azdesertrose: (Default)
So yay, my tarot box from [livejournal.com profile] wood_artist arrived today, along with a nice little email from him explaining how to open it!

For those who haven't followed the workings on his LJ, here's what it looks like.

From the outside:

Closed

From the inside:

Open

And with my tarot stuff inside:

Full

It's so pretty, and it's purple (my favorite color)!

Thank you so much, C!!!
azdesertrose: (Default)
Sorry. I is a space cadet and completely forgot to say Happy Birthday to [livejournal.com profile] peter_lorax.

And Happy Birthday a day early to [livejournal.com profile] irish_kipley!
azdesertrose: (Default)
I still feel the effects of my ritual. I'm not quite as tingly with the power any more but I still feel wonderfully calm. I slept beautifully.

To all the survivors on my friends-list, I highly recommend doing something like that for yourself, within your own belief structure. You don't have to copy me exactly; write something that fits you. Reject your abuser(s). Take back your power. Reclaim yourself. It really does feel great.

In less wonderful news, Nicholas and Cliff both have some nasty cold/flu type thing. I just hope I don't catch it because the last thing I need is to be sick and trying to take care of both of their sick behinds. :)
azdesertrose: (Default)
I marked a circle in Rip and Jen's backyard by raking leaves into about a six-foot circle. I used a small table for the altar, put my purity candle on it, our black and white balance eggs, an incense burner I borrowed from Jen because I forgot ours, and the cauldron in the center.

I set a yellow candle at East, a red candle at South, a blue candle at West, and a white candle at North (it should have been green but I could not for my life find a green taper).

We all prepared in our own way and read through the ritual. We entered the circle and I lit the purity candle.

I prayed.
"The presence of the noble Deity extends everywhere,
Throughout many strange, magical,
And beautiful worlds,
To all places of wilderness, enchantment, and freedom."

I took the East Candle out of the ground, lit it from the purity candle, put it back in the ground, and invoked protection.
“Protector of the East, watch over this ritual of healing.
The winds are the Deity's servants."
Nicholas did the same thing with the South Candle and invoked protection.
"Protector of the South, watch over this ritual of healing.
At all blessings and desire
The sun brings forth life anew."
Jen did the same with the West Candle and invoked protection.
"Protector of the West, watch over this ritual of healing.
The seas are the domain of our Serene Creator,
The mysteries of the depths are the Deity's alone."
Cliff did the same with the North Candle, and invoked protection.
"Protector of the North, watch over this ritual of healing.
The Deity is awesome,
The Powers of death bow before the Creator."

I pointed my hand with my first two fingers extended and walked from East to South to West to North and back to East to cast the circle and then said:
"The circle is sealed, and all herein
Are totally and completely apart
From the outside world,
That we may glorify the Creator whom we adore.
Blessed Be!"
Everyone else repeated: "Blessed Be!"

We all faced East and chanted:
"As above, so below
As the universe, so the soul.
As without, so within.
Blessed and gracious one,
On this day do we consecrate to you
Our bodies,
Our minds,
And our spirits.
Blessed Be!"

I took the parchment that I'd written the banishing and read it.

"He raped my body and soul.
He stole my childhood.
He locked me in pain for twenty years.
I banish him from my soul.
I banish him from my body.
I reject the pain and terror he caused me.
I reject the grip he has held on my life.
I reclaim my body in the name of the Deity of Love.
I reclaim my soul in the name of the Deity of Strength.
I reclaim my name in the name of the Deity of Power.
William Linwood Parrish, you no longer have power over me.
I am a woman, the bearer of life, and I banish your destruction.
I am Nora Holland Parrish, and I am stronger than your evil.
I am stronger than your evil.
Selah. Amen."

I then lit it on fire with the purity candle and let it burn in the cauldron (almost burnt myself because the cauldron is little and I was trying to keep all the parchment paper ashes in it).

We all prayed about three times as it burnt:
“Let the sacred flame destroy that which causes pain and harm.
“Let the sacred flame bring healing where there was hurt.”

When the paper was burnt, we meditated for a few minutes, and then we all turned North and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the North for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Cliff extinguished the North Candle.

We all turned West and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the West for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Jen extinguished the West Candle.

We all turned South and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the South for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then Nicholas extinguished the South Candle.

We all turned East and said: “We thank you, Guardian of the East for your guidance and protection and power. We bid you hail and farewell.” Then I extinguished the East Candle.

Then I prayed:
"Our rite draws to its end.
O lovely and gracious Deity,
Be with each of us as we depart.
The circle is broken!"

I felt the power moving within me while we did the ritual. As the parchment paper burnt, my whole body tingled with power. I can still feel it.

I prayed so hard off and on all day today for this to help. I really think it did. I feel so calm. Very alert, but calm.

