azdesertrose: (Default)
I can't go to bed because I have to stay up to pick up Cliff from work whenever he gets off, so I'm going to ramble.

I moderate a GLBT chatroom, and one of the regular chatters was afraid to tell me she's trans. I mean, really, why would I moderate a GLBT chatroom if I had a problem with transgendered people? I recognized something when she logged on, and her nickname as her pen name for stories she's written for a trans fiction archive that she sent me to before I knew she was trans. But really, why would a straight man (what I assumed she was--and we all know what we get when we assume) write trans fiction under a female pen name? I should have figured it out from that. I never asked outright because I think that's a little rude, but when she started logging into chat under the female name, I figured it out. And rather than carry on pretending I didn't recognize her, I just private messaged her and said "Hi (old masculine nick)! I recognized your nick from your stories." I think I startled her at first, but she said she thought people might figure it out. Why would I give a damn? I can see why her wife and kids might have a problem, but why would I? It doesn't change that she's an intelligent, kind person with a good sense of humor and some common interests with me, which is why I chat with her.

I have a hard time understanding why people hate on the GLBT community. I know that they do, but I have a hard time understanding why. I want to tell the haters, "It's none of your fucking business if someone is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered. Leave us alone to live our lives." (I'm bisexual, so that's why I said us.) It's not like being GLBT makes a difference to someone's ability to do a job, or to their personality, or anything like that. People are who they are regardless of sexual orientation or identity. If someone is an asshole, they'll be an asshole gay, straight, or whatever, and if someone is a sweetheart, they'll be a sweetheart gay, straight, or whatever. If someone is a kind, intelligent person with a good sense of humor, chances are I'll like them, gay, straight, or whatever.

And that bullshit about gay men molesting children. Bullshit. Pedophilia and child molesting are much more common in straight men than in gay men or women of any stripe. (Not to say that there aren't child molesting gay men or women of whatever stripe, but straight men are much more likely to harm a child that way than women or gay men.) And yes, child molesters deserve a special level of hell for hurting kids. But don't hate on gays for it. By and large, they don't do it.

Okay, time to close this out. Cliff called me to pick him up and he's got to be back at work at 9am, so I'll be headed to bed after we get home.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Well, here in a little bit I need to go get myself together so we can go look at the apartment complex. Cliff thinks we won't need to move. I hope we don't have to either. Moving is a pain in the ass, and we have so much shit. It's amazing how much crap you can accumulate in three decades or so of living.


Jul. 25th, 2008 04:46 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
Dixie and Nancy have noticed that Cliff is working weird hours compared to what he was working on the shift. But he doesn't want to tell them he lost his shift, so I just had to tell Nancy to mind her own goddamn business.

This sucks so much. I can't stop smoking; it's the only thing that keeps me from taking a kitchen knife to my wrists. I'm so stressed and anxious.

I think I'm going to go take a Klonopin and have another cigarette and see if that helps any.

Gods this sucks.


Jul. 24th, 2008 05:24 pm
azdesertrose: (Default)
We have an appointment to go look at an apartment that will be about $50 less a month than this place is. Every little bit helps, I guess. The appointment is on Saturday at 1pm.

That's the best I can do, to find a place that is decent, accepts pets, and has washer/dryer connections.

I wish I could find something nice for cheaper but it just doesn't look like it's going to happen.

I'm craving a cig so bad right now I could tear my skin off. I hate that I couldn't buy smokes. This sucks.

I think I'm going to go see if a certain neighbor is home from work and will let me bum one.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm still upset and angry over the Cliff job thing. I seriously don't know how we're going to manage. I don't know what to do.

I want to cry and scream, but that won't accomplish anything, except it might make me feel better.

He doesn't want to tell his mom and sister and I don't know why. Maybe they'd be a little considerate if they knew. Especially his sister who is going to die if she doesn't learn to leave me the fuck alone.

Apparently his erstwhile partner threw him under the bus about the taking two calls at once thing. Lovely. Such nice people. I could kick him right in the balls for this. (Sorry to the men on my list. I don't kick random people in the balls, only people who hurt me, and this hurt my whole household.)

