Jan. 3rd, 2010 04:52 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Another off day. I still don't feel well physically, and I still feel generally sad.



Apr. 3rd, 2009 01:41 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I don't quite know how to put into words what I'm feeling right now. I'm physically tired but I can't sleep because my brain will NOT SHUT UP.

I read Beloved by Toni Morrison, and it is a very haunting story. Beautifully written and incredibly important, but the story weighs on the mind.

I see what the world is. I see the hatred. I know I should fight it. I know that even if my fighting will not fix it, I should fight anyway.

But part of me wants to just go hide somewhere. To hide from the hatred. To cover my head with the blankets and never look up again.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Still feeling quite depressed. I'm sleeping a lot to avoid "bad thoughts". Cliff has confiscated my Klonopin so I don't "do anything stupid."

I hate crying as much as I have been here lately. I feel like a hosepipe.

Cliff thinks I need to work up another healing ritual for myself. I don't disagree, I'm just not sure what it would look like.

My prayers to the Deity here lately have been a real hodgepodge of wishing this life would end and wishing I could find a way out of my pain and depression.

I'm trying to hang on; I really am, but it's hard. It seems like the depression is an entity unto itself and it can overwhelm me whenever it likes.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Still having tummy trouble.

Still also contemplating some sort of spiritual work for myself but not sure exactly what.

I feel kind of lonely today, not sure why. I'm cramping and just not feeling particularly sociable.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, today is my 33rd birthday. Whee.

I'm just not enthused about it. Nicholas is going to bake my cake for me; I was going to bake it myself and he said that no one should have to bake their own birthday cake. Pineapple upside down cake. I know it's kind of a weird cake for birthday cake but it was what I felt like.

My parents will probably take me out to dinner at some point this week. Mom called me yesterday to ask me what I wanted to do and I told her I'd rather wait a few days because I'm still getting over this sinusitis/bronchitis thing. I'm trying to figure out where I want them to take me.

I'm tired from crying, but I can't sleep. I still feel like hurting myself but I won't do it. I just want to. I guess general depression can account for the fact that I'm just not feeling my birthday.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I've been sick again. I caught some horrible sinusitis/bronchitis thing and I'm still getting over it.

There's been a lot going on but I just can't explain it all.

I'm badly depressed and fighting suicidal and self-harm thoughts really hard.

So just please send me hugs.

I'm trying. Really I am. But the darkness is so strong and so cunning and so patient. I just don't know if I can fight any more. I'm trying.


Dec. 22nd, 2008 04:39 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Cliff seems to be trying to change his mind about kicking me out, but this is about the fifth time he's told me to get out. I can only take being told to fuck off so many times, no matter how much I love somebody.

Basically, the problem is that he's jealous of Nicholas and the time I spend with Nicholas. But what I tried to tell him is that Nicholas actually acts like he's interested in me. Cliff just wants me to be in the same room but not actually talk to me or pay attention to me. Why shouldn't I prefer to be with somebody who actually wants to talk to me?

I'm thinking about not going back on the Invega. Now that I'm over the withdrawals for the most part, I'm not having any hallucinations or paranoia, so I'm wondering why I need to take it.

Nicholas and I are looking at getting an apartment with Aysha, his other young lady. I think it will be better this way.

I still want to cry a lot, but it feels more like grief for something that's over.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I just had it shown to me that my startle reflex is much more sensitive right now than normal.

Cliff dropped a lid to a cooking pot and the noise scared me so bad I nearly jumped out of my chair and threw my headset off my head. I'm still shaking from the start.

This almost feels like an emotional migraine. When I have a migraine, light and noise bother me and my stomach gets upset so I don't eat. Well, I'm not eating to speak of because I just can't make myself do it, and my startle responses are way out of whack. It just feels like everything's too intense for me to handle. It makes me want to go hide in bed with the covers over my eyes, even though I can't breathe with the covers over my face.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel like nobody wants to talk to me or be near me.

I would really like to hurt myself in some fashion. I've been fighting off the urge to cut for days. I wish I could smoke a cigarette but I can't do that either.

I'm feeling kind of mildly suicidal. The thought of killing myself kind of idly crosses my mind from time to time, like everybody would be better off if I were dead. I don't think I need to go to the hospital just yet. I'm not looking for something to overdose on or poison myself with. I just feel like I'm unloved and unlovable and like nobody wants me around.


Dec. 19th, 2008 09:09 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel kind of dead inside today. I just feel very flat.

Nothing makes me smile. I tried to make myself laugh by watching a comedy clip. It's still funny but I can't make myself smile or laugh.