Rip chose not to participate in the ritual because he felt that his energy would mess it up, so he stayed outside the circle, and I asked him to direct his power as best he could toward focusing on the success of the ritual.

I want to publicly thank Rip and Jen for letting me use their yard for a private yet outdoor setting for my healing ritual. I also want to publicly thank Nicholas, Cliff, and Jen for helping me perform the ritual.

I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel free.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I think I know what triggered all this mess with the body memories and the depression over the abuse.

The father-daughter dance at Jen's wedding.

It was beautiful. Jen so lovely in her absolutely magnificent wedding gown with her beautiful hair freshly hennaed and styled so beautifully and Jen's dad so handsome and distinguished in his Navy dress whites. (He's a retired Master Chief.)

It's something I'll never have. For one thing, with my love life the way it is, I'll never have a traditional wedding. I'm deeply in love with two men, both of whom want to make a lifetime commitment to me. So that may not fly with my family at all.

For another, my own father is completely out of the question insofar as a father-daughter dance, and you can't drag my stepdad onto a dance floor unless he's half lit which he doesn't do any more (he never made a habit of it anyway) since he's been diagnosed as diabetic. (Alcoholic drinks can really fuck up your blood sugar, especially for diabetics.) Mini-me might be able to get him to do the dad stuff when she gets married, but she is much more his darling than I ever was, not that I doubt that he loves me, and not that she doesn't deserve his adoration.

So I think I've been grieving what never was and never could be. My father has never been more than a mean-tempered drunk who abused all four of his children (my brothers bear their scars too), and I don't know if he ever loved any of us.

I tried to love him. I wanted to love my daddy. But you can only waste so much love on someone who doesn't love you back.

Bill is the closest thing I've got to a dad. He's always been there to help me fix my car and bail me out when I've fucked up, and he's done all the dad things. He's been everything I could ever have wanted and then some in a grandfather to my daughter. For a man who never wanted children of his own, he did a damn good job trying to bring me up right and he's done an even better job with Mini-me, who is far less screwed up than I am anyway. We don't agree on everything; I turned out a lot more politically and socially liberal than he's really comfortable with, but he loves me and I love him. I just doubt he'd dance at my highly untraditional wedding.

I just have to be happy with that. I have to find a way to make my peace with what I don't have and be happy with what I do have.

This is the song I'd use for the father-daughter dance, if Bill would do it.

When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new
It always winds up feeling more like a job interview
My momma used to wonder if she'd ever meet someone
Who wouldn't find out about me and then turn around and run

I met the man I call my dad when I was five years old
He took my mom out to a movie and for once I got to go
A few months later, I remember lying there in bed
I overheard him pop the question and I prayed that she'd say yes

And then, all of a sudden, oh it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something's missing to a family
Looking back, all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted something more
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in

And now, all of a sudden, oh it seems so strange to me
How we've gone from something's missing to a family
Looking through the glass, I think about the man that's standing next to me
And I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be

And looking back all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
Yeah, I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
Because he didn't have to be
You know he didn't have to be
azdesertrose: (Default)
So I got Nicholas to agree that if I work on my physical and mental health, he'll lay off me about the smoking for a while, until I can get to a more settled place mentally where I feel I can let go of the nicotine crutch.

So Nicholas and I are going to form the habit of sharing walks, or if the weather is too crappy for walking outside, I'll do my yoga thing on Yourself! Fitness. I'm going to work on cooking low fat, high fiber, heavy on the lean meat, whole grains, and fresh veggies kinds of suppers.

I'm also going back to counseling. I have three appointments next week to check out counselors to see if they will be able to help me.

That's going to be a lot of difficult emotional work. I'm going to have to drag up memories of what my dad and ex-husband did to me that I'd rather not think about, but I'm dreaming about them anyway, so I have to deal with them. I have to learn to love myself and nurture myself in a way that I have never done. Nobody's going to do it for me. Cliff and Nicholas and Jen can stand by me and hug me and help me hold myself up, but in the end, I have to do the hard work.

Nobody can do it but me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
After I wrote the last entry, I took an overdose of Klonopin and had to be rushed to the hospital. I just got home this morning.

I'm doing better now. I just felt like everybody was angry at me over things I don't know how to fix.

I'm going to go back into counseling. I have to learn to cope better than I'm doing, or one of these days, I will kill myself. I had every intention of doing it the other day, and I was already feeling the effects of the overdose when I told Nicholas what I'd done.

Oh, and [livejournal.com profile] karmic_serenity, thanks so much for the hug. It's going to stay on my profile page as long as LJ will let it.

Anyway, I have to learn some better ways to cope with anxiety and frustration and I have to learn how to get past my communication blocks. Sometimes I just can't talk even when I desperately need to. So off to counseling I go. I'm going to check out a couple of different counselors and see which one I think fits me best and then start going on a regular basis.