I don't know what we're going to do. I'm scared to death. I have no idea how much money will be on Cliff's next paycheck and there are so many bills to pay, and my money won't come through until probably September at the earliest, maybe not until October or November. And that's assuming Social Security doesn't appeal the judge's decision.

And on top of that, I'm out of my BuSpar and almost out of my Paxil and out of my birth control pills with no way to get more of any of them. I'll be down to Klonopin and Invega. Let's hope that I don't land in the fucking hospital again. That'll be the third time in three months.

I just don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. And I'm so scared.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I bitched to a friend about the whole Cliff work situation. I feel a little better for having bitched.

Cliff says it's his fault. I say it's his bosses' fault for not moving him out of hell (aka Shands Hospital station) when he begged them to after two years there. Nobody else had to stay there for that length of time. And other people have done much more egregious things than he did by taking two calls at once, and they haven't lost their shifts. They're just assholes up there and he doesn't kiss ass so they don't like him. That's what I've decided.

The weather is nasty here. It stormed like all hell a while ago and now it's just kind of rainy and blah. The dog had an absolute fit. The cats didn't give a shit. They never do. The weather is something that happens outside and their world is inside.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I thought we were through with the pissant motherfuckers, but now Leslie is threatening to file identity theft charges against Nancy because somehow Leslie's MySpace (yuk) account got hacked today. Nancy wasn't even home to be on the computer today because Dixie got her money today so we were in the road doing errands. Stupid cunt. (Leslie, I mean.)

So at any rate, I changed Dixie and Nancy's phone numbers so Leslie can't call. NO MORE FUCKING DRAMA, PLEASE!!!!
azdesertrose: (Yay!)
Well, Nancy is finally home. What we finally had to do was borrow gas money and drive up there and get her ourselves. We had two Waycross police officers escort us to the house just in case the pissant motherfuckers decided to pull any additional bullshit or try to make good on their previous threats.

So I spent three hours in my car taking care of this, and Nancy has been made aware of exactly why I'm never doing that again. She is not to visit them ever again, at least while she lives under this roof. She is also clear on why I turned her phone off; I have turned it back on so she can talk to her friends and reschedule her job interview with HellMart.

So the drama finally comes to a close. Whew! I was so sick of that bullshit it's not even funny.

Please, universe, gods, whatever, no more drama. We've had our share for a year or so.
azdesertrose: (WTF?)
Now Nancy's saying she'll be home tomorrow. Cliff said he wants to call the Waycross police and say she's being held against her will, but that would cause more problems than it would solve, as I suspect Nancy knows that the rest of this household is annoyed as shit with her and is avoiding coming home on purpose.

I'm starting to want to slap the shit out of her again, just for being a selfish lying little bitch. Maybe a good hard slap would knock some sense into her. She doesn't care that her mother and brother are worried, she doesn't care that the stress she's causing almost landed me in the hospital, all she cares about is that she's having fun with her friends, pissant motherfuckers that they are.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nancy was supposed to come home today. She now says she'll be home tomorrow.

Supposedly she got sick this morning, throwing up and having diarrhea and that's the reason she didn't come home today. What-the-fuck-ever. It's all such bullshit that I've gotten to where I don't believe a word she says. She keeps lying to us and/or not doing what she says she's going to do that she's destroying whatever trust any of us ever had in her.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm starting to feel a bit less dopey and clumsy from all the meds I took yesterday, between what my psychiatrist told me to take and what they gave me in the ER.

So I think I'll have my brain present for my game tonight (RPG played via chat, yeah, I know, I'm a geek).

Looking forward to gaming; that should be fun, and I haven't had much pure fun in the last few days.

The hallucinations yesterday were really scary. I've never heard voices before, just sounds. But there was one voice that sounded a little like my own that kept saying "It's your fault" over and over again, and then the REALLY scary voice that sounded like my dad's, saying he was going to come back and kill me for telling on him, and that he was going to rape me again and kill me like he should have done in the first place. It was really freaky. I couldn't stop crying, and I clung to Cliff and made him hold me and talk to me, just about anything, work, whatever, just so I'd hear something besides the voices.