I don't really want to cry either. I just feel dead.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm feeling very overwhelmed of late and very much like giving up. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anybody, and no matter what I try, people (read: Cliff and/or Nicholas) are angry with me.

I've done a cut of my friends page. It's not that I changed my mind about whom I like or don't like; I'm just trying to keep things as positive as possible. So if I've cut you, don't get bent out of shape. It's not that I don't like you any more; in most cases, it's that either you don't post any more or you post a lot of negative things that I just can't take at this juncture. Most of my entries are public anyway, so feel free to keep me friended and continue reading and commenting if you like.

I didn't walk today and now it's getting dark and I don't like to walk after dark because I get scared and nobody will go with me except the dog. I really should feel pretty secure with CC's company, because as protective as he is, you'd better come at me with a gun or a moving vehicle if you intend to get past him. Anything less than lethal force is going to get you torn the hell up by one very protective dog.

I've been thinking about my weight a lot today. I've really let it get out of control. I don't even look like myself any more, I've gotten so heavy.

I've never been skinny. I'm tall and big-boned and I have big breasts and wide hips. I've always had to work out to stay reasonably slim and fit within the confines of my statuesque looks. The lightest I've been as an adult was 165 lbs, at which weight I wore a size 10-12 dress, and that's about as skinny as I need to be.


That's me at 165 and Mini-me at age 4 1/2. That dress was actually a size 8, but it was a fairly full-cut 8, although it fit me a bit tightly across the bosom. (And yes, I know, the glasses frames are really dated and not particularly flattering.) It doesn't really show you my figure because of the way Mini-me and I are sitting, but trust me, I still had tittays and junk in the trunk. I have some pictures from that time frame that do show my figure a bit better but they're under the bed in my parents' spare bedroom, where they will probably stay until I go up to my parents' house and use their scanner to scan in 20 or so years' worth of snapshots and other pictures. My measurements then were 36C-27-39. I don't even want to know what they are right now.

That's as skinny as I need to be. I've had people tell me that's too skinny.

I've also been giving some thought to my fashion sense or lack thereof at present. Right now, being disabled and broke, I don't leave the house much so I don't see any point in dressing any special way. I mostly wear t-shirts and either sweats or capris depending on the weather. About the only thing I really care about is that the shirt not clash with the bottoms.

I really like the fashions of the late 1940s into the 1950s. They're designed to show off an adult woman's figure, and even at my slimmest, I definitely have an adult woman's figure.

I'm thinking about, as I lose weight from the walking and stuff, starting to sew my own New Look/just-post-WWII influenced clothes, clothes meant to flatter a figure like mine, rather than trying to force my too-full figure into the skinny-girl, no-boobs, no-butt look that's popular today.

I'll still keep my t-shirts and sweats for hanging around the house or gardening or whatever, but I think I'm going to start researching sewing patterns for those kinds of clothes, for the times when I want to dress up and look good.

My mother and grandmother both have/had great fashion sense. My mother is one of those women who won't go down the driveway to the mailbox without full makeup and her hair done. I just can't fuss over myself that much. I never could, even in periods less depressive than present. And with the depression fight I'm in now, it's hard to make myself comb my hair and brush my teeth every day, much less put on makeup (makeup? When the hell do I wear makeup?) or do anything special with my hair. My grandmother, requiescat in pacem, did not wear much makeup as she came from a generation in which makeup was considered a bit trashy (powder, lipstick, and nail polish was about the extent of it), but she didn't leave the house without her hair done, her face powdered, her lips rosy, her hands manicured, and her shoes and bag matching her outfit. I kid you not, when we cleaned out her house after she died, we found no less than 100 pairs of shoes and 80 handbags in a veritable rainbow of colors and a broad spectrum of styles. (We also found what appears to have been a journal for every year of her life from the age of 18 or so until her death just shy of 78. I hope my aunt still has those. I asked her to keep them for me because I want them but I have no place to put them.)

Anyway, both of them for all appearances could color-coordinate in their sleep.

I've never felt feminine or pretty. I've always thought I was too tall and too big to be feminine, and I've always thought that my exotic (to put it nicely) facial features made me look kind of weird, although I've been told numerous times that I'm far from ugly. I'm not delicate or petite or any of the things that women are supposed to be. I'm as tall as (or in some cases taller than) a lot of men, and it just makes me feel like I'm not a real girl. Real girls are delicate and pretty, and I'm just not.

I guess I sort of hope that developing my own fashions, from designs meant to flatter a fuller figure, will make me feel feminine and/or pretty.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel shaky, physically and emotionally. I'm having to force my hands to stop shaking and type.

Nicholas and I had a talk today; we've both noticed that we've sort of emotionally disconnected from each other.