*le sigh*

Oct. 28th, 2008 03:01 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I am going crazier than normal here.

I feel like I'm being asked to make a lot of changes at the same time and I'm overwhelmed.

Nicholas and Cliff both want me to stop smoking and cut down my caffeine intake. (I go through tea like a motherfucker.)

Cliff wants me to be more attentive to him (which I've been trying to do but apparently not well enough) and to be more conscious of the BDSM aspect of our relationship.

BDSM and sex, skip it if you like )

And in addition to the changes Cliff wants to make in our relationship, and the changes they both want me to make related to my health, I'm having to change the way I run the household, because Nicholas is here, and I have to buy enough food for five people now, not four. I have one more person to consider when I plan the menu and buy groceries, and there are certain things that Nicholas eats and drinks that the rest of us don't, really. (For example, he likes soy milk on his breakfast cereal.) It doesn't bother me to make these changes, but it's taking me a little time to change my way of thinking about the household stuff.

I also don't get as much time as I used to get to putter around on the computer. I used to spend a LOT of time on IRC chatting with Mike and Kevin and various others, and now I only get to duck in every couple of days. I miss my guys.

I just feel like I'm spread rather thinly these days, I guess. I have to spend time with Cliff and with Nicholas and we need trio time and I occasionally need alone time and I haven't seen Jen since the wedding. I have seen Mini-me twice in the last month.

That's a whole different can of worms. I have yet to introduce Nicholas and Mini-me, and I have yet to attempt to explain Nicholas' role in my life. She is pretty laid-back and cool, but I'm wondering how "Mom is poly" is going to fly with her. It would be different if she'd been born into a poly family, but having it thrust on her when she's most of the way grown might not go so well.

So in addition to the daily demands on my time, I need some Jen time, and I need some mom-and-daughter time with Mini-me.

There just aren't enough hours in a day any more.

I don't want to schedule people's emotional needs as if I'm some sort of executive penciling things into her day-planner. But something's got to give here. I just don't want to shortchange anybody in my life, and it feels like everybody's getting shortchanged right now, including me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
One of my friends is deeply depressed and possibly suicidal.

And I can't do anything about it.

This sucks. There's nothing I can do to improve his situation, and there's nothing I can do to help except be a shoulder to cry on and give him lots of virtual hugs. (He lives in Connecticut and I live in Florida.) I hate feeling this helpless, especially with someone I consider a brother to me.

Musing

Aug. 16th, 2008 06:57 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nick has told me some about his family, and they are just appallingly mean to him. His mother is a horrific bitch who regularly reminds him that she regrets not aborting him.

He's a beautiful young man, intelligent and sweet and funny, and he's trying so hard to make something of his life, and all they do is tear him down.

I told him to give me a few months to get Dixie and Nancy into their own place, and then he could come down here and stay and go to school and I'd take care of him.

I'm waiting for him to get online now. He said he had to work today and would be on around 9pm. So two more hours and I get to talk to him.

He's coming to visit the last weekend this month (two weekends from now); I can't wait.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, today was payday so we spent it running all over town.

Cliff was hanging out with me last night while I was chatting with Nick and he kept cracking up laughing at some of the things Nick said to me. Nick has a great sense of humor, and he is very witty and sometimes just plain funny.

I'm hoping I'll see him in chat today but he had shit to do so maybe not.

Oh boy.

Aug. 14th, 2008 12:29 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, Nick is coming to visit the last weekend of this month. Now if I can just get Dixie and Nancy out of the house for that weekend so their nosy asses won't wonder why Nick is in our bedroom.

I need to have a chat with Cliff though. He referred to Nick as my "playtoy", and I didn't care for that too much. I don't treat people like playthings; that's cruel. I'm debating about how to tell Cliff that I feel that I can come to love Nick without taking anything away from my love for Cliff.

I told Nick that Cliff and I are in it together for the long haul, and I think Nick understands that Cliff is my number one (except for my daughter), but Nick said he's happy just to be with me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nick and Cliff played World of Warcrack (World of Warcraft, properly) last night to meet each other. Neither of them will tell me what they talked about in chat. Oh well, I guess it's none of my beeswax anyway; I do not have to know everything, as nosy as I can be at times.

Perils of being a gamer chick. You attract gamer guys! :D At least I attract good gamer guys, that shower regularly and can behave themselves in civilized company.

Nick loved his e-card; he said he was "grinning like an idiot" after he got it. I love e-cards; it's such an easy way to brighten someone's day.

Jen's bridal shower is Saturday, so on payday (Friday) I have to go buy her a present. I need to call her sister, Annette, and say that I'll be there.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I sent Nick an e-card just to let him know I'm thinking about him. It had a really cute little lion cub on it and said "You make me feel all warm and fuzzy."