Both my psychiatrist and the ER doctor think it was a reaction to all the stress I've been under lately, between the disability hearing being delayed and the bullshit from Nancy and her friends.

Nancy is finally supposed to be home at some point today; Duncan (the bitch friend's pissant boyfriend) has a doctor's appointment in Jacksonville and he was going to bring Nancy home while he's down here for his appointment. We shall see. Hopefully this will all be over soon.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm in a better mood than I was yesterday. The urges to cut have subsided, and I just generally feel better, so that's good.

I'm a little bored though.

I slept for a really long time. I went to bed just to lie down, not to sleep, around 6:30 last night and fell asleep and stayed that way until Cliff woke me up when he came to bed and made me take my night meds. I got up and smoked a cig but went back to bed and stayed there until around 10 this morning.

I had a weird dream about helping break the hold of a bullshitting preacher on an unsuspecting church. I haven't been to church in years; why I would dream about it is unfathomable. Unless of course, Nancy's bullshitting friends are the preacher and Nancy is the church.

I have a nasty infected bug bite on my right middle finger. It hurts. I shouldn't have scratched it open and let it get infected though, so it's my own fault.

In other news, Mike and Charlie are going to get themselves a doggie friend. I've been pinging on Mike for a while about getting a pet because he's prone to depression and anxiety like I am, and pets can be such a wonderful comfort when you're feeling down. They seem to know when you feel bad and hang out with you and want you to pet them. Plus the responsibility of taking care of a pet can get you up in the morning when you feel so bad you want to stay in bed. I'm trying to persuade them to get a shelter dog; it will be less expensive than a pedigree dog and probably a better pet. And most shelters these days make sure the pets are inoculated and spayed or neutered as applicable, so you don't have to worry about that. They've just now gone out to lunch and to the pet store to look at dog supplies.

We have two cats and a dog; the cats are just ordinary domestic shorthair tabby cats. One is a ginger tabby named Tessa and the other is a brown tabby named Sweetie Pie. The dog is a Labrador/American Staffordshire Terrier mix named CC. He looks like a smallish blond Lab.

Anyway, I just wanted to let people know that no, I didn't cut myself yesterday as much as I wanted to, and no, I didn't check myself into the hospital for wanting to cut myself so badly.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
Cliff is home from work; he had a late call so he didn't get off work at 7 like he was supposed to; he got off work around 8 and we didn't get home until almost 9. He stayed up for a while playing around on the computer and then decided to take a nap.

Mike was online earlier but has stepped out. I don't know where Kevin (of Stupid Friggin Wacko fame) is; he hasn't been on since the chat transcript I posted yesterday.

I'm lonely. I'm tempted to go snuggle Cliff just to feel less lonely, not because I want to go to bed right now.

I've been feeling the crawly sensations on my skin again when there's nothing there. I don't like that feeling. It makes me want to scratch my skin off.

I finally washed my hair last night after leaving it unwashed for two weeks and two days. Yuck. It was greasy and yucky and needed a wash. Why do I do that to myself? What makes me think I shouldn't take care of my body? And I love my hair. It's my favorite thing about my body. So what is making me not take care of it?

I had to reschedule my counseling appointment (AGAIN) because I don't have the money to pay for it but I will next week, so I'll go then. I really need to go. I haven't been since right before the last time I was in the hospital.

I probably also need to see my psychiatrist about the crawly feelings and the ongoing depression and anxiety. I don't think my meds are really cutting it any more. But I can't make an appointment with her until I pay for the last two appointments. I swear I paid for the one in January but I can't find the receipt and they say I didn't pay so I have to pay again, and then I also have to pay for the one in April.