It's my fault. If I weren't so unstable, I wouldn't have alienated him the way I have.

I don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry. I'm fighting urges to cut myself, and the only thing that's kept me from taking a knife out of the kitchen and taking it to my wrist is that I'd get caught because Cliff is in the kitchen cooking supper. Part of me wants to sit out on the back steps and be as cold on the outside as I feel on the inside. (It's pretty cool for Florida right now, and getting cooler as the sun descends.)

I don't want to lose Nicholas, but I'm sort of afraid I already have. He's met someone else, which does not in and of itself perturb me. He shares me with Cliff so why shouldn't I have to share him? What perturbs me is that SHE might not be willing to share him with me, and he might choose (young, pretty, stable) her over crazy old me. I swore when I started this with him that I would not stand in the way of him and happiness, even if it meant losing him to someone younger and prettier and with far less baggage.

Part of me wants so badly to dissociate, just disconnect from everything until I fall asleep and face it all later, but that won't help.

I feel scared and alone and I don't know what to do.


Dec. 11th, 2008 01:54 am
azdesertrose: (Default)
I talked to Nicholas after I posted the last entry. He was upset that I said I wasn't sure if he loved or hated me. He said he doesn't hate me and is just trying to help me.

Part of the problem is that I have to make a lot of changes at once and it's hard for me to work on me and keep up my relationships as well. I'm trying to re-learn to love myself while loving other people too, and it's just tough going.

Nicholas fussed at me recently about my lack of self-love, and I told him I'd been taught in elementary school that loving oneself was selfish, that you should put yourself last, after God and others. Now, I no longer believe in the Christian God (I went to a Bible-thumping Baptist private elementary school and was reared United Methodist), but certain things from my upbringing stay with me. The combination of that schooling and my father's behavior toward me really makes it hard to realize that it's okay to love me.

So I have to learn to love me, and to take care of me.

I'm trying to change the way I behave toward myself, the neglectful way I treat my body. I can't exercise right now because I'm still getting over the damn strep throat, but as soon as I'm over that I'm going to start exercising (walking or something) for half an hour a day, and now that I have my guitar, I'm going to spend at least an hour a day learning to play it.

As previously mentioned, I need to rediscover my sense of fun and silliness. When my daughter was little, I did any number of silly, fun things with her. Now that she's older, some of the things we used to do are no longer amusing to her, but I still need to learn to let myself be silly sometimes.

I guess I also have to learn to balance taking care of me with taking care of everybody else.

It's just a lot, and sometimes I feel really overwhelmed by it all.

I also need to get back into counseling. A couple of days ago I sent off an email to a program here in Florida that helps people disabled by mental illness afford treatments and things to improve their quality of life. Hopefully they'll send me an application so I can get into the program and it will help me pay for my counseling.

Another thing I need to work on is my fear of other people's anger or unhappiness. Any time someone is unhappy or upset or (heaven help) angry with me, I panic. I feel this need to appease their anger. I guess I'm afraid that angry people will hurt me in some way. I suppose I have to let myself understand that people can be angry and NOT want to hurt me even though they're angry at me.

Again, it's just a lot of mental and emotional work, and it's overwhelming and sometimes confusing and frustrating.


Dec. 10th, 2008 02:44 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I don't know what to do.

I can't figure out if Nicholas loves me or hates me or some fucked-up combination of the two. One minute everything is cool, and the next minute, he's mad at me. Or one minute, he's not speaking to me, and the next he wants to make love with me.

The night I came home from my most recent hospitalization, he met me at the door, opened the door for me but didn't so much as say hello. When I sat down in the computer room, he left. He didn't speak to me all evening. We all three piled in bed together and slept for a few hours. He and I woke up around 5am snuggled together and he wanted to talk, so we got up and went in the living room and talked. Everything seemed like we'd straightened things out between the two of us.

But half the time when he talks to me he seems full of contempt and then sometimes he's so sweet and tender with me. It's very confusing and frustrating.

Around 1 this afternoon, I went to smoke a cigarette and he snatched it out of my hand and said I had to wait until 2. At 2, I went to smoke the cigarette, and he said that he'd changed his mind, that I had to wait until 2:30. At 2:30 I asked to have my cigarette back so I could smoke, and he gave it to me but told me not to speak to him.

I just don't know what to do. It seems like no matter what I do I piss somebody off, usually either Cliff or Nicholas. It really kills my motivation to feel like I can't do anything right. It makes me not want to do anything at all.
azdesertrose: (Default)
That's what the last few days have been.

Nicholas and I had a talk an hour or so ago and we're back together. He's about two feet from me now, here in the computer room. I guess where there's love and communication, anything is possible.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks for the hugs.