Cut for talk of sex and BDSM )

The only fly in the ointment as far as I can see is that Nick is black, and Cliff and I are white (well, I'm part Cherokee, but mostly white), and my parents will not be thrilled. But fuck it. I'm 32 years old; I can do what I damn well please with whomever I damn well please. And my parents don't need to know that Nick has joined Cliff and me in our relationship; as far as they're concerned he can be our roommate, a friend who needed a place to stay while he finishes college.

I talked to my friend whom I fear is suicidal. He just got some good news that seems to have improved his mood and situation considerably, so perhaps I don't have to worry about him quite so much. I sent him an e-card too, just to let him know that I'm his friend and I'm here for him when he needs a friend.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I slept late today and I'm afraid I missed Nick on IRC. I hope I didn't. Or, if he was on earlier and gave up on me showing up because I slept late, hopefully he'll log back in.

Talk of cyber sex, TMI alert, so don't read this if you're upset by sex or polyamory. )

Mike emailed me that he isn't feeling well today, so he's not in chat. I miss him but I understand about feeling like shit.

Jen's bridal shower is Saturday. I have to call her and find out where she's registered so I can buy her a present on Friday when Cliff gets paid. (She and Rip are handfasted, and are getting legally married in October, but they call each other "my husband" and "my wife", and they are married in their own religious paths, just not in the eyes of the government.) I just text messaged her to find out where she's registered. She usually returns a text faster than a phone call anyway.

Impatient

Aug. 10th, 2008 01:40 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I guess Nick's still painting that deck.

I'm so impatient for him to get online. I want to talk to him.

I'm so glad Cliff is cool with this, or at least cool with exploring it.

I gave Nick my cell phone number. It would be cool if he'd call me. I'd like to know what his voice sounds like.

I'm all excited. I can't sit still.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, he's interested in joining Cliff and me, assuming he and Cliff hit it off. They do have a lot of common interests, so I think they will.

His name is Nick, and I'm wishing he'd get online and chat with me. He said last night that he had to paint a deck this morning, so I don't suppose he'll be on for a while.

And Cliff is cool with exploring the possibility at least, so we shall see what happens.

The crush

Aug. 9th, 2008 11:39 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, I wound up emailing him that I'd heard he had a crush on me, and telling him that I really can't offer him more than friends with privileges unless he's willing to consider being a second in Cliff's and my relationship. Now I'm waiting for him to email me back.

He does seem to be interested in possibly moving down here (he's in North Carolina right now). When I told him about the colleges down here (he's a college student), he wanted to look up their web sites.

I guess we shall see.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I just found out that one of the chatters (a younger bi man) from the GLBT chatroom has a crush on me.

The problem is, I find him attractive too. He's bright and funny and our senses of humor run in similar channels. He sent me pictures of himself a while back, and I even think he's cute.

But I get the impression from what he said that he wants a relationship, not just something like friends with privileges, and I'm not sure I've got that to offer. I'd have to talk to Cliff about bringing someone else into our relationship. We're not opposed to a polyamorous relationship. In fact, he's talked about wanting another woman permanently in our relationship, so I'd have a woman lover for when I want that, and because he'd enjoy having a F/F/M threesome. He's not as enthused about M/M/F, although he's not opposed to it either.

But Cliff will always come first with me, as far as romantic/sexual love is concerned. (My daughter is at the head of the list for coming first with me period.) And I wonder if I can offer this young man a fair shake when he'd always be in second place.

But he's so smart and funny and sweet. I don't want to hurt his feelings, and I don't want to toy with him either. I wonder what the hell I can do; what can I offer him that won't hurt him?
azdesertrose: (Default)
Still worried about my suicidal friend. Had a long conversation with him last night, and I'm not worried that he's going to do it any time really soon, but if things don't get better for him and quick, I'll be using my disability back payments to attend his funeral, or visit his grave if I can't make it to the funeral. I can't seem to make him see that his problems do not mean he has to die to make things better and that his death will be a great loss. I tried. Believe me, I tried.

And I'm not going to stop trying.

Also worried about my meds. I only have about a week's worth of Invega left, and I owe my psyhchiatrist money, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to get more. And being off the Invega is BAD FOR ME. I have panic attacks, and within a few days the psychotic symptoms return, the hallucinations and paranoia and stuff. It really sucks. I think I'm going to start taking it every other day to stretch the meds out, because missing it for one day doesn't seem to hurt anything, but about three days and I'm a mess.

And as always, money is a stressor. Hopefully we'll be able with Cliff's next paycheck to pay what I owe my psychiatrist and I can get my meds. I don't know what I'm going to do if we can't. Stretched the grocery budget to its limits. Bleah.

Worry worry worry.

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