Why are things really only okay for a little while? I felt all right in April and then all of a sudden I fell apart completely and wound up in the hospital again because I thought I was going to take my sharpest kitchen knife and gash my arms open until I bled all over everywhere. I really wanted to; I wanted to hurt myself, and I wanted to see the blood, lots and lots of blood. It was very disturbing and upsetting.

I kind of want to hurt myself now; I wish I had a razor blade to make little cuts with, just lots of little cuts. Razor blades are comforting for the little cuts, and it's so easy to make little cuts with a razor blade.

Nancy is such an inconsiderate little pain in the ass; she doesn't think about anybody but herself. She's upsetting her mother and her brother, and all this bullshit drama she and her pissant motherfucker friends have been causing isn't doing me any good either.

Delayed reactions strike again; I'm finally breaking down from all the stress over Nancy.

Mike's back online, so at least I have someone to talk to now. Now I'll feel a little less lonely. Still depressed and anxious, but less lonely.
azdesertrose: (Default)
Nancy STILL isn't home. Now I'm not sure why they won't bring her home. They went out to the movies yesterday so they can leave the unlocked house unattended for three hours to go to the movies but they can't leave it unattended for about the same length of time to drive her home.

She needs to come home because we need to have a family sit-down with her. I don't guess I really count as family yet since Cliff and I are not yet married but I live here too and all this bullshit is affecting me as well as Cliff and Dixie.

Cliff was torn up at the prospect of cutting her out of the family; he knew he was upsetting his mom which he doesn't like to do, and he was so upset he couldn't eat and was throwing up, but if she chooses "friends" who will threaten her family over her family then we don't want to deal with her.

Also, if she comes home, I'll turn her phone back on so she can reschedule her interview with HellMart and generally use her phone again. But until she comes back home, it stays off. She also conned Dixie into doing her chores for her while she's gone, and Dixie's health is not fantastic and she's tired of having to do Nancy's work, when Nancy could get her little ass down here and do her own work. Walking the dog is especially hard on Dixie's breathing because of the growing heat and humidity. It's easier for Dixie to breathe freely inside in the air conditioning.

I think Leslie (the bitch friend) just wants her to stay so she won't be without friends in Waycross. I don't know what possessed them to move to Waycross in the first place since Duncan's mom's job is here in Jacksonville and all their friends are here in Jacksonville, but hell, it's not my problem.

I don't know why she likes Leslie so much; from all I can tell, Leslie is an attention whore and a general bitch. But that's also not my problem. As I said in an earlier entry, she just has generally shitty taste in friends, but she's a pain in the ass herself so maybe it's just birds of a fucking feather.

I'm just tired of it. She needs to come home so we can talk to her without that loudmouth bitch Leslie jumping in on the conversation or that self-important pissant Duncan inserting himself into what is really our household business and none of his.

It's all such bullshit, and I'm so sick of it I could puke if I had anything on my stomach.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
If it ain't one thing, it's another with these idiots. Nancy was supposed to come home today. The boyfriend's mom was supposed to drive her down, but we're told that her truck blew a head gasket. They tried to arrange for Nancy to come home via Greyhound but it transpires that there is no bus terminal in Waycross; the nearest one is in Brunswick, and if they drive the hour to Brunswick, they might as well drive another forty minutes and bring her home to Jacksonville.

I don't know how many vehicles they have. If that truck is the only vehicle they have, then I suppose they are kind of hosed. I think they may have one more vehicle but from what we're told the house doesn't have locks on it yet, and Duncan (the boyfriend) doesn't want to leave Leslie (the bitch friend) alone in an unlocked house, nor does he want to leave his unlocked house unattended for three hours while he drives to Jacksonville and back. I don't particularly want Duncan and/or Leslie to show up at my house anyway after they threatened to beat both my and Cliff's asses and Duncan threatened to shoot out Cliff's kneecaps.

These people are so full of shit. I don't believe half of what they tell us; I don't trust them as far as Nancy could throw them and Nancy weighs about 90 lbs soaking wet. She can't even lift the dog.