ETA: Oh, in "happy list" news, my mother is going to pay my guitar out of layaway as an early birthday present to me. (My birthday is in January.) So thanks, Mom.


Dec. 8th, 2008 11:43 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
I don't know what to do. I wish I could sleep.

Nicholas is still not even talking to me, so I couldn't relax in bed (we all three sleep in the same bed).

I tried to watch a movie but I just couldn't follow it because all I can think about is how I've failed.

I'm lost and I'm afraid that there's no way back. I can't find it, anyway.

I just want to sleep and not have to think any more.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I feel very alone and scared right now. Any hugs would be greatly appreciated.

ETA: I got a real hug from Cliff when he got home from work, but I'll still take any virtual hugs anybody wants to give me.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Hospital yet again.

I cracked up this weekend. Friday I lost it in the car, and by Saturday I felt so crappy, physically and emotionally, that I spent hours driving nowhere and finally checked myself into the hospital.

Nicholas can't stand to be in the same room with me any more; needless to say, he has given up on me. Cliff is close to it himself. He almost didn't let me come back home from the hospital.

I don't know what to do. I want to be better than this, but I don't know how.

I can't afford counseling, and I just don't know what to do.
azdesertrose: (Don't Give a Damn)
I really need to bathe, do something with my hair, and go to the grocery store.

I just can't make myself care very much today.
azdesertrose: (Default)
It feels weird not to think of my father any more. It's nice, don't get me wrong. It just feels strange.

It feels free, and it's strange and almost scary to feel free.

I've just got a lot going on mentally right now that I can't really put into words.

ETA: Nicholas says that I should do more magic, that I seem much calmer after my ritual and, that while I don't have to do anything quite that major all the time, he'd like to see me engaging my spiritual side more.

Part of the reason I don't is Dixie and Nancy. They're both Christians and not particularly comfortable with Cliff's and my pagan faiths. Cliff was raised Baptist and I was raised Methodist, so we've both rejected Christianity, and I think deep in her heart, Dixie believes we're both going to Hell. I'm not sure what Nancy thinks. I've heard her discuss religion with her friend Jon, who is a devout Catholic (yikes!), but she's never spoken to me (or Cliff in my range of hearing) about it. They'd flip if they knew I own a Tarot deck (which is the only Tarot deck Cliff will touch; he says it talks to him because I don't play with it enough) or that Cliff uses runestones to cast. The divination articles stay in our room, and we don't have an altar in our home at this time because they would be so uncomfortable with such open pagan-ness. (Nicholas is also pagan, BTW, although all three of us follow different paths. I'm a straight-up eclectic, there's no other word for it, Cliff is kind of a semi-eclectic Asatru-Wicca cross, and Nicholas follows thelema.)

Cliff had never done any public ritual work until he helped me with my ritual, although he consults his goddess, Freya, on a regular basis. He wears a fair-sized pentagram (although he left it on his nightstand today) for which he has taken some flak at work, because his bosses are devout Baptists. Somebody asked him if he was a devil-worshiper. (How ignorant?!!?)

My banishing/healing ritual was actually only the second public ritual I've worked. The first was Jen and Rip's handfasting, and I really just went through the motions at that one because I didn't quite know what I was doing. I just said what I was told to say; the priestess said later that she called the quarter for me because she knew I felt lost, so at least my ignorance at the time didn't mess up the ceremony. I'd have felt bad if I thought I'd messed up their ceremony.

For my ritual, I looked up a basic ritual framework and then customized it (quite a bit, in fact) to meet my specific needs and beliefs. It worked, as slapdash and short-notice as it was.

I wish we could have an altar here in the house, or a permanent circle in the yard or something like that. We don't really have enough yard for the circle. I'm actually more comfortable with having a circle in the yard, because I prefer to work outdoors, barefoot, and skyclad if at all possible. But no yard to speak of means no space for the circle and no fence so we could hang out nakie. :)

It's becoming increasingly clear since Nicholas came to stay that we need either a bigger place or Nancy and Dixie to get the hell out of our house, preferably both.

I need to start meditating again, probably over my Tarot deck some too. It is keyed to me, and it does read well for me. I keep it wrapped in purple silk, and I spread out the purple silk cloth to read on. It actually never touches anything but the silk and my hands, except the one time Cliff asked me to read for him and he handled it. Other than that, it has literally never been touched by anything but its original packaging, the bag it came with (until I accidentally ripped the bag and haven't sewn it back together), the silk, and my hands. I'm very picky about who touches my deck. Rip won't handle anybody's deck but his own because he says he messes up Tarot decks.

I don't think I have a point any more. I'm just rambling, so I guess I'll shut up.


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