, but everyone is messed up in some way.

You have no idea what a revelation that is.

This book, this thin little $12 book, made me see that even if I'm a mess, I'm okay anyway. And not in the cheesy, "I'm okay, you're okay," kind of way. I'm beautiful and wise and worthy and messed up and sad and crying all at the same time.

She explains it a lot better than I do.

Now I see why her writings came so highly recommended for survivors of abuse. We, as a group, tend to view ourselves as damaged goods, broken in some fashion by what we have survived. But with simple (and sometimes really funny) words, Pema Chodron makes it all seem to make some sense.

She even used some of the same metaphors I use to describe my terrors and my trouble. I'm just amazed.

I'm off to go re-read, I think.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So for Christmas, I got books. Two costuming books from my friends in England, and gift cards for more books from my mom and my aunt and uncle. I also got two CDs (also from the British friends), a bunch of kitchen stuff (from Mom), and a gift card for BP gas stations (from my stepdad). Hey, at least it's practical; I can get gas and smokes. (Yes, I smoke, I know--naughty naughty.)

I went and spent my gift cards for the bookstores today. I replaced my Medieval Calligraphy book that got lost in the move, bought a book with the startling premise that Chaucer was murdered, and two Pema Chodron books, The Places That Scare Us and The Wisdom of No Escape, both of which seemed intriguing. We shall see how helpful Buddhism is. *grin*
azdesertrose: (Yay!)
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

We got the place!!!!

Which means we can get out of this POS apartment and into a lovely nice place. I'll post pics when I take some.

In less wonderful news, I'm managing not to kill Cliff's family only by power of benzodiazepines. My nurse-prac prescribed .25 mg of Klonopin for me, which helps me sleep and keeps me calm enough to do what I need to do to keep my house running semi-normally.

Cliff is working my nerves a little, because I've been spending almost all my time of late taking care of his family, and when I ask him to do something (like get me a glass of tea), you'd think I'd asked him to pull out all his teeth and make a necklace of them for me.

I'm going up to Mom's house tomorrow to sew. Blessed quiet!! I sewed a lot on Saturday too; I finished my daughter's blue tunic dress, hemmed my kirtles, mended my chemise, and sewed Cliff's first dhel, mostly. The dhel is prettier than expected, but I was using it to make sure the pattern worked and to work out kinks, so it has served its purposes and then some.

I have to finish the dhel (recut the sleeves and put on the trim) and sew the other two dhels for which we bought fabric ages ago.

After that, I will have run out of sewing projects, so I'll have to go buy more fabric. *grin*

I need underskirts for two of my kirtles (which came out too short) and a few pairs of trousers to wear under my long tunics and Cliff needs muslin undershirts to wear under his dhels. He's just going to have to wear regular t-shirts for now, until I can buy the muslin.

I also need to make my Halloween costume. I'm going to go as a (rather full-figured) mermaid, so I have to make myself a tail. The party we've been invited to is adults-only, so my hair will do for the top half of my costume.

Then I want to sew up some mundanes; I bought a pattern for an outfit (a tunic top and trousers) that I want to make a few copies of just to wear. The outfit looks super comfy.

I'm tired; it's past my bedtime. *yawn*

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azdesertrose

October 2012

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