So anyway, Duncan's mom is supposed to be getting her truck fixed tonight and bringing Nancy home tomorrow. Nancy managed to reschedule her job interview with HellMart (WalMart), so she hasn't blown that with all this bullshit at least.

I realize, looking back at my journal for the last few days, that I have WAY overused the words "bullshit", "pissant", and "motherfucker". But it's all such bullshit the last few days; there's just no other word that covers what's been going on as well as bullshit. And "pissant motherfuckers" just rolls off the tongue. :D

*shakes head in resigned amusement*

I've mostly gotten past being angry over all this. I'm to the point that it's so ridiculous and stupid that I just have to laugh. These people are so fucking annoying and stupid that all I can do now is laugh at their idiotic bullshit.

More drama

May. 24th, 2008 11:03 pm
azdesertrose: (Stab you in the eye!!)
Nancy still isn't home.

She said on Friday that she was going to move in with her friends in Waycross; Cliff told her that if she does that, she's cut off from the family. Her phone will not be turned back on (I temporarily suspended her cell phone line which is on my cell phone account after her pissant friends used it to call me and threaten to beat my ass), her mother's phone number will be changed (her mother's phone is also on my account), Cliff and I will not accept calls from her, we will not visit her or bring her mother to visit her or allow her mother to borrow the car and go visit her, she will not be welcome in our house, she will be out of the handfasting ceremony (right now she's my third attendant because she's Cliff's only sibling), she is CUT THE FUCK OFF from her family.

So after everybody crying and pitching a fit, she's supposed to come home tomorrow and stay for a week and see if we can work something out with her staying here and not living in Waycross.

The drama on Friday almost caused me to miss my daughter's school showcase. (My daughter is in a film and TV production program at a magnet school for the arts.) I made it to the showcase, but just barely. I would have killed Nancy if I'd missed it; I missed the fall one because nobody told me about it (my parents don't seem to think to email me or call me when school stuff is going on, and my daughter herself just recently got it in her head to call me and tell me about stuff like the showcase). My daughter didn't have a chance of having any of her work in the fall showcase anyway; too early in the program, and fall term is when her epilepsy started so she missed a lot of school and didn't get to work on too many of the fall productions. But there was a chance of some of her work being in the spring showcase, although as it turned out other productions were selected, and she was not a happy camper. She said at least two of the productions she worked on were good enough or could have been made good enough in time for the showcase, and they were passed over for productions done by upperclassmen. I tend to agree with her that the showcase should reflect the work of all the students in the department, not just the upperclassmen. The showcase was really good though; the school has very nice, nearly top-of-the-line equipment for the kids to work with, and they select really creative and bright kids to be in the program. One of the featured prodcutions was a documentary about people with muscular dystrophy, and it was very well done, co-directed by a student with MD. My daughter has decided that next year, she's doing an independent documentary (encouraged by the faculty) on epilepsy, since she is epileptic. I bet that makes it into one of the showcases. I hope it does, anyway.

Anyway, back to my house. Nancy is supposed to come home tomorrow to stay for at least a week. Her friends think that Cliff and I will be gone at an SCA event, which we were going to do but we decided against due to gas prices and my not trusting Nancy's friends not to pull some stupid shit at our house while we're not here. Supposedly only the boyfriend's mother (who for some crazy reason is living in Waycross, GA, but still working in Jacksonville, FL, over an hour's drive) is driving Nancy down and dropping her and her stuff off; we shall see what happens, I guess. Cliff thinks something is up because Dixie (their mother) was on the phone with Nancy and confirmed with Cliff that we would be gone, so Cliff and I have been lying to Dixie all day about planning to day-trip the SCA event when we've already decided not to go. I don't like lying to Dixie but I don't trust her not to share with Nancy, and I REALLY don't trust Nancy's friends in Waycross. I don't much trust the boyfriend's mother either, if her son is any indication of what she might be like. I'll just tell Dixie tomorrow that I spent too much on groceries for us to be able to afford to go.

Nancy seems to have really shitty taste in friends. The only one of her friends I can stand is Jon, who lives here in the neighborhood and the only thing he does to even mildly annoy me is that he eats supper with us an awful lot. It makes me think nobody cooks at his house or something. But I usually cook enough for six or so, because I like to have leftovers for Cliff's work lunches, so there's usually enough for company. And that's only mildly irritating. Other than that, he's intelligent and polite and cleans up after himself and is generally a good guest. Rebecca is as annoying as Nancy; neither of them know how to shut the fuck up. I swear they both talk from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep. And Rebecca's younger cousin who lives with her and her grandmother has in the past transmitted lice to Nancy, who then transmitted them to me, so that REALLY pissed me off. (I have ass-length thick reddish brown hair that I'm rather vain of, and it pissed me off to have to lice-treat it with harsh chemicals when I generally baby it.) Christy brought lice into the house as well, although nobody in our house caught them but I still had to lice-spray my couch as a precaution and nitpick everybody's heads to make sure we hadn't caught lice. Josh is Nancy's ex-boyfriend, and he's all right but has an annoying voice and tends to interrupt people. And Leslie is the pissant little bitch in Waycross who used to live out toward the beach. She's disrespectful and arrogant and every time Nancy visits her (even when they lived here in town, just out toward the beach on the other side of town), there's always a bunch of bullshit about Nancy coming back home when she's expected home. When Duncan (Leslie's boyfriend) threatened Cliff and then Leslie threatened me, that was just the last straw with them.

I'm very tired of all this bullshit drama. It's so high school. I think my daughter would say it's even too immature for high school.

I will say this much. If the car bearing Nancy pulls into the drive tomorrow with more than an older lady and Nancy in it, I'm calling the cops before they even get out of the car. I will call 911 and say that I made a report of a threatening phone call on Thursday and that the people who made the call just pulled up in my driveway and would they please send out an officer. I am through playing games with these pissant motherfuckers.
azdesertrose: (Default)
So Nancy's drama-causing pissant friends called to say they won't be able to drive her home until tonight. Fine. Hunky-fucking-dorey.

They've offered a two-bedroom apartment on their new property to Nancy and Dixie and Dixie wants to go up and take a look at it. I told Dixie that was fine, I understand her wanting her own place (I'm sure she's as sick of living with us as we are sick of living with them), but if they move to Waycross, their two phone lines are coming off my account and going into their names. T-Mobile will do this and I can avoid the early termination fee that I'd incur if I just cut the lines off when they left. Sorry, but I'm not continuing to pay their phone bill for them if they're not living with us.

So there's a chance Cliff and I might have the house to ourselves again soon. And after that, NOBODY is moving in with us. NOBODY.
azdesertrose: (Default)
I'm still pissed at Nancy. She's supposed to come home today, and I'm going to tell her that if something like yesterday's bullshit ever happens again, I'll take her phone and run over it with my car.

I've calmed down enough that I'm not going to slap the shit out of her unless she mouths off to me. If she mouths off, it's on.
azdesertrose: (Buggre Alle This)
Nancy, Cliff's younger sister who lives with us, went to visit a friend in Waycross, GA, for a week. She was supposed to be back today.

They keep coming up with bullshit reasons they can't get her back today.

She's got until the end of this month to find a fucking job or her ass is out of here anyway and now she pulls this bullshit with not coming home when she's supposed to.

Then her friend's pissant boyfriend threatens to beat up and/or shoot Cliff because Cliff told his mother to shut the fuck up because she was screaming at him and he wasn't going to put up with it.

So I called Nancy and told her to tell him he'd better shut his fucking piehole because I was calling the cops and reporting him for threatening Cliff.

They called back and threatened me, the pissant motherfuckers.

So I called the cops and made a harassment report and I hope to Christ JSO calls the Waycross police department and those little motherfuckers get a nice little fucking visit.

The more I think about it the angrier I get. I'm ready to slap the everloving shit out of Nancy for being the cause of all this bullshit.

Every fucking time she visits these people, there's some bullshit that goes on. I'm so fucking tired of it I could just scream.


azdesertrose: (Default)

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